Incorporating Pain; Why Befriend Your Wounds
We are a people desperate to fix things. And if they can't be fixed, the only other thing to do is throw them away. While this may be relatively appropriate for an old toaster, this strategy is sometimes applied to people who are suffering.
Sitting in the presence of another's pain, conflict, or illness is uncomfortable.
So, many of us jump in to apply bandages of advice or offer any number of bail-outs. There is something deep inside that moves us to put an end to the agony. Of course, this is good in so many ways. Each of us should recognize the call to reach out when others are wounded. But often, the underlying motivation to make things better is as self-serving as it is humanitarian. That can be an issue because it involves a myriad of quick solutions which, if unsuccessful, might lead us to throw up our hands and walk away. Worse than that, as we turn our backs, the suffering person is discarded as being beyond help.
This truth is hard to face. But it is evidenced by overcrowded brutal juvenile prisons, increasing rates of suicide, burgeoning homelessness among veterans, medical bankruptcies, and tightening of relief services by our governments. Only to name a few. If we can’t solve the problem right away, we hide it from our sight. We shun those who won’t follow our sage suggestions as hopeless.
It’s clear to many of us who serve suffering and wounded people that a reason we fail to deal with trauma and poverty of spirit is that we want to cover up our own pain. The last thing we want to do is to befriend our personal wounding and reveal our truth. Henri Nouwen, the author, professor, and priest. wrote about the reason for joining with and embracing our pain writing;
“Your call is to bring that pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate your pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.”
Every one of us has been hurt, battered and wounded to one extent or the other. When we stop denying this and bring brokenness to light something transformative happens. We awaken to our oneness with everyone else. Befriending and incorporating our pain leads to an acceptance of the affliction that surrounds us.
Then we will stop trying to fix or escape those troubles and instead, offer ourselves as compassionate partners who fully understand. Life will take on a new luster in place of discomfort, fear, and bitterness. The result is an overwhelming sense of joy, peace, and freedom.
A Deeper Tolerance; 2020 Vision
“A peaceful future depends on our everyday acts and gestures. Let us educate for tolerance in our schools and communities and, most of all, in our hearts and minds.”
The "No Hate, No Fear Solidarity March" across NYC's Brooklyn Bridge on Sunday, January 5, 2020, was a wake-up call for tolerance. Increasing incidents of antisemitism across the country fueled more worries about safety in places of worship, education, and business. It drew thousands to rally in support of the Jewish community. Tolerance, it seems, is skating on thinner and thinner ice. Perhaps it’s fear, anxiety, and insecurity that drive this sense of imminent danger supposedly posed by a cast of 'others' who look different or who have opposing beliefs and customs. We seem to have forgotten that tolerance and acceptance are the building blocks of democracy and decency.
Several decades ago, I attended a conference where a successful designer, builder, and author Chuck Chamblain spoke to us about how he was taken down to his knees by a drive to succeed mixed with lots of booze. And then about what restored him to 2020 vision. Change, he said, was an inside job. He told us that he had been given a new pair of glasses. His law of life said if the only thing poured into it was love, then love was all that would be given back. Chuck was all about tolerance and acceptance. I came away resolved that it doesn't matter what others think about me, but matters greatly what I think about others.
Deep tolerance incorporates absolute acceptance and unconditional love. Dangers to our security cannot be achieved by diminishing the stature of others. We won't achieve peace, harmony, and serenity by killing our perceived enemies. God is never on the side of hatred and violence. We can't possibly continue to stumble along this rocky path without keener perception.
I think we need to invest in that new pair of glasses if we are to overcome the tide of short-sightedness which threatens to destroy us. We must embrace the fact that the only way to achieve a future free of threat is by acceptance, tolerance, and working on that ‘inside job’ Chuck Chamberlain endorsed. Our unrealistic fear and mistrust of others will be replaced by an enduring faith in a power far greater than ourselves. We will be blessed with new freedom through the miracle of the new vision.
Atonement; How to be at One
ChaplainUSA Contributing Editor Bob Jones offers Police Chaplains insight into the origins of atonement and how healing is often an inward journey to be "at one".
