Comprehending Grief; Five Lessons for 'Passing Through'
Five Ways of Comprehending loss and grief based on the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
This month we are exploring loss and grief in a series of four journal articles and four follow-ups. This piece refers back to 'Grief and Loss Unbundled', digging a bit beneath the surface of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' work.
The experience of grief is universal yet often misunderstood. Comprehending significant losses seems to be almost impossible. Why do such horrible things happen? How could a loving God allow them? These are the questions I posed to Kübler-Ross in 1991. Our mutual friend and patient, Michael, was dying slowly with his body deteriorating from a form of MS complicated by HIV and alcohol dependence. It all seemed like such a tragic waste to me.
Michael had become a spiritual guide for many people who suffered from substance abuse disorders. They were lost and broken. And despite his own death sentence, or perhaps because of it, he was a touchstone of healing. Elisabeth's response to me was short and sweet. She told me that Michael was one of the "beautiful people" and that his defeat, struggle and suffering allowed him to shine through like a stained glass window filling others with compassion and understanding. She said that "the physical body is designed to die and we have a limited time on earth...we will all be allowed to graduate and no longer be prisoners of these bodies." Somehow, I had expected more from this iconic expert, but what she gave me began to resonate as time went by. We are all on the same life journey taking different paths to arrive at the very same destination. She would call regularly to check up on how Michael was doing. When he died in 1993, I called to let her know and to share his last words to me. Michael said; "You are loved. This is the only information you need BJ." Elisabeth listened and replied after a brief silence saying: "Yes! He gets it!"
Comprehending grief and loss may not be as complicated as it seems. Dr. Kübler-Ross certainly believed that to be the case. It is our rejection and denial of the certainty which holds us back from accepting and even embracing it. Bad things do not just happen to bad people. It is almost pointless to wonder why 'bad things seem to happen to good people'. At some point bad and good occupy a similar grey area. Things happen. God is not sitting on a throne with lightning bolt consequences to punish us for sins. God is with us to comfort us as we are battered by the windstorms and droughts of life. We each are empowered to choose the way we deal with them.
Five Ways of Comprehending loss and grief based on the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
- We are responsible for our lives and free to choose love over fear. Fear of death and other losses can consume us or imprison us. We must learn to live while we are alive.
- Release yourself from negativity and blame. Healing will come if you allow love and keep on loving.
- Guilt is the most powerful companion of death. It can only be relieved if we are fully present when our loved ones are alive. Sit with them, listen and just be there.
- Dying is an integral part of life and our true beauty has a chance to shine unless we fail to celebrate it at the end, Remember that what we have accumulated and achieved become a zero-sum. How well we are remembered and celebrated are the hallmarks of our lives.
- Finally, in Elisabeth’s own words; Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is no different from taking off a suit of clothes one no longer needs. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh and to be able to grow.
The New Normal; Strength and Wholeness from Vulnerability
Learning to cope with the daily barrage of tragedy.
In May we are exploring loss and grief in a series of four journal articles and four follow-ups. This second piece refers back to 'Grief and Vulnerability'...that which we most want to see in others and least want to be seen in ourselves.
When deep wounding comes from our losses, the tendency is to build up barriers and secure what we still have. Metal detectors, armed guards, alarm systems, and iron bars greet our visitors where there was once an open door and warm hospitality. Our desire is to make ourselves invulnerable to further loss and pain. We don't ever want to go through this kind of grief again. But try as we may, modern technology makes it almost impossible to escape a daily barrage of tragedy. Everywhere you turn there seems to be another senseless act of brutality. Something screams out for us to be strong and brave. For God's sake...just restore me to wholeness.
"We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we cannot have both. Not at the same time. ~ Brene Brown
Here is the problem with strength and wholeness. We have a misconception of what they are and are not. Instead of coming from invulnerability, they are the underpinning of vulnerability.
Thing One: Strength is about facing a situation head on and dealing with it. This is the essence of courage and bravery. It is not about protecting yourself or walling yourself off. Though this may feel strong and tough at first, it is a strategy that only causes disconnection and isolation. The pain can only be masked and hidden in a self-constructed Fortress of Solitude. The ones who think they are invulnerable will always find a piece of green, red or gold kryptonite in unlikely places. The most extraordinary weakness comes from a sense of supposed invulnerability. Just ask Superman.
Thing Two: Wholeness is achieved by accepting the help and love of others which is done by embracing the reality of your brokenness. The New Normal which comes after loss is not about being made whole again. That just doesn't happen. We are restored to a different life over time. This rebirth of broken wholeness cannot happen in the short haul. Hope and comfort ease back in to replace the devastation as grief is integrated into our day-to-day existence. Dr. Sherry Cormier wrote a good book called "Sweet Sorrow; Finding Enduring Wholeness after Grief and Loss". It is an invaluable resource for starting over.
We hear quite a bit about The New Normal nowadays. There are always references to it after a horrific school shooting, a massive hurricane or wildfires, and other tragedies. But just what is this New Normal? Certainly, nothing will ever be "normal" again. That is for sure. My definition of it is the emergence of dawn as we become vulnerable. This vulnerability allows the light of New Normal to enter into the darkness of loss. With that light, there comes a transformation which exposes the inner self which is connected to something greater than our ego-driven desires. This paradigm shift brings a spiritual awakening to the truth of our oneness. There is a movement from the mind to the heart which is the foundation of vulnerability. This New Normal will shine as a beacon to others who have loss and are lost.
Welcome the New Normal, for this is the lesson of grief and loss. Life has meaning beyond our own well-being. And this is the gift. We have become wounded healers with a strength and wholeness never imagined before our deep sorrow.
Learn more about The Wounded Healer by reading Henri Nouwen's best selling book: The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society.
Grief and Loss; Helping Others Cope
The time comes when those who we love and care about suffer significant losses. It is important to remember that death doesn't have a corner on the market when it comes to grief and grieving. Each season of life brings change. And with every change, there is some element of loss. We are needed at these times as well as when a loved one passes on. Some of those life losses are:
- Retirement
- Birth of a Child
- Empty nest scaling down
- Losing a job
- Divorce
- Natural disasters
- Personal injury or health issue
- Financial problems
“Major life changes, even if they are for the best, can still leave a hole in your heart.” ~ Michelle Carlstrom
Of course, we want to provide comfort or give support to our family and friends. But it can be difficult to know what actions would be best when reaching out. While pondering what to do, I propose the following two things as top priorities:
Thing One: Be there. Your first and foremost responsibility is to show up when you live nearby. There is no reason for a call to announce your coming. If nobody is at home, leave a note at the front door saying you stopped by and that you'll be back later in the day. You don't have to bring anything but yourself when you do connect. Sit down with the person and listen. Touch a shoulder, pat a hand and keep your advice to yourself. For those who live far away, make the phone call and listen, listen, listen.
Thing Two: Commit. After your initial contact, construct a plan for helping. It is not necessary to ask for approval from anyone. If what you are doing is unwanted you'll find out. Keep it simple and promise yourself to do things beyond the immediate time of loss. Cook some meals and freeze some more. Clean up the kitchen. Help pack bags or boxes. Get several 'Thinking of You' cards and send them over a period of weeks. Take your loved one out to a movie. Have them over for drinks. Send little care packages if you aren't able to come in person...and keep calling on the phone.
Sometimes good intentions can cause damage. Mostly it's not so much what we do that hurts...it's what we say or what we fail to do. The effects of poorly phrased sentiments or unwanted advice can permanently affect a relationship. With that in mind, the following suggestions might be useful.
Five Don't Do's When Trying to Help
- Don't Minimize. I will never forget being at the funeral of a sixteen year old girl who died in an automobile accident. A caring neighbor told the mother that she was so fortunate to have the love of her two remaining children. Minimizing the loss of others does absolutely nothing but offend.
- Don't Offer. Obviously you should never offer something that you cannot deliver. But the best practice is not to offer at all. If you want to do something to help just do it. Never, EVER, say; "If there is anything I can do, just let me know."
- Don't Give Perspective. Telling a person who is suffering from a significant loss that life will get better is just careless and cruel. They may be sure that things can't get much worse, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is something that will happen for them in their own time. They hardly need your view from the mountaintop.
- Don't Use Condolence Platitudes. Nobody really wants to hear the words, "I'm so sorry for your loss". It's not about you. Greet the person, hug, tell them you love them. Avoid phrases like "You are in my thoughts and prayers." Send a prayer card or light a candle. NEVER say that God has a plan. The person is probably not very happy with God when grieving their loss. In other words...use less words altogether.
- Don't Stop Coming. Lots of people show up at the time of loss. Then, a week or so later nobody is there. This is when you step back in. There is no time limit to grief. If you think your loved one is still aching, keep coming by. A text message or phone call is never as healing as your physical presence.
There is nobody who can comfort and support better than you. Your strength is in sharing your time and love. Our uniquely individual healing hearts, hands, and ears are exactly what is needed when things get tough.
Grief and Celebration; Twins or Pairs of Opposites?
The loss of a beloved family member, friend or colleague is heartbreaking, there are many ways you can honor and celebrate their life.
We are not in the habit of welcoming or celebrating death and loss. It seems counter-intuitive or just plain wrong on so many levels. We aren't ready to grieve and mourn regardless of how well we've been prepared. Planning and anticipation might set the stage for loss, but when it comes there is little which has been done that truly relieves the suffering. I remember when my paternal grandfather died at age 97. He had lived an active, happy and virtuous life to its fullest. But it was the only time I saw my father cry.
Western culture tends to divide things into either-or's as opposed to both-and's. This two-ends-of-a-spectrum, dualistic thinking leaves little space in the middle and narrows wiggle room for processing death, loss, and suffering leaving only simple opposing choices. Either you are happy or sad, angry or forgiving, beginning or ending, grieving or celebrating.
The dualistic mind wants everything to be black or white. And, in reality, isn't it interesting that black and white are so much alike? On the color wheel, black is the presence of all color and white is the absence of all color. But on the light spectrum white is the presence of all color and black is the absence. Maybe God is trying to tell us something. Eastern cultures and religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism practice non-dualism. And Christian mystics have long understood the value of oneness.
When it comes to grief and celebration, the two are never far apart at all. Many traditional funerals with somber open casket viewings and formal services are often set aside for Celebration of Life memorials. Stories of good times and bad are offered by family and friends who might gather over a banquet table with cocktails and luscious desserts. Laughter and tears share the same space. Such gatherings create an atmosphere conducive to healing. The dark specter of loss and finality gives way to the possibility of new beginnings.
There is a beautiful, hopeful and certainly non-dualistic verse attributed to Henry Van Dyke or Luther F. Beecher that was presented to me when I was volunteering at an AIDS hospice in 1992. It sums up for me what loss, grief, and death are all about.
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."Gone where? Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone, "there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
New Perspectives on Grief and Loss
David Kessler, a co-author with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross of the classic book, On Grief and Grieving, has written a new book called Finding Meaning to be published in November 2019. Kessler identifies a Sixth Stage of grief which takes us beyond denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance to one in which loved ones are celebrated and honored. He also provides specific tools that will help those who are suffering loss.
Grief and Vulnerability; So Hard to Go There
Someone once told me that vulnerability is what we most want to see in others and least want to be seen in ourselves. Becoming vulnerable can be one of the most difficult and uncomfortable experiences. Exposure of secrets, mistakes, flaws, and sins leave a person open to scrutiny which is hard to bear. We seem to be set up for all kinds of personal loss. Reputations painstakingly built up over long periods of time are rendered precarious or come crashing down in unmendable pieces. The grief which follows is almost impossible to bear.
We live in an age where it is increasingly difficult or even impossible to escape from who we are. Rabbi Moshe Scheiner recently taught that suicide rates are increasing in adults partly due to the dynamic of transparency created by instant background checks on the internet. Good names are destroyed every day. Children who suffer the loss of character due to perceptions of peers, bullying and cyber victimization can feel so trapped and hopeless that they consider or commit suicide. Becoming vulnerable can create the deepest feelings of shame when those whom we trust wound us.
When we are grieving we become vulnerable. In fact, it has been said that grief and vulnerability go together hand-in-hand. Either can come first but neither walk alone. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin word vulnera which means to wound. In our most wounded times, we are laid bare. Lost is our stature and resolve. No longer can we appear strong and self-reliant. Our pain is visible to everyone. This begs a rather obvious solution. Just never allow yourself to become vulnerable and then the grief would remain private. manageable, and controlled. Voilà. Unfortunately, there is a horrible downside to that. If we don't allow vulnerability, we will never experience authentic friendships, belonging, trust, or love. What we all have in common is our brokenness and when the risk of vulnerability is rejected true connections are impossible. If all of this is true then how could vulnerability and grief be so discouraged in our society? I guess because it is just so hard to go there.
Perhaps we could find some answers from Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, author, and popular TED Talk personality. Dr. Brown has made it her mission to explore the power of vulnerability. She emphases how important it is to dare greatly in order to live life fully and to achieve success. And more can be discovered in the spiritual wisdom of Richard Rohr, founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation who tells us that vulnerability is the path to wholeness and holiness.
In the final analysis, we have to come to the realization that it is not only okay to grieve and to become vulnerable, but it is also necessary. If we are to heal we must be touched. The work can never be accomplished alone. There are big risks associated with all of this to be certain. But from our perceived weakness will come a new kind of strength. Not the strength of the invulnerable but the strength of love. For, as scripture tells us, the one who stumbles "shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary," (See Isaiah 40:31).
Grief and Loss Unbundled; Revisiting the Five Stages
Bob Jones reflects on the Five Stages of Grief and his own time studying with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969.
I was at the bedside of a dear friend who tried to commit suicide. Under the influence of sedation, he kept repeating the phrase "Lose, Lose, Lose". I understood what he meant.
My own losses were significant, and I had been in his place not so many years before. The weight of sadness from family suicides, divorce, estrangement from my children and financial ruin had crushed me. Denial, alcohol and drugs could no longer relieve the pain I suffered. Ultimately, I found my way to Talbott Recovery Campus where the grief work really began. My friend trudged on with help from professionals and family support. He and I are the fortunate ones. Current rates of substance abuse, major depressive disorder and suicide on the rise tell a tale of grief and loss in epidemic proportions.No one among us will escape the dark anguish of grief. You just can't get out of life without painful loss.
Some of us will endure more and some will have a lesser share. But grief is certain and impossible to measure or compare with that experienced by another. With that in mind, and with the nationwide crisis which we face, it is important that we develop a good understanding of grief and loss. After finding that basic understanding, the next thing is discovering an effective way of dealing with them and living with them.
Over the next four weeks, we are going to explore loss and grief together. What better way to start it off than by revisiting the five stages developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969.
I had the privilege of working with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross during the early 1990s. Her life work with terminally ill patients, death, dying, and loss helped her to uncover five stages of grief which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Though sometimes misunderstood, these stages have provided a road map for hospice as well as for most grief counseling and grief work done for fifty years.
Elisabeth was delightful She was also plucky, impatient, grouchy, playful, funny, controversial and unsinkable. Beyond her scientific research, Kubler-Ross had her fair share of loss as well.
In 1994, her farm retreat and training center at Headwaters, Virginia was burned down. All of her work was destroyed by arsonists who had lobbied to get her out of the community for years. They were frightened that children and adults with AIDS who came there would start a spread of the disease. They mistrusted the outsiders and "new age loonies" who studied and visited there. She suffered strokes and subsequent disability which sidelined her for several years. But she carried on. What I learned from her guided my work with survivors of childhood sexual abuse and with people who suffer with substance abuse disorders.
- Denial: When we are first faced with a terrible loss, a kind of shock and numbness set in. These are protective survival responses to an overwhelming situation. There is no way to fully grasp what has just happened. As a result, the brain and psyche work together so that things can be processed. Denial fades as we can handle things, a little at a time. It is the beginning of the healing process.
