Once Invisible

When I was a boy my superpower was invisibility.

My best friend shared the gift. We discovered our unusual abilities when we were 10. There was a cement pond in the woods behind Schlarman High School. It was hidden on the ruins of the old Hegeler mansion. It was a very hot, humid day, and despite the modesty of good Catholic and Presbyterian upbringings, we soon found ourselves two wild naked Indians romping through the ‘wilderness’ unworried about any eyes that might see us. For several years thereafter we did things with bravado that few others would have dared. Clothed and unclothed. We were invisible. 

There is another kind of invisibility that is not a superpower. It comes, when one is devalued and rejected. Black Americans, other people of color, and those living on the margins, know this experience well. The disabled and disenfranchised live beneath the view of most people every day.

““I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves or figments of their imagination, indeed, everything and anything except me.””

— ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

It takes a lot to be recognized as an equal when those with power are not interested. Power discounts the validity of claims that some are ‘more equal than others’ by hearkening back to the good old days when everything was copacetic. Or at least that was their experience. They object to any notion of personal bias. Blaming others is easier and denial has been such a comfortable hiding place. But now the powerless, who never languished in those good old days, will not be ignored. There is too much video evidence that affirms their position. Too many broken promises. Organized and passionate, they will be seen and they will be heard. 

There will be backlash. There will be resistance. But, once invisible and then noticed, there is no path back. Change is gonna come as the old song says. It is up to all of us to be a part of it, embrace it, and then to celebrate our oneness.

A Need For Security; How To Use Your Get Out Of Jail Free Card

We human beings have an instinctual drive for security encoded on some DNA marker.

Cave dwelling ancestors sought rock shelters for good reasons, and, over the eons, passed on that basic survival legacy to us all. But we remain a vulnerable species. It seems like the more protective measures we take, the more isolated and frightened we become. Layer after layer of security measures is added until finally we are trapped in jail cells of our own making.

I heard a woman on the radio a few days ago who was discussing the "reopening" of the world as COVID-19 restrictions are lifted.  She remarked that "Just because you can go out again doesn't mean you have to."  It made me remember hours and hours of playing Monopoly back when it was a quite popular indoors form of entertainment. We unintentionally worked out all kinds of personal issues by role-playing tycoons and spendthrifts. We even discovered the importance of cooperation and compromise to get what we wanted. But what the person being interviewed on the radio show said reminded me about the valuable strategy in Monopoly of keeping and/or using your Get Out of Jail Free card. At early points in the game you use it readily (when rolling doubles doesn't work) and hold on to it when there are hotels lurking to rob you of money accumulated. You can sit in jail and collect rent while having no risk of bankruptcy.

We do have a choice to get out from behind the doors of our recently sequestered lives. And I hope that we do so with caution and integrity, thinking more of others than of ourselves. There is another kind of jail that is more troublesome than the one which has kept us inside for a couple of months. The prison of fear that drives wedges between us threaten us far more than facemask and six feet apart rules. Saint Augustine taught that we are engaged in an internal battle between the love of self, closed to transcendence, and love that gives of itself and thereby finds God. For the past several years, we have been losing that battle. Absorbed in self-interest, we have engaged in divisive politics, separative religious practices, and intolerance of those deemed unlike 'us' in dozens of ways. We have been hunkered down in an ever failing attempt to maintain safety and security from unseen fears more deadly than any virus. It's time to throw in our Get Out of Jail Free card.

All religions affirm that love is the authentic force of the universe. None dispute that God is Love. They provide a pathway to freedom if we are willing to let go of hatred, fear, and resentment. Likewise, the folks of 12 Step programs provide a rather simple model that allows one to cash in the old Monopoly card. Former First Lady, Betty Ford who was a recovering alcoholic, once offered that after completing the first eleven steps of AA a person is called to action. She went on to say the AA 12th Step was a blend of spiritual awakening, carrying the message, and daily practice. It kindles a joy of living.  -

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” 12th Step of AA

The way out of our jail may not be as easy a board game strategy. Because, like recovery from addictive illnesses, it demands an acceptance of the problem and a desire to change. We will have to tear down walls as President Reagan demanded rather than build up new ones. We will have to open our arms to one another just like the welcoming Lady Liberty. We will have to once again embrace Lincoln's vision of a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. We will have to retrieve the magic of the ordinary and rediscover sacredness in each thing as Richard Rohr implores.

It has been suggested by historians that the Kent State Massacre fifty years ago this week (May 4, 1970) started American polarization and we have never been the same since. Perhaps that is true. But if one such terrible event could change us so dramatically, couldn't the experience of this pandemic foster a turn for the better? Couldn't we come together united in an effort to heal rather than hurt?

I'm happy that there has been a resurgence of interest in Monopoly, other board games, and family jigsaw puzzles during the pandemic. We've found both old and new ways to connect. If we are able to carry some of that spirit forward, secure in our oneness, the Get Out of Jail Free card will have been played.

Our Inability To Accept Trauma; I’m Okay Even Though You're Not

If somehow you hadn’t noticed, we are on the verge of an international health crisis with COVID-19 altering the way almost everything is done.

Grocery aisles are becoming empty. Community gatherings, concerts, sporting events, and meetings are cancelled. Schools are closed. We are quarantining, isolating, and battening down the hatches as this virus sweeps into our lives. Former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy says he thinks there will be a subsequent loneliness epidemic "because it affects a great number of people in our country but also because one person’s loneliness can have an impact on another person.” This effect could be long lasting. Certainly, everything we have discovered about trauma makes this seem inevitable.

I am reminded of the book I’m OK - You’re OK by Thomas Anthony Harris which was a bestseller 40 years ago. It was pop psychology that introduced Transactional Analysis to the public along with a communication model which was embraced and used by professionals as well as would-be therapists for years. I was a young behaviorist at the time and scoffed at the whole concept as nativistic nonsense.

Lots of rather silly and tongue-in-cheek publications followed. But there was part of what he wrote that was quite useful. Dr. Harris promoted the concept that trauma has a lasting impact on neurological formation. Extreme experiences definitively shape subsequent behavioral responses or patterns. Brain science has exploded with evidence to support this theory.

So, during this health crisis it would be wise to accept that our wounding and trauma will be practically universal.

Business as usual has been suspended. We cannot happy talk ourselves into being OK.

Spiritual teachers throughout history have asserted that brokenness is our common bond. Jesus points to salvation through his own suffering and resurrection. They tell us that trauma is overcome by accepting, embracing, and sharing it.

“The only way to avert or minimize chronic trauma during the COVID-19 pandemic will be to develop an ongoing strategy of reaching out to one another”

Yet, our overwhelming response to pain and adversity is to maintain that “I am perfectly OK” despite evidence to the contrary. While we might view those who struggle with sympathy, I will man-up and get through on my own. Disastrously, by exerting this response we remain disconnected.

The only way to avert or minimize chronic trauma during the COVID-19 pandemic will be to develop an ongoing strategy of reaching out to one another. It's no time for individualism and ruggedness.

A notion of “I’m OK even though you’re not” has to be abandoned. We must openly share our worries, fears, hopes and needs. The way to survive and get through this is hand-in-hand. Who knows, we might just come out the other side of this with an awakening that all of us are fragile, somewhat broken, and quite alike. Maybe we will finally realize how much we really need each other.

Incorporating Pain; Why Befriend Your Wounds

We are a people desperate to fix things. And if they can't be fixed, the only other thing to do is throw them away. While this may be relatively appropriate for an old toaster, this strategy is sometimes applied to people who are suffering.

Sitting in the presence of another's pain, conflict, or illness is uncomfortable.

So, many of us jump in to apply bandages of advice or offer any number of bail-outs. There is something deep inside that moves us to put an end to the agony. Of course, this is good in so many ways. Each of us should recognize the call to reach out when others are wounded. But often, the underlying motivation to make things better is as self-serving as it is humanitarian. That can be an issue because it involves a myriad of quick solutions which, if unsuccessful, might lead us to throw up our hands and walk away. Worse than that, as we turn our backs, the suffering person is discarded as being beyond help.

This truth is hard to face. But it is evidenced by overcrowded brutal juvenile prisons, increasing rates of suicide, burgeoning homelessness among veterans, medical bankruptcies, and tightening of relief services by our governments. Only to name a few. If we can’t solve the problem right away, we hide it from our sight. We shun those who won’t follow our sage suggestions as hopeless. 

It’s clear to many of us who serve suffering and wounded people that a reason we fail to deal with trauma and poverty of spirit is that we want to cover up our own pain. The last thing we want to do is to befriend our personal wounding and reveal our truth. Henri Nouwen, the author, professor, and priest. wrote about the reason for joining with and embracing our pain writing;

“Your call is to bring that pain home. As long as your wounded part remains foreign to your adult self, your pain will injure you as well as others. Yes, you have to incorporate your pain into your self and let it bear fruit in your heart and the hearts of others.”

Every one of us has been hurt, battered and wounded to one extent or the other. When we stop denying this and bring brokenness to light something transformative happens. We awaken to our oneness with everyone else. Befriending and incorporating our pain leads to an acceptance of the affliction that surrounds us.

Then we will stop trying to fix or escape those troubles and instead, offer ourselves as compassionate partners who fully understand. Life will take on a new luster in place of discomfort, fear, and bitterness. The result is an overwhelming sense of joy, peace, and freedom.

Just Like Me

It isn't always easy to recognize how much we are alike. When someone persistently rides your bumper in heavy traffic, steps in front of you in the checkout line, or makes an intentional statement designed to hurt, we feel our hackles rise and blood boil. But how often have each of us so offended others? Our reckless moments have probably left someone just as angry. We aren't very different after all. How meaningless it is to think we are any better or any worse than other people. Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, pioneer of the mindfulness movement, recently appeared on Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday. During a discussion of her book "Welcoming the Unwelcome" Pema revealed that she has a way of accepting and embracing those who stir up ire or negative reactions. She uses a simple little whisper or silent reminder, repeating the words; "Just like me."

Just like me. The one who lies and manipulates...also feels vulnerable and afraid of being rejected.

Just like me. The person who is controlling and short tempered...also worries about security and chaos.

Just like me. The seemingly ego driven know-it-all...also experiences deep loneliness  and self-doubt.

Just like me. The hurried and insensitive stranger...also is carrying a burden that blinds him to the needs of others.

The personal baggage we lug around over perceived slights and injustices weigh us down when we needn't carry them at all. This is even true of the more serious hurts and trauma. One of the boys under my care had suffered unthinkable physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of a family member from ages 8-13. He was unable to function without drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. A group therapist in our treatment center who he admired asked him one day if he would go to the cafeteria and get a bag of garbage for her.  He complied willingly and came back with a large green bag full of food scraps and other waste. She then asked him if he would do her a big favor and carry it around with him after group. He agreed with some hesitation, but figured she would never do anything to hurt him. And he had just a little adolescent crush on her. So he dragged it around in spite of the amusement of his peers. But when he brought it back to group the next day, he was very unhappy and in tears.  The garbage had become heavier and smelled awful. Everyone avoided him. He begged his counselor to let him take it back to the cafeteria.  Her answer made an incredible impact on him and has stayed with me for decades.  She said; "Nobody told you that you had to keep carrying this garbage around with you. That was your decision. Take it away. Get rid of it and let it go."

Just like me...

Frederick Buechner once said; "All the absurd little meetings, decisions, inner skirmishes that go to make up our days. It all adds up to very little, and yet it all adds up to very much." He asserts that God speaks to us in the middle of these moments. Maybe that wee small voice is telling us to reconcile what is important with what is trivial. Maybe it is reminding us that all of us are "Just like me."

Oneing; Our Undeniable Kinship

There is so much talk about how divided, tribal, isolated and separate we are becoming.  At a time when science, technology and authentic religion point to our obvious interconnected oneness, voices cry out that there must be some kind of mistake. But there is no mistake. We are all cut from the same cloth.  We are kin, woven together with everything and everybody.

The problem with accepting the truth of our undeniable kinship is that it is always followed by a sense of civil responsibility.  It is far easier to go with the lie of separateness.  When we recognize brothers and sisters in one another, there comes a call to compassionate action restorative justice, and mercy. It no longer makes sense to hate, to seek retribution or to find a scapegoat.  Good families work together to find solutions for differences because our relationships have a firm foundation of love.

"We carry the whole world in our hearts, the oppression of all people, the suffering of our friends, the burdens of our enemies, the raping of the earth, the hunger of the starving, the joyous expectation every laughing child has a right to." ~ Sister Joan Chittister

It wasn't until I discovered the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that the full realization of my oneness with the struggles of others really hit me. Although my lifework had been working with children who suffered unimaginable abuse, none of my counsel seemed to apply to me or connected to my own woundedness. Forced by the consequences of drowning my sorrows in booze, I stumbled into AA. It was a remarkable experience. Men and women freely and intimately joined in a common oneness surrounding their most devastating tragedies. They forged an alliance and healing community. I left with a sense that everyone on the planet should join AA whether they ever had a drinking problem or not. The result for me was that I became a better counselor and a better human being.

This acceptance and acting out of our undeniable kinship is often referred to as "oneing", a term first used by Julian of Norwich in the fifteenth century. Bill Wilson and AA figured it out in the 1940s. Once pursued, nothing short of it will ever satisfy you again. When fully embraced it will change your life and it will change the world.