"I've decided to be loving and kind in the world. Now...just hopin'...the world will return the favor." ~ Jermaine (a former LA gang member, now part of Gregory Boyle's Homeboy Industries)
Don't you wonder what life might be like if we all made the sort of decision that Jermaine made?
He became gentle and kind in a community which directed him to be otherwise. Our misfortunes, wounds, ambitions, and desires ask us to judge and expect judgment. We seek reparation rather than reconciliation. Ultimately, we are led into darkness, becoming someone we would rather not be.
Paybacks and getting even are lonely ways to live life. This desire for in-kind justice can be a slippery slope requiring us to wait for the one who has injured us to get what is coming. My counseling office has hosted an overabundance of such unhappy people. Both victims and perpetrators sit with me. Each one has uniquely deep cuts and emotional scars. All of them hope for some kind of karma (good or bad) to provide atonement.
So what about atonement? It's not, as many believe, paying for past wrongs, sins, and mistakes. Rather, it is being at one with yourself, your neighbor and your God. At-one-ment.
This requires much effort in a tit-for-tat, quid pro quo world.
Because you have to stop blaming others. There is never someone else. It is always me. I will only receive atonement when I accept that I am connected with all of creation. The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says this well when a suffering physician tells the reader about his transformation:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 417)
Acceptance is the key to finding God's abundance of unconditional, infinite mercy, and love. After everything is said and done, it is the path to at-one-ment for each of us.
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a·tone·ment
/əˈtōnmənt/
early 16th century (denoting unity or reconciliation, especially between God and man): from at one + -ment, influenced by medieval Latin adunamentum ‘unity’, and earlier onement from an obsolete verb one ‘to unite’.
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Life to the Fullest; Five Ways to Accept the Presence of Fear
How do we live life to the fullest knowing that the tentacles of fear might reach out and sting us at any time? Here are five ways to do just that.
This is the fourth and final follow-up article on the many facets of fear including a four-part Interview/Special Report with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of Palm Beach Synagogue. This specifically refers to my journal entry entitled Freedom From Fear.
Fear mongering in the media and by politicians are ramping up again as the 2020 election season descends upon us. We will be barraged with mythological statistics about increasing crime rates, danger from immigrants, and on and on. Then there is that ugly face of fear which shows up as a 19-year-old California State University San Marcos student opened fire at a San Diego-area synagogue, Congregation Chabad in Poway, on the last day of Passover. An 18-year-old girl terrorizes the Littleton community twenty years after the horrific Columbine school shooting. Area-wide schools closed in anticipation of what might happen. At the same time, openly gay candidate for President, Mayor Pete Buttigieg was verbally attacked at a rally by people screaming about the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Fear is ever-present for those who have experienced extreme trauma. In such cases, terror can show up with the sound of a loud noise, an unanticipated touch, in a smell, a sight or holiday gathering. Vivid memories are triggered of combat, tragic loss, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse, What happened in the past crashes into the here-and-now.
We must understand and accept that fear will always be with us. It walks hand in hand with what we have lost or might lose. It lurks in dark corners of the unknown. It is used by the powerful to manipulate the powerless. There won't come a time when it is gone forever.
"We choose joy in all its constant delighting" ~ Gregory Boyle
How do we live life to the fullest knowing that the tentacles of fear might reach out and sting us at any time? Here are five ways to do just that:
- Stand up. Reject media exploitation. Combat fear-mongering by writing the networks and protesting their actions. Turn off the TV. Limit the amount of time you will spend watching the news. You won't miss much. Read a good book.
- Take 10. Devote ten minutes daily for a meditation routine to connect with that Power greater than yourself (and greater than fear). Understand that you are infinitely loved. Every spiritual discipline or religion tells us to 'be not afraid'. Finding your quiet center and focusing on intentional deep breathing will build a calm inner awareness and provide much-needed perspective.
- Work it out. Twenty minutes a day of some sort of exercise is essential for good physical and mental health. You don't have to go to a gym. A walk outside is just the medicine.
