Incorporating Pain; Why Befriend Your Wounds

We are a people desperate to fix things. And if they can't be fixed, the only other thing to do is throw them away. While this may be relatively appropriate for an old toaster, this strategy is sometimes applied to people who are suffering.

Sitting in the presence of another's pain, conflict, or illness is uncomfortable.

So, many of us jump in to apply bandages of advice or offer any number of bail-outs. There is something deep inside that moves us to put an end to the agony. Of course, this is good in so many ways. Each of us should recognize the call to reach out when others are wounded. But often, the underlying motivation to make things better is as self-serving as it is humanitarian. That can be an issue because it involves a myriad of quick solutions which, if unsuccessful, might lead us to throw up our hands and walk away. Worse than that, as we turn our backs, the suffering person is discarded as being beyond help.

This truth is hard to face. But it is evidenced by overcrowded brutal juvenile prisons, increasing rates of suicide, burgeoning homelessness among veterans, medical bankruptcies, and tightening of relief services by our governments. Only to name a few. If we can’t solve the problem right away, we hide it from our sight. We shun those who won’t follow our sage suggestions as hopeless. 

It’s clear to many of us who serve suffering and wounded people that a reason we fail to deal with trauma and poverty of spirit is that we want to cover up our own pain. The last thing we want to do is to befriend our personal wounding and reveal our truth. Henri Nouwen, the author, professor, and priest. wrote about the reason for joining with and embracing our pain writing;

“Your call is to bring that pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate your pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.”

Every one of us has been hurt, battered and wounded to one extent or the other. When we stop denying this and bring brokenness to light something transformative happens. We awaken to our oneness with everyone else. Befriending and incorporating our pain leads to an acceptance of the affliction that surrounds us.

Then we will stop trying to fix or escape those troubles and instead, offer ourselves as compassionate partners who fully understand. Life will take on a new luster in place of discomfort, fear, and bitterness. The result is an overwhelming sense of joy, peace, and freedom.

A Deeper Tolerance; 2020 Vision

“A peaceful future depends on our everyday acts and gestures. Let us educate for tolerance in our schools and communities and, most of all, in our hearts and minds.”

— Federico Mayor, Director General of UNESCO at the 1993 dedication of the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles

The "No Hate, No Fear Solidarity March" across NYC's Brooklyn Bridge on Sunday, January 5, 2020, was a wake-up call for tolerance. Increasing incidents of antisemitism across the country fueled more worries about safety in places of worship, education, and business. It drew thousands to rally in support of the Jewish community. Tolerance, it seems, is skating on thinner and thinner ice. Perhaps it’s fear, anxiety, and insecurity that drive this sense of imminent danger supposedly posed by a cast of 'others' who look different or who have opposing beliefs and customs. We seem to have forgotten that tolerance and acceptance are the building blocks of democracy and decency.

Several decades ago, I attended a conference where a successful designer, builder, and author Chuck Chamblain spoke to us about how he was taken down to his knees by a drive to succeed mixed with lots of booze. And then about what restored him to 2020 vision. Change, he said, was an inside job. He told us that he had been given a new pair of glasses. His law of life said if the only thing poured into it was love, then love was all that would be given back. Chuck was all about tolerance and acceptance. I came away resolved that it doesn't matter what others think about me, but matters greatly what I think about others.

Deep tolerance incorporates absolute acceptance and unconditional love. Dangers to our security cannot be achieved by diminishing the stature of others. We won't achieve peace, harmony, and serenity by killing our perceived enemies. God is never on the side of hatred and violence. We can't possibly continue to stumble along this rocky path without keener perception.

I think we need to invest in that new pair of glasses if we are to overcome the tide of short-sightedness which threatens to destroy us. We must embrace the fact that the only way to achieve a future free of threat is by acceptance, tolerance, and working on that ‘inside job’ Chuck Chamberlain endorsed. Our unrealistic fear and mistrust of others will be replaced by an enduring faith in a power far greater than ourselves. We will be blessed with new freedom through the miracle of the new vision.

This Is It

“People who cling to the past and resist change have a hard time participating in God’s and their own future.” ~ Richard Rohr

The future is unfolding and we join in it here and now.  Full participation, looking forward while accepting the past, is absolutely necessary if we are to live out our lives in meaningful ways.  The universe is expanding in ever larger spheres and orbits.  Though this rapidly changing reality may be scary, it is undeniable.We cannot make ourselves ‘great-again’ by attempting to recreate the past.  But we can make ourselves great.  There is no turning back.  There is no standing still.  There is only moving forward.  Imagine this universe being created anew every moment…evolving, changing, and unfolding.  Who I have been is not who I am.  Who I will be is becoming.

This is the mystery and the miracle of constant union with God.  Created as co-creators, we have a responsibility and a mission to carry out our destiny.  Embrace change and celebrate life.  The future is in your hands and carried out by your efforts.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse. In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers. His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation. Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast[/et_pb_team_member][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]

A Change Will Do You Good

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

What would you change in the world if you had a chance?  A priest who was traveling through Grand Central Station posed this question to a woman who was slumped against a wall, homeless, friendless and ‘an empty shell’.  Her answer was that she would change her mind.  She was so filled with bitterness and an inability to forgive.  Her only desire was to let go of hatred and that by so doing, would become free.

This is the same awakening that the physician in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous discovered in his recovery from alcoholism.  He says that acceptance taught him that ‘it is not so much what needs to be changed in the world, as what needs to be changed in me’.  The one thing we have the ability to change in this world requires a huge undertaking.  For the one thing that can be changed is me.

"Repentance calls us to an inner healing that comes from choosing a new mindset, moving us in a new direction, and releasing all that holds our heart in bondage.” ~ Daniel Groody

I was privileged to hear the joys, pain, celebrations, and sufferings of my counseling patients for four decades.  Often their emotions have been hinged on the doings of family members, employers, frustrations with the government or a variety of other external events.  These all have the ability to please us or fill us with bitterness.  Not much of it is in our control.

I have learned that bitterness and resentment have a sticky quality.  That stickiness becomes more than a diversion and can become the kind of hatred that so overpowered the woman who met the priest in Grand Central.  Freedom comes when we let go of those external distractions, take responsibility, and forgive.  Then we can set a new course, follow a new star, and change our direction home.  This is the essence of a really radical awakening.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast