Heal, Help, And Comfort; Just Do The Next Right Thing

I wonder what we have learned and how we are changing as the pandemic morphs into the next phase.

The toll taken and then demonstrated on charts seems to indicate that maybe we are bending the curve as they say. Many of us have become restless and still more have lives turned upside down. So now what? Some people are wearing masks and some will not. Some are maintaining social distance while others flock together. Some are sheltering in place and many are going about as if nothing is wrong. We cannot afford a Pollyanna attitude at this phase of recovery. There are still problems facing us and they require a grassroots effort if we want to come out of this tragedy for-the-better. Federal, State, and Local Government can only do so much. The bulk of the responsibility lies with each of us.

There are three things all of us can do...Heal, Help, and Comfort. It’s possible for us just do the next right thing...and then the next...and so on.

• Heal; Before we can do anything to be useful to others, it is urgently necessary to make sure we are healthy. Taking of body temperature frequently, getting tested if there any suspicious symptoms, and maintaining good daily wellness routines are best practices. Just like they tell us on airplanes about emergency oxygen masks; take care of yourself first. But sadly, people are letting go of personal safety habits developed during the shelter in place time. As those businesses and leisure venues begin to reopen there are too many folks no longer taking safety measures seriously…throwing good common sense to the wind. We cannot afford to stop trying to mitigate the spread of this disease because it's just not over yet. We depend on each other to protect our wellbeing through personal responsibility and kindness.

• Help; The hand we extend to others might be the only one offered today. Economic fallout over the past three months has been calamitous, especially for those on the margins. Millions are going hungry every day as demonstrated by endless lines at food pickup points. When a problem is as considerable as this one, it's hard to know what to do. Calling up an elderly neighbor to see what things are needed is a good start. If your own resources are low, the call to check in can be every bit as helpful. Donate to local food banks. All we have to do is think creatively, roll up our sleeves, and reach out.

• Comfort; Compassion has no price tag. People are suffering significant losses and need to hear words of oneness and solidarity. Perhaps the only thing harder is the loneliness than goes along with it. The National Institute of Mental Health is warning that nearly half of Americans report the coronavirus crisis is harming their mental health. Experts worry that just as hospitals were unprepared for a tsunami of patients, just as vulnerable is the underfunded mental health system. Historic numbers of those experiencing depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicide are already beginning to overload resources. The words we speak, cards sent, and support given can make all the difference when someone is feeling the dark emptiness of grief.

"Maybe I have been living much too fast, too feverishly, forgetting to pay attention to what is happening here and now, right under my nose." ~ Henri Nouwen

The 2019-2020 pandemic reminds me that a simple formula for navigating daily life is "just do the next right thing.” My rather extensive psychological training left me feeling that human beings were very complicated. Of course, we are to one degree or another. But, steeped in a mire of my own trials and entanglements, I lost track of how to manage my own affairs. The damage inflicted on myself and my loved ones was extensive. Wreckage of disastrous proportions was strewn everywhere. Luckily, I got the help I needed before all was lost. During a mental health/spiritual retreat of 2000 I found several mentors to lead me back into the light, but one stands out for his simple directions. I found myself sitting in front of his desk feeling more like a 12 year old boy than a 49 year old man. My words spilled out for several minutes as he listened patiently. The barbs and foibles, miscues and mistakes, lies and disguises were all summed up in a blubbering mass of my emotion. His response was heartfelt and brief. He said “Forgive yourself. Just go out and do the next right thing” That was it. No lecture, no judgment, no pontificating over my dilemma. Nothing has really been the same ever since.

So there it is. Just go out and do the next right thing. Heal, help and comfort. Shower the people with love. That's not so hard, is it?

2020 Vision of Mother's Day

The annual celebration of Mothers has come again. I have written several columns over the years about the one-of-a-kind love they give us.

The bond we share with the woman who gave us our first breath is greater than any other we will experience in life. Regardless, most of us spend a good deal of time trying to separate and set boundaries with our mothers. That could be because they seem to so gleefully relish nosing around in our business…offering unsolicited advice despite any resistance we might offer.

We might think of ourselves as adults or even as their adult children, but they don't see it that way at all. To them we are just five year olds in bigger clothing. With all of that (oft failed) limit setting in mind mothers usually aren't fully appreciated until we don't have them any more. Holidays and special occasions are never the same after they’re gone. And there is nobody to call when our knees or egos get skinned.

This Mother's Day is much like the past 32 that have come and gone without my Mom. But it's different too. We've been in quarantine for fifty-odd days and I would like nothing more than to hear Mother's voice assuring me that all will be well. I know that is true, but she’s the one I would believe in the bottom of my heart. Her life story of resilience is the gift she left to cheer me on in place of those words of encouragement, loving arms, and kisses so freely offered.