- Take down the walls. So many locks, alarm systems, and cameras have been installed to protect us and our 'stuff'. I wonder how effective they are in the long run. They certainly tell us that there is some stranger out there who wants to inflict loss. In order to eliminate this fear, find a way to connect with the people who frighten you. Volunteer at a shelter or outreach center for troubled teens. You will find that there is not so much that separates us.
- Use Grandpa's Motto. Roy Jones told how to reduce or eliminate fear by using the motto he practiced every day of his 97 years. "Don't Worry. Don't Hurry. Don't Hate." The spirit of wisdom and optimism that flows from these words when used as a kind of mantra provide a directive for living life fully. Try it on for size and spread the words around like peanut butter (even if you ARE allergic to peanuts).
This Is It
“People who cling to the past and resist change have a hard time participating in God’s and their own future.” ~ Richard Rohr
The future is unfolding and we join in it here and now. Full participation, looking forward while accepting the past, is absolutely necessary if we are to live out our lives in meaningful ways. The universe is expanding in ever larger spheres and orbits. Though this rapidly changing reality may be scary, it is undeniable.We cannot make ourselves ‘great-again’ by attempting to recreate the past. But we can make ourselves great. There is no turning back. There is no standing still. There is only moving forward. Imagine this universe being created anew every moment…evolving, changing, and unfolding. Who I have been is not who I am. Who I will be is becoming.
This is the mystery and the miracle of constant union with God. Created as co-creators, we have a responsibility and a mission to carry out our destiny. Embrace change and celebrate life. The future is in your hands and carried out by your efforts.
Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse. In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers. His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation. Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast[/et_pb_team_member][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
A Change Will Do You Good
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy
What would you change in the world if you had a chance? A priest who was traveling through Grand Central Station posed this question to a woman who was slumped against a wall, homeless, friendless and ‘an empty shell’. Her answer was that she would change her mind. She was so filled with bitterness and an inability to forgive. Her only desire was to let go of hatred and that by so doing, would become free.
This is the same awakening that the physician in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous discovered in his recovery from alcoholism. He says that acceptance taught him that ‘it is not so much what needs to be changed in the world, as what needs to be changed in me’. The one thing we have the ability to change in this world requires a huge undertaking. For the one thing that can be changed is me.
"Repentance calls us to an inner healing that comes from choosing a new mindset, moving us in a new direction, and releasing all that holds our heart in bondage.” ~ Daniel Groody
I was privileged to hear the joys, pain, celebrations, and sufferings of my counseling patients for four decades. Often their emotions have been hinged on the doings of family members, employers, frustrations with the government or a variety of other external events. These all have the ability to please us or fill us with bitterness. Not much of it is in our control.
I have learned that bitterness and resentment have a sticky quality. That stickiness becomes more than a diversion and can become the kind of hatred that so overpowered the woman who met the priest in Grand Central. Freedom comes when we let go of those external distractions, take responsibility, and forgive. Then we can set a new course, follow a new star, and change our direction home. This is the essence of a really radical awakening.
Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.
In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.
His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.
Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin
Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast
More on Judging and Being Judged
Can you imagine what it might be like to stop judging? Can you imagine what it might be like to not be judged?
"Christian, Jew, Muslim, shaman, Zoroastrian, stone, ground, mountain, river, each has a secret way of being with the mystery, unique and not to be judged." ~ Rumi
I often write about judging. But right now it seems so important. The finger of judgment points in every direction nowadays. With it comes feelings of superiority and inferiority. Neither is good. So I try to revisit the subject in my prayers and mindfulness meditation daily in hopes of being spared the burden of judging.You know how terrible it feels to be judged. I think we all have felt the sting of judgment at one time or another. Many of us are all too familiar. A description of how it feels to be judged was shared with me during a counseling session. This wounded young fellow told me; “It feels like I am being awakened in the middle of the night and dragged naked in front of everyone to be teased and ridiculed.”
Perhaps the saddest part of his story is that he had been living in a therapeutic community in which he should have been receiving compassion and encouragement. Instead, he felt rejection, pain, and malice. As our time together that day progressed, he began to launch into a rant which described the failings of the people in the group that was wounding him. He labored with character assassinations and perceived shortcomings as he verbally railed against one and all. When he was finished he started to sob. I told him that he was loved and not to put so much stock in what others thought of him or about their feedback. He replied; “I know you’re right. I’m crying because I just did to them what they have been doing to me.”
“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean.” ~ Jimi Hendrix
Can you imagine what it might be like to stop judging? Can you imagine what it might be like to not be judged? How wonderful it would be to believe that we were not under scrutiny and that nobody was looking down on us. Think how great it would feel to accept those who are not behaving as we might want them to with understanding and patience. There is much harm done when we have been judged. And there is no good that can come from our judgment of others.
Today I will live without judgment. I will not accept it nor will I indulge in it.
Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.
Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin
Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast
A Choice For Happiness
Work for happiness in all you do and say. You might be surprised as it abundantly rains down and all around as a result.
[et_pb_section bb_built="1"][et_pb_row][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text _builder_version="3.2"]The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.” ~ James OppenheimWe have choices to make. They lie before us waiting for fulfillment. Each of us has the ability to be happy and set out to make happiness happen.Despite the problems and woes that have littered life…despite the things that are looming in the distance…we can still make the decision to be happy and to create happiness around us. There is no magic formula. It is just about deciding to accept the people, places and things surrounding us as being just the way they are. We can complain and whine over our circumstances or celebrate the fact that we survived despite (or because) of them. Happiness is an inside job and the choice to recognize that truth is ours to make.
I hear people grumble so often that someone has made them unhappy. Something happened years ago which ruined their lives. Losses and tragedies have made it impossible to allow for real happiness. There is not enough money. There is nobody to love. There is no fun at work.On and on we look for happiness outside of ourselves only to be disappointed when it is fleeting. Only the false self or ego drives us to find happiness anywhere but within our own hearts. We are immersed in the real happiness for which we were created. We have the freedom to choose to allow God to be God and accept the contents of the moment as a reason to celebrate being alive.Make the decision now. Be happy. Work for happiness in all you do and say. You might be surprised as it abundantly rains down and all around as a result.[/et_pb_text][et_pb_team_member admin_label="Robert Kenneth Jones" name="Robert Kenneth Jones" position="Columnist" image_url="https://chaplainusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/robert.jpg" facebook_url="https://www.facebook.com/KenJonesBoy" linkedin_url="https://www.linkedin.com/in/robert-kenneth-jones-8861183/" _builder_version="3.0.101" saved_tabs="all" animation="off" background_layout="light" global_module="26968"]Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast[/et_pb_team_member][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]
The Promise and Acceptance of Faith
When we are battered and beaten, God is at our side. When we fall and skin our knees, God is there to be with us. We cannot be separated. This is the truth. Faith is simply an acceptance of that truth.
“Faith’s only real demand on us is that we trustfully keep moving forward into the unknown. How things turn out in the end is not up to us.” ~ Paula Huston
Walking the path of life, while maintaining faith, can be a tricky project. There are so many distractions. Alluring temptations of power, fame, and the savory or sensational wave us in their direction. Pitfalls of disappointment, resentment, sadness and grief whisper to us that we are all alone. These interferences lead us on a well-worn trail that is ego-driven and desolate. Faith becomes a meaningless notion when the results depend upon us. After all, in the words of author Richard Leonard, SJ; “Where the hell is God?” Where is God when we are tempted? Where is God when we are full of grief? Where is God when things go wrong? Why are my prayers falling on deaf ears? Why should we have such capricious faith anyway?
God is not distant. This is the promise of faith. The experience of living in the world with the pleasures and storms which come our way can be challenging. There are no guarantees that things will be easy just because we have faith. What we have is a God who never leaves us. We can go to the depths and rise to the heights but God hangs right in there. The answer to the question ‘Where the hell is God’ comes as a gentle whisper saying; “I am with you always. Everything I have is yours.”When we are battered and beaten, God is at our side. When we fall and skin our knees, God is there to be with us. We cannot be separated. Faith is simply an acceptance of that truth.
Today I will step out with the assurance that I am not stepping out on my own. I am held in the arms of a loving God.
Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.
In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.
His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.
Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin
Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast