Mutual Respect; A First Dose of Healing
There is a lack of mutual respect which fuels the misunderstanding, violence and hatred so evident in society today. The differences we have are strengths, not weaknesses. In fact, it is our rich diversity that makes this country so vibrant and unique. Our oneness looks more like a multi-layered quilt than a homogenized melting pot.
I'm always skeptical when someone quips that they are 'color blind' while discussing issues surround race. Saying such a thing strips the other person of their distinctive flavor and negates the special gifts we each have to offer. People don't have to want the same things. We don't have to worship the same way. In fact, we don't need anything in common at all to have mutual respect.
I was listening to an interview with Dee Margo, mayor of El Paso following the mass shooting in his town. In response to a question concerning gun violence, he offered some good home spun Texas wisdom saying;
"There's a lot goin' on in America right now. We’re gonna have to deal with it on all levels."
He is right of course. There are no simple solutions to the surge of hatespeak and horrific bloodshed we are experiencing. Much has to be done to change our direction and few options should be eliminated. But a first dose of healing would be to put away our measuring sticks. This will allow us to regard the sacred dignity of one another and generate an energy which flows both ways. The resulting mutual regard will transform into mutual respect. And it's almost impossible to hate or hurt someone you respect.
Have Hope; The Best Is Yet To Be
Hope is never in short supply though we sometimes turn our faces from its light and stare into the darkness. This looking away invites gloom to our table. Fear and discouragement creep in as unwanted guests. But even so, there still remains a flicker of hope which cannot be extinguished. When we reawaken to its presence, the shadows of uncertainty will always withdraw.
Hope transforms every aspect of life because it is the essence of faith. Times of trouble will come and go. But those who carry the torch of faith and hope will light the path of recovery and healing guiding us to the place where love does not have to be proven. These beacon carriers are angels among us. They come in every size, shape, and color asking only that we open our hearts to join their quest of freedom from doubt.
For me, and for the clients I serve, doubt has proven to be the antithesis of hope. It is a faith killer for those who suffer with addictions and from childhood trauma. Doubt informs us that nothing will bring relief. Nobody will be able to help. It says that we will always be alone.
"Hope is not an idle, misty, sympathetic emotion. It is a faith-filled response to life." ~ Robert K. Jones
Even when sword rattling is deafening and all seems to be lost, we must choose to respond to life with hope believing that the best is yet to be. And we know this belief to be true because the outcomes are not relegated to darkness. They are in the hands of a loving God.
A Cry for Justice; When Mercy is Abandoned
There is an almost deafening cry for justice nowadays. So many people feel like they have been treated unfairly. Certainly, the evidence of widespread child abuse, disproportionate incarceration along racial and ethnic lines, and all kinds of discrimination, are reasons for those who suffer to seek recompense. But is justice really what we seek? Too often those deafening cries sound more like angry rumblings for revenge.
When we desperately desire for those who have wronged us to get-what-is-coming to them, practically all notions of mercy are abandoned. There is a bit of the vigilante in the best of us. Isn't it strange that when we pray to God we always ask for mercy when it comes to our wrongdoings but never ask for justice. Mercy seems to be what we want for ourselves while justice is what we pursue for others.
The difference between justice and mercy is that mercy seeks forgiveness and justice seeks punishment. Both of them wish to make the victim whole again. Don't get me wrong. There must always be consequences to unacceptable behavior. Without rules, laws and impartial justice, anarchy overcomes societal order. I have served as an officer of the court, a probation officer, and a pardons/parole prison counselor. So I thoroughly understand the need for a system of judicial penalty. But maybe, just maybe, if we would first apply The Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) the difference between justice and mercy might blur a little bit.
In the midst of current conditions while seemingly surrounded by chaotic suffering, we could easily miss seeing the presence of God in those who have wounded us. We must remember that when mercy is abandoned, the heavy hand of justice can destroy us as easily as any shadowy external enemy. May our guardians of justice always consider the flawed nature of all people and balance their decisions with fairness. May we, in turn be merciful as God is merciful to us.
We Can Be Better; We Can Do Better
We are all good people.
That is a very bold statement. It is bold because there are undeniably so many examples of deplorable human behavior. It manifests in ever-expanding acts of violence, evil and hatred. However, we are all just as undeniably born as good people. Things happen along the way that harden our hearts and minds. But each of us continues to be a work in progress with a God-given capacity for good and an ability to become much better. Nobody is perfect. When these truths are recognized, we can finally begin to embrace the fundamental goodness in others and in ourselves.
“Our whole mission and purpose in life is one of love.”
We have slipped into a dangerous and slippery place lately, where lines are drawn and walls have been built between those who are most like us and those who are different. Skin color, ethnic background, gender, religious beliefs, language, sexual orientation. and socioeconomic status are among the many ways we are dividing ourselves (most often in the name of safety and security). By so doing, we disown the ones who need us most. Those who suffer are held in contempt and blamed for their poverty of substance and spirit as if it comes from some inborn lack of initiative or laziness. Then, life becomes a contest of the strong against the weak which ultimately leads to wholesale persecution.
Where do we encounter God if not in the faces of one another? How can we know God at all if we establish a hierarchy of worth?
In short, we cannot.
The only God that can exist under those circumstances is more akin to Santa Claus who continually makes a list of the naughty and nice. Judgment and punishment are the hallmarks of how that kind of God relates to us. This cannot be. If God is Love in one breath, God cannot be executioner in the next. But since God is Love, and we are God's children, then our whole mission and purpose in life is one of Love. Jesus makes this clear in The Great Commandment (Matthew 22:36-40) when we are told above all else, to Love God, our neighbors and ourselves.
And so, good people, we are empowered. We are better than we thought. We can be better. We can do better.
The Bondage of Worry; Setting Yourself Free
Worry is a jailer who keeps us shackled. He forces us to peer ten steps ahead while reminding us of how inadequately we are prepared for what might come next. I have seen the effects of this in my counseling offices day after day for the past four decades. It manifests in substance abuse disorders, depression, anxiety, and hypochondria. But regardless of diagnosis, the result is that life (which is going on in the present moment) rushes by unappreciated. And hope is stifled. The worry prison makes sure of such things.
Worry is a liar. Studies show that most people spend anywhere from one to eight hours every day worrying about things when only 8% of those problems ever actually materialize. What a waste of time and energy! Freeing ourselves from bondage requires acceptance of this reality.
I'm always comforted by the way Jesus addresses worry. He gives perfect guidance to listeners in what is known as his Sermon on the Mount. In this message of how to live, pray and serve one another, he gives special attention to worry telling us simply not to do it. (Matthew 6:25-34). He asks if anyone can add a single hour to their life by worrying. Of course, the answer is a resounding NO. For if we are to be free and if we are to live fully...life demands an even more resounding YES. The fact is that our control over outcomes is limited no matter how much we would like to be in charge of them. What is required is that we do what needs to be done and address whatever concerns crop up. After that, we just have to 'Let go and Let God'.
Here is a little slogan I offer to my clients. It's a great reminder when worries show up and try to imprison us.
This is the only moment available to me. This is it. Just this.
Finding the Pony; A Full Embrace of Abundance
Our load will be lightened and spirit renewed when we delight in the fullness of life.
We have become such a people of more, bigger and better...quickly tossing aside treasures of yesterday in favor of today's bling. Our sense of lack has obscured the presence of incredible abundance surrounding us. It gets pretty ridiculous. Someone I know owns a perfectly good, late model smartphone, but is champing at the bit to spend nearly $1,000 for the newest release. Really. We seem to be chasing headlong after some distant pleasure that, when finally obtained, provides such transient comfort that we must start the pursuit all over again. I'm reminded of the story about two little boys being tested by a psychologist:
A researcher took two subjects, an eight-year-old privileged boy and an eight-year-old marginalized boy, placing them in two separate rooms. The wealthy kid was seated among dozens of brightly wrapped gifts and the poor kid was enclosed with great ceiling-high piles of horse manure. When the scientist returned to see what was happening two hours later, he found the boy with the presents wandering around his room with the carnage of opened presents strewn about. When asked what he was doing the child replied, "I'm bored.". Arriving in the second room, the researcher found an eight-year-old throwing horse manure all over the place. When asked what he was doing, the child replied, "Hey mister, with all of this horse manure, there has to be a pony in here somewhere."
We can do better than this. We are better than this. Our own great privilege will be revealed if only we could take a personal and corporate inventory. We will surely rediscover that the cup runneth over. In fact, there is so much extra that we could probably never be without. God has given us an abundance of love that we might do good for those who struggle and suffer. He implores us to appreciate what we have and to share our rich blessings. Jesus and every prophet make this clear. Now is the time to embrace our abundance. It is delightful. Look. There is a pony in there after all.
Good Intentions; A Paving Project
The good we do lives on forever. But our intentions disappear with the early morning mist.
There is a great little pub near the University of Illinois in Champaign, Illinois named Murphy's. Famous for its cheeseburgers and fries, it has been a haunt of graduate students and alumni for the past 50 years. It is also known for the graffiti carved on its tables and written on other surfaces. One of my contributions once graced a booth. Some of the words reflect the transformation of hearts and minds. But my favorite one said this;
No regrets. No more apologies
This poetic wall-thought still speaks to me. It tells of mistakes, excuses, explanations, and justifications offered up over the young life of one embarking on a new journey, seemingly free of external pressure and expectations. It was a promise made which probably couldn't be kept for very long. So it goes with most good intentions.
I know what is implied when they say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." But it seems rather counterintuitive that there would be a well-paved highway to fire and brimstone. The suggestion is that Old Scratch somehow uses what we fail to do for his benefit. Though all of that mythology is interesting, it is more likely that the paving project of good intentions falls under auspices of The Department of Individual Neglect. Everyone suffers when we allow the infrastructure of our hopes and dreams fall to waste.
Like hopes and dreams, good intentions require legs and wings. They have to be implemented with passion and hard good work. They cannot be compromised by expedient distractions but must be cherished, nurtured, and developed with discipline. Good intentions can be a cranky bugger. I guess this is why we let many of them go.
Oneing; Our Undeniable Kinship
There is so much talk about how divided, tribal, isolated and separate we are becoming. At a time when science, technology and authentic religion point to our obvious interconnected oneness, voices cry out that there must be some kind of mistake. But there is no mistake. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are kin, woven together with everything and everybody.
The problem with accepting the truth of our undeniable kinship is that it is always followed by a sense of civil responsibility. It is far easier to go with the lie of separateness. When we recognize brothers and sisters in one another, there comes a call to compassionate action restorative justice, and mercy. It no longer makes sense to hate, to seek retribution or to find a scapegoat. Good families work together to find solutions for differences because our relationships have a firm foundation of love.
"We carry the whole world in our hearts, the oppression of all people, the suffering of our friends, the burdens of our enemies, the raping of the earth, the hunger of the starving, the joyous expectation every laughing child has a right to." ~ Sister Joan Chittister
It wasn't until I discovered the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that the full realization of my oneness with the struggles of others really hit me. Although my lifework had been working with children who suffered unimaginable abuse, none of my counsel seemed to apply to me or connected to my own woundedness. Forced by the consequences of drowning my sorrows in booze, I stumbled into AA. It was a remarkable experience. Men and women freely and intimately joined in a common oneness surrounding their most devastating tragedies. They forged an alliance and healing community. I left with a sense that everyone on the planet should join AA whether they ever had a drinking problem or not. The result for me was that I became a better counselor and a better human being.
This acceptance and acting out of our undeniable kinship is often referred to as "oneing", a term first used by Julian of Norwich in the fifteenth century. Bill Wilson and AA figured it out in the 1940s. Once pursued, nothing short of it will ever satisfy you again. When fully embraced it will change your life and it will change the world.
Here and Now; Just One Moment in Time
We have one brief shining moment. And this is it. Here and now.
Do you remember how easy it was to savor those endless moments of summer when you were little? A big black ant trying to carry some ponderous treasure several times its size would captivate us. We could lay in the cool grass watching clouds in the sky finding shapes of dinosaurs (and lions and tigers and bears). Impatient parents would ask if we hadn't anything better to do. It was hard for us to imagine what in the world they were talking about. But soon enough, the languishing comes to an end. Jackie Paper no longer comes to visit Puff. We start growing up and put more value on future goals than on miracle moments. Eventually. worries about the future and regrets about the past consume us. Though, as any psychologist will confirm, something of the child remains. I've seen toughened men weep when they read or hear Rumi's poem Red Shirt;
Has anyone seen the boy who used to come here?
Round-faced troublemaker, quick to find a joke,
slow to be serious.
Red shirt, perfect coordination, sly, strong muscles,
with things always in his pocket.
Reed flute, ivory pick, polished and ready for his talent.
You know that one.
Have you heard stories about him?
Pharaoh and the whole Egyptian world
collapsed for such a Joseph.
I would gladly spend years getting word
of him, even third- or fourth-hand.
Since some of that boy or girl lingers beneath our adult busyness, maybe God is trying to implore us to reach inside for something we thought was lost. Perhaps the truth we knew so well as children is a key to living life fully. For what we have done is finished, and what we might accomplish someday only dwells in the mist. Gordon Cosby, the beloved mentor of so many servant leaders taught me that all of eternity has conspired to bring us to this very moment.
Be quiet and think about his lesson. This sacred moment is the crossroad of time, space, and eternity. They coexist as marvelous works of creation. We certainly might not perceive it during painful and tragic situations. We might not even 'get it' on a vacation beach walk at sunrise. But during this one moment in time, taken from the perspectives of each living creature, contains every one of God's brush strokes. Birth, death, love, hate, peace, war, anguish, and ecstasy are all happening here and now. And as Gordon Cosby said; "We have been waiting for you for a long, long time."
It is at this crossroad, if we allow the child in us to speak of ants and clouds, that we will encounter Immanuel...God-With-Us.
Atonement; How to be at One
ChaplainUSA Contributing Editor Bob Jones offers Police Chaplains insight into the origins of atonement and how healing is often an inward journey to be "at one".
"I've decided to be loving and kind in the world. Now...just hopin'...the world will return the favor." ~ Jermaine (a former LA gang member, now part of Gregory Boyle's Homeboy Industries)
Don't you wonder what life might be like if we all made the sort of decision that Jermaine made?
He became gentle and kind in a community which directed him to be otherwise. Our misfortunes, wounds, ambitions, and desires ask us to judge and expect judgment. We seek reparation rather than reconciliation. Ultimately, we are led into darkness, becoming someone we would rather not be.
Paybacks and getting even are lonely ways to live life. This desire for in-kind justice can be a slippery slope requiring us to wait for the one who has injured us to get what is coming. My counseling office has hosted an overabundance of such unhappy people. Both victims and perpetrators sit with me. Each one has uniquely deep cuts and emotional scars. All of them hope for some kind of karma (good or bad) to provide atonement.
So what about atonement? It's not, as many believe, paying for past wrongs, sins, and mistakes. Rather, it is being at one with yourself, your neighbor and your God. At-one-ment.
This requires much effort in a tit-for-tat, quid pro quo world.
Because you have to stop blaming others. There is never someone else. It is always me. I will only receive atonement when I accept that I am connected with all of creation. The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says this well when a suffering physician tells the reader about his transformation:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, page 417)
Acceptance is the key to finding God's abundance of unconditional, infinite mercy, and love. After everything is said and done, it is the path to at-one-ment for each of us.
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a·tone·ment
/əˈtōnmənt/
early 16th century (denoting unity or reconciliation, especially between God and man): from at one + -ment, influenced by medieval Latin adunamentum ‘unity’, and earlier onement from an obsolete verb one ‘to unite’.
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Working from Home; A Digital Revolution
Bob Jones has seen the future of work and it looks a lot like home. Explore how the remote workplace no longer seems like a far off place.
After investigating some of the dangers and concerns in four previous articles this month, it seems to make good sense that we could find some balance by owning one of our many great digital opportunities.
There was a time, not so long ago, when thinking about employees who worked from home brought up mental images of folks who slept in late, sat at their computers in pajamas, and took frequent breaks to take care of kids or chores. These misconceptions and generalizations are no longer the norms. Remote work and flexible workspace options have become a standard as 3.9 million people in the United States and 68% of employees around the world work at home sometimes or even full time. The digital revolution is reshaping the workplace as flexjobs drive employee satisfaction, productivity, and innovation. In turn, companies are adapting more rapidly.
According to Forbes Magazine and SurePayroll (a PayChex Company), two-thirds of employees are more productive when they work remotely. When sick, they tend to work anyway...and don't spread germs in the workplace. They return to work sooner after illness and medical issues. In addition, an OWLlabs survey says that turnover has decreased by 25%. The need for an office is diminishing every day. Aside from increasing corporate profitability, the environment is getting a shot in the arm with people working at home. No stressful daily commute means a lower number of cars on the road which reduces greenhouse gas emissions, petroleum consumption and decreases air pollution. Everyone seems to win with remote workplaces,
I might have a rosier perspective on working from home than some. My jobs for many decades demanded on-site participation. There was no remote employment opportunity for a clinical counselor and treatment center administrator. But now, as a journalist whose company is in Austin and home is in Memphis, a new reality has presented itself. To get a clearer view of what working at home is all about, I recently talked with a corporate executive of an organization ranked as one of Fortune's 100 Best Companies to Work For in 2019. These are some of the things she told me:
"Remote work is less of an option and more of a requirement for corporations today if we want to attract millennials and college graduates."
Q ~ What percentage of your employees work remotely full-time and part-time?
A ~ 60 to 70% of our workforce operate remotely at least once a week. Nobody in the entire company has an assigned desk. When we do go on site we all hotel. Hoteling means that you go into the office, swipe your badge, register, log in where you want to sit, pick a spot and go to work. The entire space has been transformed. There are cappuccino machines, relaxed areas and views of the city. But fewer and fewer people go in.
Q ~ What is a management challenge you face with your remote team of workers?
A ~ There are nine employees I haven't physically seen for three years. They are all around the country. So I make it a point to have regular contact to check in and see how they are doing in addition to work-related business. So that can be a drawback. But we make it work effectively and have good personal and team relationships.
Q ~ What have the benefits been for you in working from home?
A ~ I couldn't do what I do if I had to go into the city and be onsite every day. My performance time at work has increased along with productivity. I am able to take care of my children and home at the same time. Being a Mom requires the same thing of working mothers as anyone else. I still have to do laundry, cook, pick the kids up from school, give baths, keep the house clean and so on. The only way to do all of this effectively for me is through off-site employment.
Q ~ How do you achieve work/home balance with a remote job?
A ~ You have to be disciplined. But there are all-day meetings and constant contact so some of that just happens. The hardest part about balance is that you are always accessible. People want an immediate response to emails and messages. In the past, there was an automatic downtime on a commute or at lunch. Not so anymore. I have people on the east coast who need answers at 7:00 in the morning and people on the west coast that require a response at 8:00 PM. The biggest challenge of balance is finding ways to turn it all off.
Q ~ What about the future of remote work?
A ~ Working on site is disappearing. Millennials expect to work remotely. I think about my kids who experience our kind of work every day. This is how they are forming concepts of what and where work should be.
New survey data suggests that "employees who work from home at least once a month are 24% more likely to feel happy and productive at work than their desk-bound colleagues." In fact, they just seem to be happier and less stressed in all areas of life. If my executive friend is right, and I am sure she is, the global nature of work is changing rapidly and there is no going back. We need to accept, master, embrace and celebrate the digital workplace. It is how we will be doing business from now on.
Knowledge at Our Fingertips; You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet
We have spent the first half of June exploring concerns and dangers of our ever-emerging digital world. This is the first of four articles which looks at the incredible benefits it brings us. There are plenty of reasons to celebrate.
Learning things, gaining knowledge, and wisdom which came with great patience and effort only a few years ago now lies at our fingertips. Information once stored away at libraries and museums is just as easily accessible as your favorite television show. Poetry, literature, art, science, and technology can be studied and explored at a whim from the comfort of home. How miraculous and exciting to live in such an age.
Some of my grown children and spouses make a living in the technology fields. One is a Data Quality Manager, another Director of Technology Recruiting and a third is an Account Executive Manager of Cloud Technologies. Our son, who just came back from an international convention in Nashville, was explaining to us how a new program solves logistic problems as easily as organizing Lego's. His father-in-law, an accounting professor, chirped in that he was lost in whatever Steven was describing. Though not exactly lost myself, our techy pro was telling the story of languages and applications which mystify me in so many ways.
I am no neophyte to computers. My experiences began with them back in early 1971 when, as a young behaviorist working with troubled boys, I learned Fortran in an effort to use computers to predict adolescent behavior. It didn't work. My guess is that even the newest programs and languages explained by our son couldn't accomplish that heady task. But you never know. Long story short, I was hooked on the burgeoning technology right then and there. Over the years I have modernized hospital communications between treatment teams using personal computers, created programs to diagnose the severity of addictive illness while inventing individual strategies for recovery, and on and on. But here I am today, swimming in a sea of technological evolution which overwhelms my head, heart, and gut. Extraordinary wonders await us which are just around the corner...and we are at that corner already. It is developing at lightning speed and not a single aspect of life is devoid of tech influence and guidance.
Five Awesome Digital Wisdom Revolutions
- Human Brain Project: Research neuroscientists are mapping the brain creating a 3D atlas stitching together thousands of brain cross-sections showing details as small as a human cell. This will advance neuroscience medicine in ways unimaginable a decade ago.
- Three Dimensional Printing: Architecture, engineering, medicine, aerospace, and the auto industry (to name a few) are all using this amazing technology to make things in new and innovative ways. Home users are creating projects that are mind-blowing. You can get an industrial grade 3D printer on Amazon for $1,500 and have it shipped with a guaranteed delivery date in four days. Yikes.
- E-Learning for Anyone: It's not just for school kids anymore. E-Learning (technology-based learning) is an industry that has been embraced by schools, corporations, teachers, and students of every ilk. Lee Ann Obringer, Communications Director of The Walking Classroom Institute says that "E-learning is to classroom learning as cell phones are to a pay phone at the bus station." It provides self-paced programs at low cost in convenient locations with continually updated content. What a benefit for traditional and non-traditional learning milieu.
- Artificial Intelligence: AI is the replication of human intelligence by computers. The technology allows machines to learn from experience in part by recognizing patterns. New Deep Learning software recognizes speech, identifies images and makes predictions. Self-Driving cars, medical diagnosis, nanorobots, design/security systems, and personal assistant robots (here comes C-3PO) are all on the AI horizon.
- DNA Engineering: Gene editing technology is giving scientists the ability to change our DNA. They can add to, edit or remove genetic material. There is such great interest in this miraculous medical engineering as it offers new hope in curing diseases such as cancer, sickle cell, mental illness, and HIV among many others. Ethics concerns are valid of course and have halted research in many countries.
There is a seemingly endless list of dynamic digital technologies happening and developing right now. Managing them in our micro and macro lives are daunting. Each of us is responsible to the extent of digital impact on ourselves and our families. But one thing is certain...our reality is changing dramatically and will continue to change regardless of any effort to slow it down. I suggest this...Hold on and enjoy the ride.
Getting Soft; Casualties of a Digital Age
At the turn of the century, Theodore Roosevelt preached the gospel of the “strenuous life; of toil and effort, of labor and strife”. Over one hundred years later, American’s lead increasingly sedentary lives.Bob Jones explores the cost both physical and spiritual of the digital age.
This is the fourth of four articles about concerns, or the down-side of the digital age in our series, “Mastering our Digital; Recovering the Real World.”
We spend a lot of time in front of one sort of screen or another every day. Michigan State University, which has gathered the largest concentration of media psychologists in the world to analyze digital impact, reports that the average American spends at least six hours a day absorbing electronic media.
There are consequences.
Too much screen time is creating significant health-related problems. This is especially worrisome in children and adolescents as the influence of technology increases. Parents have some big decisions to make when it comes to how much exposure kids have to screens. All of us need to take stock of what we are doing to our bodies and brains as we spend so much of our lives sitting and interacting with these digital devices.
Soft Brains
The most complex computer ever created is the human brain. It is changing and developing from the time we are in the womb until death. Research tells us that the most rapid time of neurological growth goes on for the first decade of life. Every experience contributes to who a child will become. But the changes don't stop there. The adolescent brain undergoes dramatic brain pruning and trimming in which as much as ten percent of gray matter is cast off as unnecessary. Neuronal connections are remapped and higher processing and executive functioning are refined. Even in mid and old age, the brain is constantly recreating and adapting.
So, here is the problem. We are overloading our sensory circuits with too much screen time. In addition, studies confirm that our overuse of digital technology is shrinking gray matter which controls higher functions and impulse control, slowing down signals between brain hemispheres, reducing cortical thickness, and impairing dopamine production causing a declining sense of well being. Overuse of screen time is even said to be contributing to depression and suicide ideation. The bottom line is that we are making soft brains that are maladaptive.
Soft Bodies
It seems obvious that our bodies are not going to respond well to inactivity due to digital abuse. Here are three issues we face as a result:
- Weight Gain and General Health~ Inactivity while interacting with screens creates a low-calorie burning scenario. Sedentary habits lead to appetite disruption, decreased muscle mass, obesity. heart disease, diabetes, some types of cancer and links to heart disease.
- Sleep Disturbance ~ Digital light suppresses melatonin and sends messages to the brain that it is daytime. Insomnia in adults and children is widespread.
- Eye Strain ~ Our eyes are impacted by staring at a screen for long periods of time followed by dry eyes, blurry vision, and headaches.
Toxic Trends
Excessive use of social media has been connected to risky and bad decision making according to Dar Meshi at Michigan State. Inactive bodies and neurologically challenged brains leave us at our most vulnerable. Misinformation and so-called fake news promulgated on the internet and television cause people to develop worldviews and opinions that are not grounded in truth. Once people believe that something false is true it is very difficult to persuade them otherwise.
When these ideas are constantly reinforced on screens we watch for so many of our waking hours, the more divided and unreasonable we become. With Deepfake Videos becoming widespread, the line between what is real and what is not blurs. The threat to our democratic government could be at stake as the next federal election nears. But there is plenty we can do to break the habit and regain control of our lives. Our screens cannot pass sentence on what we are to become unless we allow it.
Three Simple Ways to Reset and Restore
- Daily Chores and Routines ~ Set a minimum time for family activities and chores every day while limiting screen time for everyone. Anything more than one hour online is too much. More than an hour of television is enough. Thirty minutes of assigned chores will make your home a happier place. Another thirty minutes of active play inside or out is a must to maintain healthy bodies. Add in thirty minutes of board games, card games or reading together. There are an hour and a half in which digital is out and bonding is in.
- Enforce Good Sleep Habits ~ All WiFi should be turned off an hour before bedtime. Studies show that WiFi signals may suppress melatonin and increase arousal levels. Set bedtimes for kids. No junk food or other eating before sleep. Keep rooms as dark as possible.
- Be and Play Outside ~ One of the best ways to reset the computer in our heads is exposure to sunlight, play, and exercise. Blood pressure decreases, perspectives are broadened, memory improves and vitamin D levels increase. All the really good stuff is outside after all.
Hacking Our Future; Time to Circle Your Web Wagons
Privacy is a fundamental right, but as Bob Jones explains asserting that right takes some planning.
This is the third of four articles in the June series “Mastering our Digital; Recovering the Real World.” which explore concerns about our technological age.
Modern-day spies are not only found within the secret confines of legendary organizations like the CIA, the MI5, or Russian SVR RF. They lurk in front of and within digital devices around the planet. Espionage, which had formerly been conducted to glean state secrets by clandestine operatives is now the purview of troll armies and web brigades such as the Russian company known as IRA (Internet Research Agency).
Images of 007 are replaced by mental pictures painted by President Trump when he questioned the identity of those responsible for hacking our 2016 federal election saying "It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK?”
Computer robot programs or "bots" are crawling around the internet. They spread viruses, collect information, duplicate websites, and capture email. Cyberterrorism and hactivist groups are using these bots to achieve political or ideological gains every minute of every day.
As of 2012, more bots visit websites than humans.
That means bots are determining the value of websites to potential readers. 38% of the bots crawling our sites are up to no good. So not only are we out-numbered, but nearly 2 out of every 5 visitors to your site are trying to steal information, exploit security loopholes and pretend to be something they are not.
Four Kinds of Bad Bandit Bots
- Site Scrapers: This bandit steals and copies web content and posts it in other places on the internet. They rip off intellectual property, customer lists, pricing and other databases. Scraping is responsible for millions of dollars in lost annual revenue.
- Hacking Bandits: The bad guys of this bot pretend that they are you. They steal your identity by hacking entire databases like the infamous Linkedin theft of 167 million account passwords and logins. Then they sell the information on the dark web.
- Spam Bots: These are the nasty critters that collect and harvest email addresses and build lists for sending unsolicited mail. They can send out Trojans which will turn a computer into a spam distributor.
- Ad Fraud Bots: Digital Advertising Bots are costing businesses about $4.5 million an hour. Only 38% of all online advertising is human.
The result of cybercrime, digital espionage and data breaches from malware and ransomware is costing billions annually and has created high demand for corporate cybersecurity firms, in-house teams, and enterprise security systems. Lloyds of London Bank recently revealed that cybersecurity is now the most sought after skill among small businesses. Varonis, a cybersecurity innovator published a list of 60 Must-Know statistics about cybercrime that is very informative and disturbing.
Being Better Consumers and Citizens
In light of the bad bots, individuals, and governments compromising our security at all levels there are measures we can all take. Being better-informed consumers, alert to personal threats and conscientious in digital behavior is the best answer to cybercrime. Social media companies, the various media, and governments give lots of lip service to doing a better job but it remains to be seen if they will do what it takes without lots of pressure from us...their customers and their electorate. With another federal election coming up next year there is still no national security strategy to improve on what happened in 2016.
Four Ways to Improve Your Cybersecurity
- Backup Your Data - If all of your data, pictures, videos, music, financial records and other information is in one place, you could easily lose it all to malicious cybercrime. One simple way to do this is to buy an external hard drive and simply copy everything onto it and store it away. Do this on a regular basis.
- Have Good Up-To-Date Antivirus Software - The best computer antivirus systems will update on a regular basis and keep constant vigilance on your system. You cannot afford to be without it.
- Enable and Use Two-Step Verification - This is a simple way to vastly improve your security. The most common form of two-step verification is after you log into an account and enter your password, a text is sent to your cellphone which you have to enter to complete the process. Though slightly annoying, it can greatly diminish hacking. Most every social media site and search engine has a way to set up two step verification. Follow the link above for more information.
- Never Use Public WiFi - You might as well write down and broadcast every one of your passwords, personal information, and access to your accounts while sitting naked at a coffee shop if you are going to use a public WiFi. Just never, ever do it. While you're at it...Don’t use hotel WiFi either.
Mastering our digital lives means that we have to take control of the technology. Bots, adversaries, and enemies are betting we won't do it. My money is on us.
Reclaiming Privacy in the Digital Age
In today's interconnected, technology-driven world, many are re-thinking the consequences of "over-sharing." Bob Jones suggests ways to lead a quietly powerful life.
This is the second of four articles in the June series "Mastering our Digital; Recovering the Real World." which explore concerns about our technological age.
The world is getting smaller as technology expands at lightning speed bringing exciting innovation. It is indeed a brave new world. But as we gain access to vast and unfettered information we are becoming more vulnerable than ever before. Privacy and security worries are increasing. We seem to be living in glass houses, naked and vulnerable without our informed consent.
A Matter of Serenity and Safety
Evolving technology has been influencing, challenging, and compromising our ideas of privacy for a long time. I remember an encounter I had in a remote area of the Western North Carolina mountains where a friend of mine's grandfather lived. He worked a small tobacco farm that had been in his family for generations. The cabin where he lived was built in the middle of the nineteenth century and only had electricity and running water for two decades. Charley was a widower and his grown children and grandchildren were worried about him living alone up there without a telephone.
One of the boys arranged for Bell Telephone to come up and install a unit, but Charley ran the worker off the front porch with a warning and a shotgun. Another friend and I were asked to try convincing Charley to let the man install a phone. When we presented how convenient it might be to just call his family to hear how they were doing rather than make the trip to their homes he replied that "It sure would be nice to do that but the other side of the coin is any one of them could pick up the dang phone and call me anytime they felt the hankerin'. It would ruin my serenity." With that. the advance of technology was halted at his doorstep.
We've come a long way since Charley refused to have his serenity interrupted. With cell phones attached to our bodies, the melodious ringing follows us everywhere and interrupts anything. We even have to be reminded to disconnect during religious services. On one hand, we want to be available for conversations all of the time while on the other we cry out for privacy protection. It seems almost counterintuitive. We certainly don't act like it is a priority. But of course, it is.
Our privacy is invaded every day.
Far-reaching surveillance measures and policies are designed to keep us safe from those who would do us harm. But we give up a lot with video cameras everywhere we wander. Drug testing is so commonplace that nobody seems offended when asked to provide a urine sample. DNA we provide to learn more about our health or genealogy are all too available to governmental agencies. Body imaging devices search us at airports and other public places. Metal detectors are at the entrances of most schools. Our privacy is invaded daily by external forces in the name of security.
Short of "going dark", there are certainly ways to have a desired amount of privacy. And there are some simple ways to maintain the balance necessary for individual inviolability and freedom.
Five Ways to Protect Privacy
Be Smart With Your Smartphone. These wonderful devices are tracking more than you probably know. By using a smartphone you are giving up most elements of the privacy you treasure. They collect information about you even with the pictures you take of family and friends. Stay aware of what your phone is tracking and doing. Check it out at this link: https://www.makeuseof.com/tag/phone-privacy/
Protect Your Passwords. It is impossible to remember all of the passwords we set up. But overused ones are more easily accessed by strangers and predators. Get a password vault or manager to save and generate passwords that will save you lots of headaches and trouble. Here is a link to the best ones available in 2019. https://www.digitaltrends.com/computing/best-password-managers/
Pay in Cash. It should be obvious by now that folks who issue credit cards are selling your personal information. If you want for your buying patterns to be your own business, slow down the online purchasing. Get your money at the bank and spend it the way we used to...with dollars and cents (sense).
Be Email, Message and Call Savvy. If you don't know the sender of an electronic mail, don't open it. Be especially careful about opening any attachments. This is how phishing works. All of your information is at risk when you aren't careful. The same goes for responding to callers on phones (even landlines). If you don't know who is calling, don't answer. They will leave a message if it is important.
Guard Your Social Security Number. It seems like everyone would like the last four numbers of your SSN. Be very cautious and wary unless it is your bank or the IRS. The fact is that predators of all kinds can figure out the rest of your number with the last four and your birthplace.
Five Ways to Protect Privacy PDF
There are dozens of other ways to make yourself safer and to protect your privacy. Social media profiles should be very limited in terms of your personal information. Make sure devices have a password or thumbprint requirement for opening. Enable private browsing on your search engine. Set up a Google alert for your name by accessing this site google.com/alerts. Take some time to investigate the different measures you might want to take by checking out trusted sources.
Government and commercial entities are only partly to blame for compromising privacy in the digital age. The bulk of the responsibility rests with each of us. You really have the power to balance your own safety and privacy.
Digital Addiction; The World’s Next Great Health Crisis
Coping with the digital crack of our networked age.
We began a series of articles about "Mastering Our Digital; Recovering the Real World." this month. This is the first of four topics dealing with areas of concern in our cyber-age.
It is reported by the American Psychological Association that 11 million people suffer from some form of Digital Addiction.
We use the word 'addiction' to describe all kinds of repetitive behavior nowadays. Likewise, there are so many 'syndromes' floating around that most of us should probably be seeing a therapist. I hope we are not as sick as we think. However, we do live in trying times. It's hard, if not impossible, to diagnose anything from a remote armchair or laptop. But after four decades as a behavioral health professional, I can confidently say this; There is a boatload of pain out there. People are trying to escape in greater numbers and in more ways than ever. It is no wonder that there is a rise in digital addiction in adults and Electronic Screen Syndrome in children.
This is especially important to understand when 25 percent of kids under six have a smartphone and 91 percent of teenagers, ages 13 to 17 have the internet on cell phones.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine has short and long versions of a definition of addiction. Even the short one is pretty heady. But I encourage you to read their explanation at the above-captioned site.
As exhaustingly thorough as doctors and psychologists can be in explaining addiction to us, it all comes down to the fact that there is too much pain to bear. People are trying to find a place from which they cannot see or feel their wounds anymore and the digital world provides a perfect escape from the reality of woundedness.
Somewhere beyond our flat screens is another dimension...one in which we are in control of where we go, what we do, and who we are. There is no need to fantasize about being another person or in different circumstances. You are there in an instant. And none of the pain has to follow. This relief from the agony of loneliness, fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame is so powerful, and the hiding place so sublime that going back to it is irresistible. There are also countless positive reinforcers in the imaginary world.
Three Big Digital Addictions
- Internet gaming and gambling disorders are becoming a big concern. The 'high' associated with winning, accomplishing and overcoming difficult problems followed by subsequent payoffs is very intense. Baylor University professor Earl Grinols estimates that addicted gamblers and stock traders cost the U.S. between $32.4 billion and $53.8 billion a year. Where normal gamers play online for six hours a week, addicted gamers play as much as 80 and 100 hours per week. Increasing numbers of children and adolescents are becoming addicted to video games. Studies show that they have, poorer mental health, cognitive functioning, decreasing impulse control and ADHD symptoms.
- Online Pornography or cybersex is addictive behavior referred to by health professionals as Problematic Online Pornography Use (POPU). People, especially young males, are spending alarming amounts of time combing the internet for images and videos to provide sexual satisfaction. POPU also has very damaging psychological and spiritual effects. The significant distress and feelings of shame following cybersex are unique. I have treated young men and boys who have even considered suicide because of their inability to stop hypersexual behavior online. Those who have strong or rigid religious backgrounds seem to suffer the most. They believe that their behavior has cast them into the depths of sin. But despite promises to never do it again, they find themselves back at the same sites over and over.
- Online Shopping Addiction has become a financial nightmare for families. Pathological buying on the internet is destroying relationships, not unlike substance abuse disorders. Cell phones and other mobile devices have markedly increased the ability for people to shop from anywhere and for longer periods of time while buying more and more things. There is quite a buzz associated with this and no sense of accumulating massive debt. According to an inpatient treatment center that treats shopping compulsions, "The impulse or trigger to this addiction is right at your fingertips most of the day making it harder to find other ways to avoid this addictive behavior."
It is also important to note that studies are being done and treatment protocols developed for cyber-relationship addiction in which people compulsively engage in social networking, chat rooms and social messaging. Another addiction under scrutiny involves compulsively surfing the web, browsing, and researching to a point that it interferes with normal routines and daily life.
Help Mastering Digital/Screen Addictions and Syndromes
The good news is that help is available for this growing addiction problem. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and other forms of behavior intervention are proving to be an extremely effective treatment. Good outpatient and inpatient strategies for healthy recovery involve discovering better ways to cope with underlying feelings and triggers that drive the addictions. In addition, there are several web monitoring and browsing software applications and tools used in concert with therapy to provide content-control and time-limitation. The nation's oldest inpatient addiction treatment provider, Caron Foundation, makes itself available to lead folks in the right direction for finding internet addiction assistance.
We cannot afford to minimize the urgency of this growing problem which affects us all.
Digital Life; Challenges of A New Frontier
The topic we are investigating in June is "Mastering Our Digital; Recovering the Real World." In a series of four articles and four follow-ups, our hope is to better grasp the nature of this barely charted course before us in order to maintain at least one firmly planted foot in the material dimension where we live and breathe.
We have a dilemma. Portable screens, social media, internet gaming, virtual reality, artificial intelligence, and cable television have intruded to a point that we seem beyond the control of them and of ourselves. Even elections are compromised by dark forces bent on influencing who we are and what directions governments should take. It's all pretty overwhelming, especially to skeptical generations which lived most of their lives without these machines. Though the dilemma may appear insoluble, it is not. Or at least it doesn't have to be. After all, these 'things' are designed to make our lives better. The quandary is whether we should fully embrace, begrudgingly accept, or run away screaming as this New Frontier of Digital Life looms before us.
There is a wonderful story about President Eisenhower which circulated among my IBM friends back in the early 1980s. Ike had commissioned an early supercomputer for the Pentagon. When completed, an entire section of one subterranean floor was devoted to the machines. A master control station was set up behind impenetrable glass walls. According to legend, the President came to see his creation and asked to be alone with it for a minute. He typed out this question, "Is there a God?" and the computers all started flashing and whirring. After several minutes, a single card spits out of its' slot toward Eisenhower. It said, "There is now."
Bill Moyers queried renowned author, historian, and professor, Joseph Campbell during a 1988 PBS documentary called "The Power of Myth." concerning computers and the role they might play in the future. Campbell looked over at his computer screen and said: "To me, that machine is almost alive. I could mythologize that damn thing." but went on to say, "The first time anybody made a tool, I mean, taking a stone and chipping it so that you can handle it, that’s the beginning of a machine. It’s turning outer nature into your service. But then there comes a time when it begins to dictate to you." It seems that Joseph Campbell had already foreseen thirty years ago what might happen in a computer age. But there is no reason to rage against the machine. With the Eisenhower story and Campbell's warning in mind, what we must take charge of is the extent to which we allow the digital world to dictate our daily life.
Trying to find a good perspective of the digital era involves looking at some of the negative and positive aspects of its landscape as we experience it today. This is an early stage of technological development really. We have a better chance to guide and adapt now than if we wait very much longer. I am reminded of the popular modern myth "Game of Thrones" which just finished its' final season on HBO. Despite a chorus of voices that warned "Winter is coming" everyone procrastinated. Old ways of dealing with conflicts, security, and enemy threat persisted even when the almost invulnerable White Walkers were in plain sight and civilization seemed doomed. Myths like this one have the power of validating or maintaining a society while providing a path forward (as Campbell tells us). Now is the time for action as we master our digital and recover the real world.
This is the direction we will take over the next four weeks together. Hopefully, our eyes will be opened a bit and we will be able to better navigate the seas ahead without too much upheaval. Follow the content link on each of the 'concerns and celebrations' below as you experience one of the many wonders of the digital age. Instant information.
Four Areas of Concern
There are plenty of areas in which we can focus our concerns about modern digital life. These are four which stand out as ones deserving of our attention:
- Digital Addiction/Electronic Screen Syndrome
- Personal Privacy and Security/Real Stranger Danger
- Global Cyber Crime/Hacking our Future
- Physical and Mental Health/Soft Brains and Bodies
Four Areas of Celebration
It's a small world after all. Our digital world has connected us in ways we could have never imagined. People who are not like 'us' become potential friends as we forge into this new frontier. Here are four of many reasons to celebrate our screens.
- Wisdom at Our Fingertips; The Future of Research, Learning, and Education
- Alternative Environments; Family Enrichment by Work-at-Home Providers
- Social Media; Staying Close and Keeping In Touch with Old friends and Family
- Medical Miracles; From Diagnosis to Treatment OnLine.
Grief Transformation; Cocoons and Butterflies
We have spent a month together this May delving into grief. From the Five Stages, to coping, and even celebrating. There is always more to say. But one point always comes to the surface, as it did for my friend Elisabeth Kübler-Ross twenty-five years after an awakening she had three miles from Lubin, Poland at Majdanek Concentration Camp in 1946. The story she told me and recounted in a short book she wrote, The Cocoon and The Butterfly, provide perhaps the best understanding of the transformative power and nature of grief.
In 1992, while helping my patient and friend, Michael, through the struggles he was having with terminal illness and alienation from his family, I had a long conversation with his mentor Kübler-Ross. Her straightforward advice was that he should come back to her ranch in Head Waters, Virginia for a retreat. Our talk then took another turn as I asked her why she chose to work with death and dying, particularly with children, which had been the focus of her medical career. For the first time, EKR elaborated with me about her life. Her initial one-word-response was this; "Butterflies." Then she went on to tell me a story.
In 1946, Elisabeth, one of three triplets born to her parents in Zurich, Switzerland, had at age 19, decided that she would become a physician. World War II had ended in Europe the year before. Elisabeth told me she felt compelled to join the International Voluntary Service for Peace in an effort to help decimated communities and provide assistance to countless refugees. It was her visit to Majdanek Concentration Camp that changed everything. The SS killed tens of thousands of an estimated 90,000 Jews deported to Majdanek. Three gas chambers were used to choke the life out of prisoners, many of them women and children. It was in the children's barracks and at one of the gas chambers that Elisabeth saw the butterflies. She was sorting shoes on the floor of one of the gas chambers when she noticed the drawings. Children had used their fingernails and rocks to carve butterfly images on the walls. Hundreds if not thousands of the etchings were in the barracks as well. She was shocked, shaken, and bewildered. How could these little people, condemned to forced labor and death find a place in their hearts to draw butterflies....and Why? Though she did not have an answer, EKR made a decision then and there to become a psychiatrist and to work with children who were suffering and terminally ill. It was in 1971, as she recounted, after sitting at the deathbeds of many hundreds of children that her answer to the Holocaust puzzle came. She told it to me in these words;
"The little ones were no longer in cocoons. Now they were butterflies. They would be set free from the hellish concentration camp. No longer prisoners of their bodies. No more torture. No more separation from their mothers and fathers. This is the message they were leaving for me and for all of those left behind. I have used the image of the butterfly for the past twenty years to explain the process of death and dying."
The pain and suffering of horrific losses have the power to change us and to shape our lives like no other force. After we descend into the darkness there will come a possibility of liberation. We see this in the lives of people like Elie Wiesel, a child survivor of concentration camps, who went on to "combat indifference, intolerance, and injustice through international dialogues and youth-focused programs". We witness the incredible work of John Walsh whose little son Adam was brutally murdered in Fort Lauderdale at the hands of a child molester. John has gone on to expose every kind of crime as he advocates for justice with his television shows and writings. Of course, there are many more like Elisabeth, Elie, and John. They each have been transformed, taken from predictable lives, thrown into a cave of darkness, and have emerged with wings. They point us to the possibility of new beginnings. They also give us a message that there is something more. Like the children of Majdanek, they signal to us that there is something more powerful than death.
When a caterpillar begins to spin her cocoon the most incredible things begin to happen. Woven into what appears to be a shroud, the little creature starts a cycle of death. Then, in an unexplainable moment, it becomes a goo of nothingness. From that goo, a form appears and new creation begins to take shape. Soon, with an incredible struggle that empowers its wings, a butterfly breaks forth from the cocoon. She loosens, exercises, and then flies into the sky. What a miracle. So it is for each and every one of us. EKR saw it happen without exception when her young patients transitioned from life. As she was so fond of saying; "Life doesn’t end when you die. It starts.”
Complicated Grief; Frozen in Loss
There is a the kind of grief which never eases but instead remains sharp, cutting, ever-present, and harsh - it's called complicated grief.
This is the last in a series of articles over the past month exploring loss and grief. It is our hope these posts have provided chaplains and caregivers better insight into issues concerning crisis and bereavement.
There is a degree of chaos which follows any loss, no matter how insignificant it might seem. We are pulled from our place of security all the way to the edge. From losing credit cards to the death of a loved one, the question Why always comes around.