- Anger: The rage against loss is experienced when the unfairness of it all becomes apparent. It can manifest in what feels like a judgment from God who seems to have allowed this tragedy to occur. It can show up as resentment at people who failed to be by your side. Anger is just another coping device. What had seemed to be weakness and vulnerability now comes as a kind of strength. Anger will allow us to find the will carry on. An important thing to remember is that, like denial, it will diminish and disappear.
- Bargaining: The guilt, self-blaming, and emptiness of loss result in lots of 'What ifs" and 'If onlys'. "If only I had been a better boy/girl/family member/friend they might not have died". "What if I spend every day living the way my loved one had wanted then life will take on a meaning that will be a memorial to them". Bargaining is about trying to make a deal with God or the Universe so that the loss and grief will loosen its grip. We want so desperately for life to go back to normal that we might promise anything to end the pain.
- Depression: This stage is the most enduring of the previous ones. The depth of loss sinks in. Bargaining seems ridiculous. Life will not be the same as it was. Everything is forever altered. This is a normal feeling and should not be confused with clinical major depression. These feelings will lighten. People will want for us to move through the sadness and try to pull us out of our feelings. But there is no time limit to how we process grief and loss. Being gentle with ourselves as it progresses is the best medicine.
- Acceptance: This stage is about 'finding a new normal'. It is not about getting over the tragedy we have experienced. Because getting over it would be as if the loss never happened or that our loved one never existed. Acceptance is about re-aligning, re-awakening, and re-establishing. It is embracing the present while honoring the past. Acceptance comes gradually in gentle waves. Life will be worth living fully once again.
These five stages are not linear. One doesn't necessarily follow the other in order. Some stages may be experienced simultaneously. Nothing about them is absolute and every person will feel them differently. They are as unique as the individual. What they teach us is that moving through loss and grief is a process that can be comprehended and even tolerated.
Life to the Fullest; Five Ways to Accept the Presence of Fear
How do we live life to the fullest knowing that the tentacles of fear might reach out and sting us at any time? Here are five ways to do just that.
This is the fourth and final follow-up article on the many facets of fear including a four-part Interview/Special Report with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of Palm Beach Synagogue. This specifically refers to my journal entry entitled Freedom From Fear.
Fear mongering in the media and by politicians are ramping up again as the 2020 election season descends upon us. We will be barraged with mythological statistics about increasing crime rates, danger from immigrants, and on and on. Then there is that ugly face of fear which shows up as a 19-year-old California State University San Marcos student opened fire at a San Diego-area synagogue, Congregation Chabad in Poway, on the last day of Passover. An 18-year-old girl terrorizes the Littleton community twenty years after the horrific Columbine school shooting. Area-wide schools closed in anticipation of what might happen. At the same time, openly gay candidate for President, Mayor Pete Buttigieg was verbally attacked at a rally by people screaming about the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Fear is ever-present for those who have experienced extreme trauma. In such cases, terror can show up with the sound of a loud noise, an unanticipated touch, in a smell, a sight or holiday gathering. Vivid memories are triggered of combat, tragic loss, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse, What happened in the past crashes into the here-and-now.
We must understand and accept that fear will always be with us. It walks hand in hand with what we have lost or might lose. It lurks in dark corners of the unknown. It is used by the powerful to manipulate the powerless. There won't come a time when it is gone forever.
"We choose joy in all its constant delighting" ~ Gregory Boyle
How do we live life to the fullest knowing that the tentacles of fear might reach out and sting us at any time? Here are five ways to do just that:
- Stand up. Reject media exploitation. Combat fear-mongering by writing the networks and protesting their actions. Turn off the TV. Limit the amount of time you will spend watching the news. You won't miss much. Read a good book.
- Take 10. Devote ten minutes daily for a meditation routine to connect with that Power greater than yourself (and greater than fear). Understand that you are infinitely loved. Every spiritual discipline or religion tells us to 'be not afraid'. Finding your quiet center and focusing on intentional deep breathing will build a calm inner awareness and provide much-needed perspective.
- Work it out. Twenty minutes a day of some sort of exercise is essential for good physical and mental health. You don't have to go to a gym. A walk outside is just the medicine.
- Take down the walls. So many locks, alarm systems, and cameras have been installed to protect us and our 'stuff'. I wonder how effective they are in the long run. They certainly tell us that there is some stranger out there who wants to inflict loss. In order to eliminate this fear, find a way to connect with the people who frighten you. Volunteer at a shelter or outreach center for troubled teens. You will find that there is not so much that separates us.
- Use Grandpa's Motto. Roy Jones told how to reduce or eliminate fear by using the motto he practiced every day of his 97 years. "Don't Worry. Don't Hurry. Don't Hate." The spirit of wisdom and optimism that flows from these words when used as a kind of mantra provide a directive for living life fully. Try it on for size and spread the words around like peanut butter (even if you ARE allergic to peanuts).
Through the Glass Darkly; Our Fear of Strangers
The premise of my journal entry, The Fear That Divides Us, was that many Americans today seem to be overwhelmed by fear of those who are strangers or in some way not-like-us. Of course, this is nothing unique to our time or generation. Fear of 'the other' has been around as long as there have been human beings. Historically, it seems difficult to love and accept those who we cannot relate to or understand. We are naturally suspicious.
"I think what we're seeing today is just because the spiritual waters have receded and so all the filth that lies at the bottom of human nature, so to speak, is being revealed. Hatred has always been around. Obviously, it's human frailty that causes that, and tribalism, and then fear of the stranger." ~ Rabbi Moshe Scheiner Beyond Fear and Anger
Categorizing, diagnosing, and labeling people allow us to disguise our fears by compartmentalizing them. It allows us the smug comfort of stereotyping groups of individuals so that we are never required to know them on a personal level. Perhaps this is at the root of our crisis of fear in America. We have insulated ourselves so tightly that it is impossible to know one another. Our perception of spiritual, philosophical, physical, emotional, and moral otherness has reached explosive proportions.
The apostle Paul broke down walls of spiritual division and exclusivity by bringing his message to the gentiles more than two thousand years ago. He understood that the gospel of love was meant for everyone and found getting to know people eliminated fear and created bonds of oneness. Paul discovered the face of God in everyone everywhere. We are seeing through the glass darkly because we cannot bear to look at the stranger face to face. (See 1 Corinthians 13:12). Our fears will not be dispelled until we are fully known to one another.
Descending Into Fear; Finding Spiritual Wholeness
I recently wrote about how love trumps fear. Truly, love is the only game in town as far as trumping goes. We are programmed by our culture to dismiss fear and equate it with cowardice. When I was a boy, the one who showed fear was called 'yellow' and teased about being a baby. An image of General George S. Patton slapping a young WWII soldier who was overcome by fear is an iconic example of our disdain for succumbing to it. Love is not always easy to find when fear shows up.
But love is always present and always ready to be discovered. Overlooking it is the problem. We tend to try finding relief from fear by being brave, and by ascending above the troublesome circumstances we face. Though there might be some validity to rising above fear, the solution is only temporary. By shoving fear aside, planting it deep inside, and never dealing with it, we are setting up lifelong chronic survival responses. We are trying to grab control and hang on for dear life. I'm not saying we shouldn't be brave. I'm saying that there is a time in which we must descend into the fear in order to find our true identity. Love can only be found when our tough exterior is cracked open.
"Up is nowhere special at all, but hidden inside of down. Up is dangerous for the soul, while down is communal and comforting." ~ Richard Rohr
The descent into fear is well chronicled in religion, mythology, and tales handed down to us over the millennia. The Bible story of Jonah being swallowed by a whale, Luke Skywalker and friends caught in the bowels of a garbage compactor, Jesus' forty-day desert experience, and Muhammad's revelation in the cave Hira, all reveal the necessity of facing our greatest fears by entering into the depths of innermost being. The result is a mystic transformation. This is what Joseph Campbell called the Hero's Journey. So, being bold enough to descend into fear leads us to the tunnel of liberation. This is authentic courage. It is not made up of violence and retaliation. It is an embrace of our true selves and hence, a full embrace of infinite love. In what seems to be brokenness we experience wholeness...and we find God.
Never Numbing Out; Overcome and Carry On
This is the first of four follow-up articles on the many facets of fear including a four-part Interview/Special Report with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of Palm Beach Synagogue.
After I wrote about the paralysis of fear, its' numbing effects, and resultant feelings of powerlessness, it was pointed out to me that there was another, more intentional, response to fear beyond freeze, fight, and flight. That response is loving persistence or courageous non-violence. It is evidenced in the Sermon on the Mount, as Jesus called for his followers when confronted by fear and violence to turn the other cheek. This was not an instruction of pacifism. Turning the other cheek was about demanding equality from a person of authority. This is the most measured and effective action that can be taken when fear, anger, and aggression show up.
Courageous non-violent cheek turners were named by Columbia University's School of Journalism as 2019 Pulitzer Prize winners on Monday, April 15th. One award went to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel for exposing failings by officials before and after the deadly shooting rampage at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Another went to Staff of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for immersive, compassionate coverage of the massacre at Pittsburgh’s Tree of Life synagogue that captured the anguish and resilience of a community thrust into grief. These journalists stood strong for their communities and for us all in the face of fear and anger. They exposed the truth and rejected the lure of moving on to other stories. They refused to numb out. The parent of a Parkland victim wrote South Florida Sun-Sentinel after Pulitzers were announced encouraging the paper to continue its' work saying there was still much to be done. He can rest assured that they will carry on.
It takes a lot of guts to persist, to remain steadfast, and to overcome. A courageous cheek turner must have the resolve of Gandhi, who when confronted by his jailers with threats intended to invoke fear replied; "They may torture my body, break my bones, even kill me. Then they will have my dead body, but not my obedience.” But this is exactly the kind of response which will defeat fear in its' tracks. We shall overcome. It is the essence of love. And love refuses to capitulate. It will not retaliate-in-kind. It will not run away. it will not numb out. Love is an action-choice made by the brave soul who finally rejects all notions of self in deference to the greater good.
Fear Trumped by Love
The universal message of all the major religions and traditions tell us to “Be Not Afraid” as we struggle to overcome and transcend this new reality.
Fear is everywhere. Stoked by sensationalist media and greedy politicians, it is pervasive at schools, work and even in places of worship. Armed security guards and electronic scanning devices stand at too many doorways. Fear keeps showing up. The universal message of all the major religions and traditions tell us to “Be Not Afraid” as we struggle to overcome and transcend this new reality. Perhaps the only way to do so is by turning at this critical crossroad toward the spiritual path of love and acceptance.
“We can escape fear's paralysis and enter a state of grace where encounters with otherness will not threaten us but will enrich our work and our lives.” ~ Parker Palmer
I recently wrote about the manifestation of fear as we reeled in grief from the killing of 49 people, and devastation of their families and communities in mass shootings at two Christchurch mosques. Fear ignites the anger and hatred which causes such horrific violence. Of course we witness this fear every day in smaller increments. It is found in anguished faces of victims, hardened eyes of gang members and calls for retaliatory vengeance from our leaders. Love is absent. And without love there is little hope. My belief is that we cannot begin to cast out fear and understand love until we accept, include, and embrace those who are different from 'us'. We cannot love God until we love our neighbors.
Our fears are not our identity. They do not have to be the emotional director of how we react and respond to each other. We can choose to reject fear and to choose love instead. In times when fear floods in or darkens our self-narrative, it feels like there is little to do but fight or run away. But the wisdom of Pope John XXIII stands in opposition to this primal instinct. He told us to ‘consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams’. For when we find the strength to choose love we will find a new freedom and a new happiness which embolden our hopes and dreams. We will have lost the need to defend our fragile egos and discovered our true selves.
Three Ways to Choose Love Over Fear
Conscious Living Coach, Lindsay Robin Christianson writes about the good basic tools to be used when choosing to love in the face of fear. Her contribution will help in dealing with fear in everyday life.
Paralyzed by Fear; Numbed Out and Powerless
Fight and flight responses are generally recognized and accepted as the norm when it comes to fear. We are all familiar with them. Just like the boys in the 1983 classic movie “A Christmas Story” so comically portrays, a bully pops up and we run as fast as possible to get away. But at some point, perhaps when enough is enough, just like Ralphie, our rage becomes a fight for our lives.
But fight and flight are not the only behaviors that follow fear. A kind of numbing paralysis known as freeze is more common than we recognize. Often mistaken as cowardice, apathy, laziness or even collusion, this third survival response has gripped so many people in our times of increasing fear.
When we cannot seem to defeat or outrun the predator a ‘deer in the headlights’ freeze response can be life-saving. Helpless to do anything about a horribly dangerous situation, we dissociate from what is going on. Over the years in my work as a clinical counselor, kids and adults showed up completely numbed out in my offices. They had been diagnosed with a variety of anxiety disorders when more often than not were actually showing symptoms of the freeze response.
It manifests in those who are sexually abused, those suffering from substance use disorders, PTSD, and in battered spouse syndrome to name a few. Chronic dread, panic, and terror rob them of the ability to stay in the present. Available resources become impossible to access. Being paralyzed allows them to not feel the horror of what is (or seems to be) happening. This can go on for years, long after the menacing situation has disappeared.
“They're used to self-medicating. They're used to escape. They want to find that place where they can't see their pain from.” ~
Fr. Gregory Boyle of Homeboy Industries
In ever more anxious times, the tendency to numb out is also increasing. It seems quite likely that our over-reliance upon screens, drugs, alcohol and other ‘addictions’ are freeze responses to chronic fear exposure. Mass shootings, threats of terrorism and a cacophony of negative talk coming from everywhere including the pulpit have created a sense of helplessness and a need to disconnect.
We must begin to understand this if we are to empower ourselves to change what is happening. Our power has not been taken away even though it may appear to have been. This is a time to encourage action in those who are isolating. Together we can overcome the powerlessness caused by fear and fear mongers. The solution is not complicated. Here is the message; Bring an abundance of love to the table. Fear cannot coexist with love. Do something to help and do it now.
Ask for Help
NOTE: It cannot be emphasized too strongly that those who are suffering from trauma and clinical dissociation caused by fear must seek the assistance of professional helpers to get relief and to return from being missing in action. They cannot pull themselves up by the bootstraps nor can they just get over it. Trauma resolution is possible using such therapies as Trauma Informed Care among others.
The Fear That Divides Us
The presence of fear is chronicled every time we connect with our various forms of media. As we absorb these many reports it would appear that there is an endless abundance of fear and anger as well as the hateful, immature responses to those emotions. These are not the simple fears we are so attached to which involve our social skills, intimacy, performance or likeableness. Those anxieties seem to come with the human package. The fear that is consuming us is fear of ‘the other’.
When we fear the other our first act is to provide a label to distinguish ‘them’ from ‘us’. No matter how seemingly innocent, when we label someone, there is a degradation which occurs. It can infer superiority or inferiority, but always implies that the one being labeled is different. The 1968 Musical, ‘Hair’, had a song entitled “Colored Spade” which listed twenty-one different labels used in American slang to identify black people.
It was hard to hear despite the ending in which the singer declares that he is now the President of The United State of Love. There is an indictment of labeling which stings the soul in that song.
"We create labels because in defining the world around us, we somehow feel more secure. Yet labels also affect the way we see ourselves and others. Beyond security and certainty, they bring division and divisiveness.” ~ Colleen Gibson
The labels themselves become touchstones of fear used by politicians and others to manipulate us. Even in this time of great prosperity, we are anxious about our security. We start to become more and more watchful of one another. Soon, the watchfulness becomes hyper-vigilance and finally becomes paranoia. The gang member is going to assault me. The immigrant is going to take away my job. The addict may break into my home and take my valuables. The black man walking in my neighborhood may steal my car. That strangely dressed woman with a baby might be a terrorist with a bomb. We settle for fear, act out with angry aggression, or create laws to exclude such people.
We cannot find safety and security in dividing ourselves into categories. We cannot find peace by separating from those who are not like us. We cannot truly love our neighbor if we hate their beliefs or customs. God supplies us with one label and dreams that we will someday apply it to all of his children. God calls us ‘the beloved’ and creates us as brothers and sisters. God puts us on even ground. placing nobody ahead and nobody behind. God loves us all in ways which we will never fully understand. With that truth as a light to follow, we can easily let go of our need to fear, label, and divide. In the final analysis, it is blasphemous. We have an opportunity today to celebrate our rich diversity and our common humanity. We can join together to become one family, under one sky, beloved from all eternity.
Learn More About Fear and Labeling
Fear and anger physiologically are very similar, with virtually the same effects on the autonomic nervous system with respect to cardiovascular and respiratory measures (Kreibig, 2010). Similar physiology that is part of the development of one emotion can lead naturally to the other. Adam Alter of Psychology Today writes a good piece on labeling which I invite you to read and share. It is entitled “Why It’s Dangerous to Label People” and can be found by following this link.
5 Dangers of Labels and Stereotypes:
Dr. Nathaniel Lambert published a book about the five dangers of labels called “Standing up for Standing Out: Making the most of Being Different” which can be found both in Kindle or hard copy. It is well worth the read.
Beyond Fear & Anger; Living in Gratitude
In this final part of our talk with Rabbi Scheiner he explores the image of God in all of us, counting our blessings, insecurity of fear and building bridges.
Part Four of Contributing Editor Bob Jones’ conversation with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of the Palm Beach Synagogue in Florida.
In this forth and final part of our conversation, Rabbi Scheiner shares how simple acts of gratitude remain life's most timeless solution to fear and anger.
Bob Jones: Each encounter is sacred.
Rabbi Scheiner: Exactly. It's like different facets of God's image onearth. No one person has the totality ofGod's image we're all particles so to speak. We're all fragments of God's image on earth. And until we unite with our fellow man, wecan't complete God's image on earth. Andthat idea of we’re incomplete without each other…that you complete me and Icomplete you… this is the greatest gift.
One of the challenges that I think we're facing today is wehave so much abundance. My father has agreat quote he likes to say; “The only thing today's kids are the deprived of is deprivation.”
We have so much abundance that we start taking everything for granted. And what our daily prayers do gives us moments to reflect and to be grateful. And Judaism does it in the most magnificent way. I mean we don't put a sip of water in our mouth without thanking God for the water. We don't put a morsel of food in our mouths without thanking God for the food. If we sit down to a meal in Judaism and we have five different food types…we make five different blessings.
We don’t just say, ‘God, thank you for the food. We say, ‘Thank you for the drink. Thank you for the fruit. Thank you.’
When we get sick we could have a headache, we could have a stomachache, we could have something worse (God forbid). Suddenly we appreciate our health. You don't have to wait until you're in the hospital to realize how grateful you should be that your body is healthy.
I was with an elderly man yesterday. He's having shortness of breath if he walks from his couch to his kitchen he's panting, right? But we go through our day taking millions and millions of breaths. We never have shortness of breath and we never stop to think about it. The list goes on and on and on.
And so if you are blind and one day you open your eyes and they were working you would be screaming from joy in the light. Well, every day when you open your eyes there's a blessing, "God, thank you very much for opening my eyes today because I don't take for granted that I have this amazing camera in my brain that's able to see in color." So it's a daily challenge because human nature is that we take things for granted.
God, thank you very much for opening my eyes today because I don't take for granted that I have this amazing camera in my brain that's able to see in color.
Rabbi Moshe Scheiner
So instead of being angry and envious and bitter about life, and like I said, I do believe anger and fear comes from, insecurity…comes from lack of joy. The solution is to find more joy in your life. Find things to be more grateful. Don't be envious of someone else because look how many blessings you have in your life.
And so I think spiritual values and teachings are essential and I think what we're seeing today is just because the spiritual waters have receded and so all the filth that lies at the bottom of human nature, so to speak, is being revealed. Hatred has always been around. Obviously it's human frailty that causes that, and tribalism, and then fear of the stranger.
Bob Jones: I was a practicing psychologist for 45 years and I have imagined that much of our anger comes from being a stranger to our own wounds which sort of goes along with what you were saying. We are so privileged, and abundances so abundant that we never look at our own wounds. We don't see our own woundedness, and as a result can't identify with the wounds of the other and that's a regrettable thing. I think a lot anger comes from that along with all of the abuse and trauma.
Rabbi Scheiner: There's a story that comes to mind.
It was from a great Rabbi. He once looked out the window and he saw his kids playing a game and they were saying who's taller? So one kid stood up in a box to say I'm taller, so the other brother pushed him off the box and the Rabbi called them into his study, his two children, and he said to them, ‘Always remember, you don't make yourself taller by knocking someone else down’. Sometimes when we feel that we have to criticize others and diminish others in order to raise ourselves up, and that never is the case. The only way to make yourself taller is actually becoming a better person.
Sometimes we're afraid of our shadow you know.
When a horse goes down to the water to drink, it starts to kick up dust, right? And why do horses do that? They start stomping their feet and kicking off dust? And the answer is because when the looks into the water it sees its own reflection, but it thinks there's another horse trying to drink its water. So it starts stomping its foot to kick away to drive away the other horse. And when he kicks up dust it muddies the water and then it no longer sees the reflection of the other horse. Then it starts to drink.
What the horse doesn't realize is that first of all there's no one else drinking their water.
Second of all, that God has enough water in the world for all of the horses.
And third of all, by kicking up the dust all that they’re doing is muddying their own waters.
It's a parable for human beings. Sometimes when we feel someone else is a threat to us and sometimes it's physical threat in business. This guy is my competition. he's going to take away my business. Sometimes it's a spiritual threat. This person or this religion is going to supplant mine or whatever.
We don't realize that God has enough love and enough room for all of us and all of our beliefs and all of our relationships. And there's no one else trying to take what's yours because everyone has their spiritual path and destiny and purpose and it's uniquely yours. Nobody could take it away from you. No one could infringe on it, encroach on it. And when we do what we do…like kicking up dust and muddying up the waters we're just making our own water impure.
So we should invite friendship, camaraderie, fellowship, brotherhood, love and realize that God put us all here in this world and he has enough room for all of our worship and we should find the bridges that connect us because what we have in common is obviously much greater than what divides us.
Bob Jones: Beautifully said. Rabbi Moshe Scheiner. Thank you for your hard work.
Rabbi Scheiner: My pleasure and I look forward to seeing thearticle. It's an honor getting to know you maybe one day we'll meet inperson. God bless you, all the best.
Anger in America; Children Are Listening
In this third part of our conversation, Rabbi Scheiner reflects on raising children in a time of fearful expressions of anti-Semitism, armed security at places of worship, joy and the image of God
Part Three of Contributing Editor Bob Jones' conversation with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of the Palm Beach Synagogue in Florida.
In this third part of our conversation, Rabbi Moshe Scheiner reflects on raising children in a time of fearful expressions of anti-Semitism, armed security at places of worship, joy and the image of God
Bob Jones: You're the father of six children?
Rabbi Scheiner: Yeah.
Bob Jones: How have you prepared your own kids to meet the anger, fear and hatred of anti-Semitism?
Rabbi Scheiner: I've raised my kids to be very proud Jews. The first thing is obviously never cower in the face of anti-Semitism. My children, like myself, walk around with a yarmulke on their head. We never try to camouflage or to fit in. We believe in the dignity of different. And we should respect every religion, every good creed, race, religion. Because like I said, we could all learn from each other.
Every religion, every culture, every society has wonderful positive things and we all need each other. And so my children are ambassadors of Judaism in this world. That's what God gave them as their role and they should wear that proudly. Their faith in God should not be invisible. It should be visible not just in their physical appearance, but in their speech, in their thought, in their deeds and that's what we do.
There has to be ambassadors of God on earth, and yes people will hate you for it, and we paid a price over the millennium for being Jewish. But, it's a sacrifice we're happy to make because it's the source of the greatest blessing of our life. And when children have confidence and belief in who they are and pride in who they are, then they have no fear of others. And if they encounter people who are hateful…we have pity on them, we have mercy for them, and pray for them that they should be enlightened rather than be vengeful and hateful that God should enlighten their souls and their eyes to see the good. And we always have our kids kill them with kindness.
The greatest goal is that when we force our enemy to acknowledge, whether they verbally admit it or at least inside themselves, that ‘you know what…I hate this Jew, but I have to admit he's a pretty good person’. So you just do the right thing time and again, and you open their eyes through your goodness. At the same time obviously we have to be practical about it and we have to extend and protect ourselves.
For the first 23 years we never even thought of having a security guard at Sabbath services. It breaks my heart.
Rabbi Moshe Scheiner
We live in a world which is becoming increasingly more dangerous. And I'll just tell you that I've been a Rabbi now 25 years. For the first 23 years we never even thought of having a security guard at Sabbath services. It breaks my heart that in the past few years it's necessary for when people come to synagogue to see security guards with a gun standing at the door at the sanctuary. That shouldn't be the case.
What kind of a world is this that you can't come pray in freedom. That's not what our founding fathers envisioned. They envisioned freedom of religion. The fact that there has to be an element of fear for just coming to a house to worship…we all saw what happened on October 27th in Pittsburgh at The Tree of Life Congregation where eleven Jews were murdered in cold blood just for coming to pray on a day of peace and on a day of rest.
So that fact that the world is becoming more dangerous and more filled with anger and violence and hatred or the school shooting we saw Parkland here in Florida where 16 young beautiful children were murdered because of a person who was filled with rage and anger. I think we do have to ask ourselves what is causing this anger in young people. And clearly, when the person is happy you know they're not angry. I always use analogy.
If you're angry at someone right? And all of the sudden you win the lottery and you won $23,000,000 and your enemy who you hate walks into the room you just probably hug him and kiss him because you're so happy just won the lottery that there's no room for anger in your life, you're just happy. So people who are angry and people who are fearful of others…I don’t think they're happy people because if you're really happy you're a loving person. When you're dancing at your child's wedding and your enemy walks in and puts out their hand you're still so happy you'll dance with them because at the moment of joy and happiness and love there's no room to hate.
So people who are filled with anger and rage usually don't have love in their life and they usually don't have happiness. Because if you really want to get to the root of the problem you have to ask yourself; Why are people so angry? Why they're so unhappy? Why don’t they find fulfillment? Why is society so shallow today that it's not giving people real spiritual fulfillment and meaning and purpose.
A lot of times psychologists talk about this as well as something called projection where we project our own fault unto others. It’s a Hasidic teaching that every person is a mirror to yourself to your own soul. And when you see something in someone else that you don't like it is usually because you could identify with it because it's really something inside you. They often tell people when you point a finger at someone else you're pointing three fingers back at yourself.
First examine your own deeds before you point fingers at others. So I think that the culture has become very superficial, very shallow, very meaningless. And if it's all material driven then when it comes to materialism, you could always feel…well this person is taking something that's mine that I should be having.
That's why, take hatred towards immigrants for example, ‘Oh, they're coming into our country they're taking our money and taking our jobs’. I'm not saying that it doesn't have to be a legal and a healthy, pragmatic approach for dealing with this, but this fear of the stranger, the fear of the foreigner that they're going to take something of yours.
In material things there is a zero sum gain which means if I have $2 and you take $1. I have $1. I can't have $2 and give you $1 because in material things there's only a limited of supply. But when it comes to spiritual things if you love someone else you have more love. If you love 10 people it doesn't diminish your love and increases the love that you have in your heart.
The more you give the more you have in spiritual matters. The more you teach other people the more knowledge you have. And that's true in every area of spirituality. The Talmud says if you have a candle with a flame and you light a hundred candles you don't have less fire, you don't have less light on your candle on the country.
Now, you have more light in your world because there is a hundred lit candles. So when we share a goodness, when we share love we multiply our blessings and therefore the next person is not a threat to me, but they're an opportunity for me to increase my own happiness and my own love and my own light. And they say you make a living by what you get, but you make a life at what you give. And we should cherish the others because the other is the one that gives me an opportunity to expand my soul and to find greater happiness and love and meaning and fulfillment in my life, because real happiness in life doesn't come from material things.
We all know that. Those are temporary and fleeting. Real happiness comes from meaning, from purpose, from love, from connections with others, from connections to God, from sacrifice. Sometimes the greatest joy in life comes from that which we sacrifice for others. So if someone is in need and you make a sacrifice for them, that just makes your life more rich. Maybe you gave away something, but you have more because you gave. So I think the perspective on life, the perspective on others that every human being is created in the image of God, just because the next person is not like you, they are still just like you.
Bob Jones: The image of God.
Rabbi Scheiner: The image of God. So, they may not be created in your image, but they're created in God's image which is the same as your image. So more than ever before I think that spiritual values in teachings is important in the education of children and that's how we raise our children. We try to give them a healthy diet. A healthy diet is a balanced diet.
You can't just teach a kid only about how to make money and how to be successful. Most of the schooling is about the how of life. You have to teach them the whys, the meaning, the purpose behind it all. And therefore not just at the home, but in the school, you know there's a balanced approach to education and not only towards material skills and physical life skills and knowledge, but spiritual knowledge and spiritual values.
Because what we're seeing today whether it's epidemic with drugs and opioids and all of that is, why would people do these things if not for the fact that they feel a great void, a great dissonance, a great craving and yearning for something to fulfill them.
Your highest goal for you children is you want them to have meaning in their life.
Rabbi Moshe Scheiner
Material things and pleasure and the hedonistic lifestyle don’t fulfill you. I mean Judaism doesn't have a problem with pleasure. We believe God created pleasure for our enjoyment like a loving parent wants a child have pleasure in life. But the greatest ideal for your children is not that they should have a pleasurable life. You want them to have pleasure in life, too, but your highest goal for your children is you want them to have meaning in their life, you want them to have fulfillment, you want them to have happiness. And that comes through action, that comes through connection, that comes through accomplishments, that comes through sacrifice.
Your ultimate goal for them is to have a meaningful life, a productive life an accomplished life. So your kid says to you; ‘I get pleasure from playing video games so I'm just going to spend the rest of my life playing video games.’ You're not going to be happy about that and then when your kid says; ‘Don't you want me to be happy? That makes me happy. I play video games all day.’ Yeah, but that's not why God put you in this world to play video games all day. There must be a higher purpose to your soul. So we all know the goal of life is not just to enjoy life.
That's a byproduct of life that it's beautiful and it's magnificent and it's pleasurable. But there's a deeper spiritual meaning to life and I think that's what we have to teach our children, and then automatically the fear will dissipate because we'll see that.
I'll tell you a story. There was a Rabbi who was once driving with his student of his and they came to a tollbooth and had an Easy Pass to go through the tollbooth. And the Rabbi pointed that he should go to the booth that has a teller…like a person taking money. And the student was like, ‘But I have the Easy Pass. I could just zip right through. Why would I stop?’ And the Rabbi said, ‘You have a chance to interact with a machine or with a human being created in the image of God. How could you pass up an opportunity to say good morning or to say hello or to smile at God's reflection here on earth?’
Bob Jones: That's beautiful.
Rabbi Scheiner: That's a very powerful story. Every human being now…we look at the people in the teller booth like what could be a worse job than sitting in a little cubicle. We don't have a lot of respect for these people. We don't think of them as the most important people. But what this Rabbi were saying is every human being…no matter what…we shouldn't just be with famous people, powerful people, influential people, wealthy people, successful people.
Every human being you encounter is God’s image on earth. How could you pass up an opportunity to say hello, to talk to, to smile, to do something good for another human being? When you have that perspective on life you have joy just walking down the street saying good morning to people because you're encountering God's image every second.