“The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads -none of us ever got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of - unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn't get enough.” ~ Mitch Albom

It’s not easy to be grateful when life seems overwhelmingly unfair.  I have been around people who have pulled it off none-the-less but none more bravely than Mom.  Her load in life was heavy. She married young to a wonderful guy who was charming, intelligent and athletic.  They had a beautiful son, Jack, and life seemed full of promise. 

Then, without warning Edgar, the love of her life, was taken away by a virus leaving her a widow and single mother.  She met and married my Dad several years later. While while he was overseas fighting in World War II she gave birth to their little girl, Mary Kathryn.  Mary K died of brain cancer five years later. There were good times that followed. I was born. My folks prospered. Then, in 1975, my Dad died with ALS. Jack died in 1978 by his own hand.  Mother had every reason to be filled with sadness.  Sometimes she was overcome by it but always found ways to bounce back. She chose to be happy.  Her celebrations were lavish and fun.  Kathryn is remembered by friends and family with one word proclaimed over and over. Grace. She taught us that this is how life works when we choose happiness over melancholy.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." ~ John Lennon

I wish that Mom could have been spared the intensity of anguish in her life. I wish that I could have been a better son. That's the way it is for most of us. If only we had been more attentive and understanding. We become orphans at some point with no parent to correct our path and we yearn for mothering.

We would love to hear the words of our childhood from a mother who says “Don’t worry honey. Everything will be okay.”

Those words still resonate in our lives. They are bread for the journey. They offer a perspective of promise that we can always tap. Thanks Mom. I know. It’ll be fine.

Grief and Loss; Helping Others Cope

The time comes when those who we love and care about suffer significant losses.  It is important to remember that death doesn't have a corner on the market when it comes to grief and grieving.  Each season of life brings change. And with every change, there is some element of loss. We are needed at these times as well as when a loved one passes on. Some of those life losses are:

• Retirement
• Birth of a Child
• Empty nest scaling down
• Losing a job
• Divorce
• Natural disasters
• Personal injury or health issue
• Financial problems

“Major life changes, even if they are for the best, can still leave a hole in your heart.” ~ Michelle Carlstrom

Of course, we want to provide comfort or give support to our family and friends. But it can be difficult to know what actions would be best when reaching out. While pondering what to do, I propose the following two things as top priorities:

Thing One: Be there. Your first and foremost responsibility is to show up when you live nearby.  There is no reason for a call to announce your coming. If nobody is at home, leave a note at the front door saying you stopped by and that you'll be back later in the day.  You don't have to bring anything but yourself when you do connect.  Sit down with the person and listen.  Touch a shoulder, pat a hand and keep your advice to yourself. For those who live far away, make the phone call and listen, listen, listen. 

Thing Two: Commit. After your initial contact, construct a plan for helping.  It is not necessary to ask for approval from anyone.  If what you are doing is unwanted you'll find out.  Keep it simple and promise yourself to do things beyond the immediate time of loss.  Cook some meals and freeze some more.  Clean up the kitchen. Help pack bags or boxes. Get several 'Thinking of You' cards and send them over a period of weeks.  Take your loved one out to a movie. Have them over for drinks.  Send little care packages if you aren't able to come in person...and keep calling on the phone.

Sometimes good intentions can cause damage.  Mostly it's not so much what we do that hurts...it's what we say or what we fail to do.  The effects of poorly phrased sentiments or unwanted advice can permanently affect a relationship. With that in mind, the following suggestions might be useful.

Five Don't Do's When Trying to Help

1. Don't Minimize. I will never forget being at the funeral of a sixteen year old girl who died in an automobile accident.  A caring neighbor told the mother that she was so fortunate to have the love of her two remaining children.  Minimizing the loss of others does absolutely nothing but offend.
2. Don't Offer. Obviously you should never offer something that you cannot deliver.  But the best practice is not to offer at all.  If you want to do something to help just do it.  Never, EVER, say; "If there is anything I can do, just let me know."
3. Don't Give Perspective. Telling a person who is suffering from a significant loss that life will get better is just careless and cruel.  They may be sure that things can't get much worse, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is something that will happen for them in their own time.  They hardly need your view from the mountaintop.
4. Don't Use Condolence Platitudes. Nobody really wants to hear the words, "I'm so sorry for your loss".  It's not about you.  Greet the person, hug, tell them you love them. Avoid phrases like "You are in my thoughts and prayers." Send a prayer card or light a candle. NEVER say that God has a plan. The person is probably not very happy with God when grieving their loss.  In other words...use less words altogether.
5. Don't Stop Coming. Lots of people show up at the time of loss.  Then, a week or so later nobody is there.  This is when you step back in.  There is no time limit to grief.  If you think your loved one is still aching, keep coming by.  A text message or phone call is never as healing as your physical presence.

There is nobody who can comfort and support better than you.  Your strength is in sharing your time and love. Our uniquely individual healing hearts, hands, and ears are exactly what is needed when things get tough.