Suddenly it becomes a matter of being judged, cosmic payback or karma.
Why is it happening to me?
Why do I deserve my fate?
Why am I left behind to survive alone?
Why is God doing this?
Of course, asking questions surrounding the Whys is a normal part of grieving, but when it persists and becomes acutely internalized along with a lack of resilience, there exists a bereavement disorder called Complicated Grief.
Just what is Complicated Grief?
It is life turned outside in. It is chaos. Several years ago, the National Institute of Health began to recognize the phenomenon of persistent and all-consuming grief. Studies show that 7% of those who suffer significant losses such as the death of a child are unable to make a transition to acceptance but rather, begin to present with symptoms of PTSD or clinical depression. CG (Complicated Grief) is particularly prevalent in older adults (about 9%) who have experienced many losses over the years (parents, siblings, friends, spouses) causing a cumulative reaction. It has also been reported that at least 20% of those with substance abuse disorders have unresolved grief or CG.
Complicated Grief Defined
Complicated Grief is a persistent form of intense grief in which maladaptive thoughts and dysfunctional behaviors are present along with continued yearning, longing and sadness and/or preoccupation with thoughts and memories of the person who died. Grief continues to dominate life and the future seems bleak and empty. Irrational thoughts that the deceased person might reappear are common and the bereaved person feels lost and alone." ~ Columbia University Center for Complicated Grief
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3384440/
Katy's Story: A Grief So Deep It Won’t Die
The reason I refer to Complicated Grief (CG) as chaos is because it cycles endlessly leaving life in disarray with a seeming inability to adapt to loss. This kind of grief was not uncommon in the patients I treated for substance abuse disorders. But a good example of a life dominated by the chaos of CG is the story of my patient named Katy. She suffered deeply after the death of her young son. Her husband, a physician, and daughters were devastated by the loss as well, but only Katy found it impossible to heal. Ultimately she became dependent upon the benzodiazepines prescribed to relieve her emotional turmoil and depression.
For over three years, Katy refused to leave the house except to buy groceries. When alone, she spent hours preoccupied with thoughts of Joey. Her last words to him were cross as he went over to a friends house for an afternoon of video games and sleepover. And she failed to tell him she loved him in response to his "Love you Mom" as he left. Joey was accidentally shot while playing with a handgun that belonged to his friends' father less than an hour later. Her self blame and inability to function increased until she was finally forced into treatment by her family. Luckily, Katy came to a center familiar with CG and was able to treat her dual diagnosis effectively. She told me that "When Joey died, I died too. I stopped doing everything." Katy was finally able to engage in treatment and her condition improved dramatically. Of course, she continues to grieve Joey's death. She regularly visits and decorates his grave. Katy created a FindAGrave virtual memorial site and a Memorialized FaceBook page to preserve his memory, but has resumed her normal activities and is rediscovering pleasures in life. She no longer uses mood-altering substances to cope.
"CG is a form of grief that takes hold of a person’s mind and won’t let go." ~
Dr. Katherine Shear, MD
All grief is permanent and it is experienced differently by everybody.
For most people who face losses, the intensity begins to ebb and soften over the months. However, this is not the case for those who suffer from CG. The negative feelings become chronic and the condition becomes diagnosable. Though CG was not included as a mental illness in its' 2018 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V), the American Psychiatric Association did refer to it as a persistent complex bereavement-related disorder and gave it a "v" code which identifies conditions "other than a disease or injury and are also used to report significant factors that may influence present or future care." So, like most chronic disorders, professional assistance is necessary for dealing with Complicated Grief. There can be a purpose-filled, abundant life and happiness after CG is treated.
Effective CG Tool
I am including a Grief Questionnaire pdf that is very useful in determining the presence of Complicated Grief for the use of those professionals and others who are trying to help people who are overwhelmed by long term suffering.
My intention in offering it for your use is that it might help identify the possibility of Complicated Grief and direct you to someone who is familiar with its specific treatment. Remember...this is not a disorder that will go away over time and requires expert intervention. The Center for Complicated Grief provides a list of therapists who can be of service by using the following link https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/
Download Grief Guides
The Center for Complicated Grief also offers these two pdf handouts for your perusal and use.
Grief Re-purposed; Reveling in Life at the Moment of Death
We continue to explore loss and grief with this third-in-a-series of four journal followup articles on Loss and Grief. This piece refers back to 'Grief and Celebration; Twins or Pairs of Opposites'.
I just returned from a week-long visit to New Orleans. The Big Easy is remarkably different from any place on earth. Celebrations of life are blown out into extreme displays found only there. Funerals (called homegoings) and weddings alike are known to have jazz band accompaniment through the city with the community of friends and family forming a Second Line parade.
Of the major attractions in NOLA, tours of its' historic and storied cemeteries are among the most popular. We were given a grand tour of three famous last-resting spots by a local haunting expert, photographer, and author, Kristen Wheeler. Our day-long adventure informed me that grief and loss are integral processes of life experience as opposed to an end story of death.
I have visited the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum and many other solemn places of remembrance. But there is no place and nothing like the open experience of life and death in New Orleans. The community, which suffered such catastrophic losses during Hurricane Katrina in August 2005, has come back like gangbusters. This is not to say that scars have been erased and pain eradicated. On the contrary, they are both quite visible. The resurrection of New Orleans is an effort in the making. But joy and hope were never blown away into The Gulf of Mexico, starved in the lower parishes, or abandoned in the Superdome. The City Under Water would not drown in a sea of sorrow.
"When the procession hits the street, the songs are played as a dirge. Mournful, slow playing. Music that suits the sad mood of a loved one’s passing. But, a song or two in, the mood changes. The brass band plays the first notes for “I’ll Fly Away,” and everybody sings. Dances. Smiles and laughs. It’s celebratory. It’s a joyful noise. It’s Gospel. Blues. Jazz. It’s music."
Ray Laskowitz, New Orleans photographer
The lessons learned from New Orleans can allow us to re-purpose grief.
What we can come to believe is that healing for loss and grief starts when we abandon dualistic thinking. Celebration and grief do, indeed, share the same space. However, it is more than that. Along with them, abundance and scarcity, joy and sorrow, fear and love, are all in a kind of circular dance. And what can be more full of fun than a dance? These things which seem to be opposites are really one and indistinguishable. This is essential to understand because when the dark hours of loss descend, it seems as if the light is no longer present. Feelings of abandonment and hopelessness can be so overwhelming that we become frozen in time. The truth that God is with us seems unreal. At these moments we must accept that the dance continues all around us. We can allow the process of grief because joy and hope are not just coming back someday, they are already present.
Here is a mindful and gentle way to allow the celebration of life to commingle with grief.
Choose a short sentence like "Love never fails" or "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" and repeat it several times during the day.
The truth of it will settle into the center of your heart and darkness will begin to accept the dawn. Though this may seem simplistic or mundane, it will actually re-purpose your feelings of grief and enable you one day to dance again.