Bob Jones: It’s that Thomas Merton experience. We're all sacred. We are all shining like the sun.
Freedom From Fear
In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt offered us his four basic freedoms. The fourth being freedom from fear. It is fear which keeps us from experiencing life to the fullest. We withdraw into the places of safety that shut out the rest of the world.
We retreat from the things that threaten us. The intensity of fear, as it increases, draws us back further and further until we are known only to ourselves. Finally, we are not engaged at all. We are only surviving.
“All hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and openhearted vision of people who embrace life." ~ John Lennon
Fear can be overcome in the presence of a passionate mission. With such a mission we reject the notion of survival and thrive despite fear. Passion is fueled by love which is the antithesis of fear. And passion is at the very heart of excitement. We can be so excited about the present moment with all of its possibilities that fear is pushed aside. We move through it and beyond it because our mission is more important than anything else.
Video
Jim Valvano
Lou Gehrig
Lou Gehrig and Jim Valvano are wonderful models of what it means to face certain death and ruthless pain with fearlessness. One had ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis) and the other had cancer. Both continued to thrive and overcome every day to the very end. Gehrig’s ‘Luckiest Man’ speech at Yankee Stadium, and his baseball clinics for kids being treated at Mayo in Rochester, Minnesota shine for us decades after his death. Jim Valvano’s ESPY speech inspires young and old alike. It serves to fund cancer research efforts through the V Foundation. He simply tells us; “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.” These are words to guide us. They are examples of great passion. They direct us to live it well and to live it without succumbing to fear.
Fear in America; Taming the Mind's Horrible Imaginings
In this second part of our talk with Rabbi Scheiner he explores fear as the basis for anger, envy, and hatred.
Part Two of Contributing Editor Bob Jones’ conversation with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of the Palm Beach Synagogue in Florida.
In this second part of our conversation, Rabbi Scheiner explores fear as the basis for anger, envy, and hatred.
Bob Jones: On Thursday, The House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a resolution condemning “hateful expressions of intolerance.” This resolution was originally designed to condemn anti-Semitism but expanded to include all who are victimized by bigotry. Though I applaud the effort, it seems to have watered down the initial intent to singularly call out and condemn anti-Semitism.
Rabbi Scheiner: Yes. I couldn't agree with you more. I think they lacked the courage to do the right thing, and for political purposes they chose to water it down and not to name the person they were really responding to, and identify what the issue is.
You know, one of the reasons behind the anti-Semitism, or for that matter all hatred, is envy. Usually when people hate other people there's very often an element of envy involved which creates a sense of insecurity in the person whose envy is of another person, and therefore chooses to hate the person. And surely that's true with anti-Semitism directed at us Jews, but in many other forms of interpersonal relationships, the hatred and the anger comes from a sense of envy.
What we have to learn is that there is negative envy and positive envy. The negative envy is when you envy someone's material possessions like the Tenth Commandment: ‘Do not covet your neighbors’ material things’…his wife, his house, his donkey, whatever it may be…and to translate that into today's modern terms whatever the material thing is.
And there's no question that a lot of anti-Semitism comes from the fact that Jewish people obviously have outlived all their enemies despite countless attempts to destroy us.
There's something about the Jewish people and their resilience and their perseverance and their connection to their heritage to God.
And instead of hating the Jews for that success, for that ability to overcome so many powers of nations, of tyranny, of oppression, of persecution, holocaust, programs, inquisitions…I mean you name it. It's an opportunity to those who are hating to say, ‘What could the Jewish people teach us? What could they share with us? What wisdom do they have? What knowledge? What experience?
What is it that makes them the way they are?’ And I would say that's true in any envy in interpersonal relationships. Translate envy into something positive rather than turning to hate.
Use it to love the person to say thank you for being an inspiration for me because we all are influenced by others for better or for worse. And so when we encounter people that are good, that rubs off on us.
We have a big holiday coming up in less than two weeks called Purim. It is a story that happened some two and a half thousand years ago. It's a story about Haman and you would think; okay that was two and a half thousand years ago we were in a primitive world, but today we're sophisticated, we're advanced, we're knowledgeable, we're educated. But, we have Hitler who comes along in 1930's and tries to do what Haman did two and a half thousand years ago.
And today we see again nations like Iran. So the story of the hate and enmity towards Jews, and the desire to destroy them continues. The Jews didn't do anything to attack Haman. They didn't do anything to attack Hitler, and didn't do anything to harm Iran. All these three instances are baseless hatred. It's not a hatred I could understand…that someone's threatening you. You may hate them because they're trying to harm you. But Jews never try to harm the King of Persia, they never try to harm Germany. They were both citizens and contributing to the society. And surely Israel has never tried to do anything to harm Iran but you just see this irrational hatred and what else can you contribute it to accept envy.
Bob Jones: Envy, fear, and anger I suppose.
Rabbi Scheiner: Yes.
America the Angry: A Way Forward with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner
In this first part of our talk with Rabbi Scheiner he explores fear and the spiritual reality of God-With-Us, our human oneness, and the danger of anger.
Part One of Contributing Editor Bob Jones’ conversation with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of the Palm Beach Synagogue in Florida.
It's everywhere you look; rampant school shootings, a massacre at a synagogue, leaders spouting angry rhetoric and our own heated exchanges on social media.
America, land of the free and home of the brave, appears to be in the grip of fear and anger. The question is why and what can we do about it.
As I searched the internet for some perspective on this epidemic of fear, I happened upon a video of Rabbi Moshe Scheiner entitled Anger: Fear Announced.
Rabbi Moshe Scheiner Story
Twenty five years ago, Rabbi Scheiner and his wife Rebbetzin Dinie Scheiner founded Palm Beach Synagogue (PBS) where their mission has been one of outreach and inclusiveness. The Palm Beach Daily News recently quoted him as he affirmed that PBS is a place where “Everyone feels welcome. No one is judged for lack of knowledge or observance.”
Rabbi Moshe E. Scheiner was born and raised in Brooklyn. He holds a Masters degree of Talmudic studies and Jewish philosophy from the Rabbinical College of America. He completed a two-year internship at the Rabbinical College of Australia and New Zealand and returned to New York to receive his rabbinic ordination at the United Lubavitcher Yeshiva.
He has lectured to communities in Australia, New Zealand, Taiwan, Singapore, Colombia and, other communities throughout South America and the United States. In 1994 he became the founding Rabbi of the Palm Beach Synagogue. He also founded the Ethel & Eugene Joffe Maimonides Leadership Institute for post Bar and Bat Mitzvah students. Rabbi Scheiner resides in Palm Beach with his Rebbetzin, Dinie, and their six children.
After a brief introductory conversation with Rabbi Scheiner, I was convinced his was the voice of reason for which I was searching.
Offered here in four parts are segments from our conversation on fear and anger.
Rabbi Scheiner's words and stories frame our nation's bitter and sometimes violent crisis, while offering a spiritual tonic for our troubled times.
Part 1: In this first part of our conversation, Rabbi Scheiner explores fear and the spiritual reality of God-With-Us.
Bob Jones: Do you feel like anger and fear seem to be on the rise in your community and in the world?
Rabbi Scheiner: I do. I feel that as society drifts further away from spirituality and further towards materialism, we lose our spiritual equilibrium. And fear, as someone once told me, is F-E-A-R, which stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. The world sometimes seems like a frightening place and when we stand as individual souls, disconnected from one another and we don't have our spiritual connection to each other, then our egos begin clashing with other people's egos and immediately we lose.
If one has faith and true spiritual connection with others then there's nothing to fear. As King David said in Psalm 23, "I fear no evil for you are with me." So, I think we need to grow closer together to each other and closer together to God and that replaces fear with faith and disconnection and (God forbid) hatred or anger towards others with love and connection to one another.
Rabbi Moshe Scheiner
Bob Jones: As you were speaking I was thinking of the AA people (Alcoholics Anonymous) people who would say, "Ego is Edging God Out."
Rabbi Scheiner: Absolutely. And one of the key teachings of Judaism is that our body is maybe different and separates from one another, but our souls are really all one because they come from one divine God. And in order for God to be our father in heaven we have to be his family here on earth. When we focus on our souls more than our physical beings and then realize that that’s the essence or our identity, we realize there's nothing to separates us or distinguishes us from our fellow man.
We all have the same – we all know we have the same - color of blood. We all have the same feelings and joys and sorrows and pains. And when we realize our spirits are really made up of the same fabric cut from the same cloth, then we focus on our oneness rather than our separateness. And I think that our society sometimes pulls us away from that message. But the more we connect to that message and that idea, the more we are going to love and embrace others rather than fear them and reject them.
Bob Jones: Yeah, that reminds of your response to the horrific shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, when you said “The response to evil is increased goodness, the response to hatred is increased love, and the response to death is to help save the lives of others.
Rabbi Scheiner: Absolutely.
Bob Jones: When we respond to fear with anger what happens to us and to the other?
Rabbi Scheiner: So we become much smaller.
King Solomon said it best when he said in the book of Proverbs ‘a little bit of light expels a great deal of darkness’. The answer to darkness in the world is to just create light and then the darkness is driven out by itself.
When we respond with malice and with anger we become a captive prisoner of our own anger, and it enslaves us to become subservient to a power which is very destructive, and harmful to our own physical, emotional and psychological and spiritual well-being.
As I pointed out on the video the word "DANGER" is one letter, just add a letter D to anger and you have DANGER. Because in our tradition it is said that the one trait that you shouldn't take is the middle path, but you should go to an extreme which is anger. A person should never get angry. The only time it says you can get angry is when you need to discipline a child and you need to act like you're angry. But a person should never get angry because anger is just desperate and multiplies the problem, increases the problem, and doesn't solve anything.
Someone gave me the analogy that it's like your car in Park and you floor the gas pedal it makes a lot of noise, but it doesn't move anywhere. A person who's angry is like a brain that is in park. He can't move and he's just making a lot of noise, but it's not going to get him anywhere because he's locked – in a lock position. Emotionally he’s locked. He can't hear. He can't receive. He can't grow. You can't evolve in that state.
Rabbis take it so far in the Talmud that they say that anger is equivalent to idolatry. And you may say how could you equate anger with idolatry? I mean, idolatry is denying God's existence. And the answer is because if you truly believe everything in this world comes from God and everything that happens…every circumstance…is ordained from above, then you have no one to fear and no circumstance with fear because whatever circumstance you're in, God put you in that circumstance.
And so it's like, I use the analogy of a mother going on a journey and that she's going from one country to the next and getting in and out of taxis, and going in to airports, and boarding planes and de-boarding. And in every leg of the journey if you ask the mother where are you? She’ll say, "Well, I'm in this country, I'm traveling to this city, I’m going to this town, I'm going on to this country." But if the mother is carrying an infant baby and you ask the baby throughout the journey where are you? The baby says, "I'm in the same place I always was they always was…in my mother's loving arms."
If you go the journey of life feeling like you're controlling your destiny (and yes of course God gives us free will) but ultimately there's a Higher Power that decides the direction of our lives. And when you know it's coming from a loving father in heaven then you could accept it and say, ‘Well, this is a test. God's putting me through a challenge because it's for my benefit’. You know sometimes a parent gives a child a sweet medicine, sometimes it's a bitter medicine. But the parent gives the medicine for the benefit of the child.
For every circumstance in life is there is a reason…and God put it there…and we have to find the reason God gave us that challenge and turn the darkness into light, or the stumbling stone into a stepping stone.
Bob Jones: It reminds me to the when you talked about the golden path, that middle way. That's so accurate and so true.
Rabbi Scheiner: Thank you.
Lincoln and Embracing Grief
Lincoln still has much to teach us about grief.
"Men of power sat around him. . . all struggling with their tears — great hearts sorrowing with the president as a stricken man and a brother.” Nathan Parker Willis on the Death of Lincoln
On February 20, 1862, William Wallace Lincoln, the 11-year-old son of President and Mrs. Lincoln, died of typhoid fever. The openly mourning president would become a symbol of our nation’s grief as the Civil War began to take the lives of 620,000 soldiers over what remains the bloodiest four years in U.S. history.
Upon first seeing his dead son, President Lincoln murmured, “My poor boy. He was too good for this earth. God has called him home. I know that he is much better off in heaven, but then we loved him so. It is hard, hard to have him die!” Willie was interred in a borrowed crypt at Oak Hill Cemetery in Georgetown.
His coffin would accompany the president’s on a funeral train to Springfield, Illinois in 1865. This is a story of such profound grief that we can still feel the pain and suffering upon hearing it. Lincoln continues to teach us how to cope with tragic loss…not with a stiff upper lip, but with an unashamed embrace.
According to the United Nations World Population Prospects report, approximately 7,452 people die every day in the United States. Annually, some 37,000 people are killed in automobile accidents, another 45,000 commit suicide and 17,250 more are victims of homicide. There is no doubt that each of us will encounter, and deal with death on a fairly regular basis.
Chaplains & Grief
For Chaplains and First Responders, the chance of frequently facing such tragedy is imminent. It is so important for all of us to open ourselves to the reality that we will be called upon as intimate comforters for family, friends and others.
And it all starts with notifying loved ones. In order to be of any help to those who grieve we must be able to be with them without offering advice. In his book Compassion; A Reflection on the Christian Life, Henri Nouwen called for us to be first and foremost, people of compassion saying;
“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion challenges us to cry out with those in misery, to mourn with those who are lonely, to weep with those in tears. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.”
If we are to abandon the stages of denial and impatience in the process of grieving, we must also be able to embrace the darkness of loss. This is not supposed to be easy. It requires a listening ear open to suffering with those in pain. It also requires sharing and experiencing personal sadness when grief comes to our own door.
Resource For Chaplains Continuing Education:
The Association for Death Education and Counseling is an organization dedicated to the study of death and dying. They provide a place for professionals from diverse backgrounds to advance knowledge and promote practical applications to research and theory. Their 41st annual conference will be held in Atlanta this April. Continuing Education Credits are available. This would be a great opportunity for Chaplains and others. Here is a pdf link to the conference overview. An online webinar, Working with Continuing Bonds in Grief Therapy and Counselling is coming up on Wednesday, March 13, 2019 (12:00-1: 30 pm EDT).
5 Things Lincoln Can Teach Us About Grief
Saying Things are Fine When They are Not
It seems to me that we might have lost our ability to grieve and mourn. Most people spend a lot of time trying to get over tragic or difficult things that have happened.
Common counsel from friends and family who have tired of our grieving and sadness is to ‘get over it and move on’. There is a real problem with this notion. Getting over a significant loss connotes forgetting.
It means that we should go on with life as if nothing was wrong, shoving our anguish and broken hearts into the dark night, and burying it in denial. This inability to allow grief to process is a powerful force playing a major role in much of the depression and chemical dependence that surrounds us. It lies at the bottom of unresolved emotions and unfulfilled expectations that have been repressed in a desire to make people believe that everything is okay.
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare (on the death of his son)
It is impossible for wounds to heal by saying that things are fine when they are not. Sometimes we have to be allowed to wail. The harsh reality of pain, loss, and suffering must be experienced. Lincoln understood this as he gave his address at Gettysburg. Whitman grasped it as he wrote “O Captain! My Captain!”
Embracing sadness and loss, becoming acquainted with the night, and understanding that life will never be the same are the means for moving through grief toward acceptance. And the goal is acceptance.
Discover more about coping with grief.
One of the most powerful little resources is a book named Good Grief, A Companion for Every Loss by Granger E. Westberg. A cousin of mine sent it to me after my mother’s death in 1988.
I have relied on it ever since and passed it on to dozens of my clients and associates. It helped me understand that, in time, grief will soften. We will recognize that life goes on. Almost unbelievably we move through the sadness into a glimmer of light. Hope will return as surely as dawn gives way to a new day.
A Quick Guide to Rx for Grief and Depression