Just Like Me

It isn't always easy to recognize how much we are alike. When someone persistently rides your bumper in heavy traffic, steps in front of you in the checkout line, or makes an intentional statement designed to hurt, we feel our hackles rise and blood boil. But how often have each of us so offended others? Our reckless moments have probably left someone just as angry. We aren't very different after all. How meaningless it is to think we are any better or any worse than other people. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, pioneer of the mindfulness movement, recently appeared on Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday. During a discussion of her book "Welcoming the Unwelcome" Pema revealed that she has a way of accepting and embracing those who stir up ire or negative reactions. She uses a simple little whisper or silent reminder, repeating the words; "Just like me."

Just like me. The one who lies and manipulates...also feels vulnerable and afraid of being rejected.

Just like me. The person who is controlling and short tempered...also worries about security and chaos.

Just like me. The seemingly ego driven know-it-all...also experiences deep loneliness  and self-doubt.

Just like me. The hurried and insensitive stranger...also is carrying a burden that blinds him to the needs of others.

The personal baggage we lug around over perceived slights and injustices weigh us down when we needn't carry them at all. This is even true of the more serious hurts and trauma. One of the boys under my care had suffered unthinkable physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of a family member from ages 8-13. He was unable to function without drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. A group therapist in our treatment center who he admired asked him one day if he would go to the cafeteria and get a bag of garbage for her.  He complied willingly and came back with a large green bag full of food scraps and other waste. She then asked him if he would do her a big favor and carry it around with him after group. He agreed with some hesitation, but figured she would never do anything to hurt him. And he had just a little adolescent crush on her. So he dragged it around in spite of the amusement of his peers. But when he brought it back to group the next day, he was very unhappy and in tears.  The garbage had become heavier and smelled awful. Everyone avoided him. He begged his counselor to let him take it back to the cafeteria.  Her answer made an incredible impact on him and has stayed with me for decades.  She said; "Nobody told you that you had to keep carrying this garbage around with you. That was your decision. Take it away. Get rid of it and let it go."

Just like me...

Frederick Buechner once said; "All the absurd little meetings, decisions, inner skirmishes that go to make up our days. It all adds up to very little, and yet it all adds up to very much." He asserts that God speaks to us in the middle of these moments. Maybe that wee small voice is telling us to reconcile what is important with what is trivial. Maybe it is reminding us that all of us are "Just like me."

A Change Will Do You Good

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

What would you change in the world if you had a chance?  A priest who was traveling through Grand Central Station posed this question to a woman who was slumped against a wall, homeless, friendless and ‘an empty shell’.  Her answer was that she would change her mind.  She was so filled with bitterness and an inability to forgive.  Her only desire was to let go of hatred and that by so doing, would become free.

This is the same awakening that the physician in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous discovered in his recovery from alcoholism.  He says that acceptance taught him that ‘it is not so much what needs to be changed in the world, as what needs to be changed in me’.  The one thing we have the ability to change in this world requires a huge undertaking.  For the one thing that can be changed is me.

"Repentance calls us to an inner healing that comes from choosing a new mindset, moving us in a new direction, and releasing all that holds our heart in bondage.” ~ Daniel Groody

I was privileged to hear the joys, pain, celebrations, and sufferings of my counseling patients for four decades.  Often their emotions have been hinged on the doings of family members, employers, frustrations with the government or a variety of other external events.  These all have the ability to please us or fill us with bitterness.  Not much of it is in our control.

I have learned that bitterness and resentment have a sticky quality.  That stickiness becomes more than a diversion and can become the kind of hatred that so overpowered the woman who met the priest in Grand Central.  Freedom comes when we let go of those external distractions, take responsibility, and forgive.  Then we can set a new course, follow a new star, and change our direction home.  This is the essence of a really radical awakening.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

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Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast