Heal, Help, And Comfort; Just Do The Next Right Thing

I wonder what we have learned and how we are changing as the pandemic morphs into the next phase.

The toll taken and then demonstrated on charts seems to indicate that maybe we are bending the curve as they say. Many of us have become restless and still more have lives turned upside down. So now what? Some people are wearing masks and some will not. Some are maintaining social distance while others flock together. Some are sheltering in place and many are going about as if nothing is wrong. We cannot afford a Pollyanna attitude at this phase of recovery. There are still problems facing us and they require a grassroots effort if we want to come out of this tragedy for-the-better. Federal, State, and Local Government can only do so much. The bulk of the responsibility lies with each of us.

There are three things all of us can do...Heal, Help, and Comfort. It’s possible for us just do the next right thing...and then the next...and so on.

• Heal; Before we can do anything to be useful to others, it is urgently necessary to make sure we are healthy. Taking of body temperature frequently, getting tested if there any suspicious symptoms, and maintaining good daily wellness routines are best practices. Just like they tell us on airplanes about emergency oxygen masks; take care of yourself first. But sadly, people are letting go of personal safety habits developed during the shelter in place time. As those businesses and leisure venues begin to reopen there are too many folks no longer taking safety measures seriously…throwing good common sense to the wind. We cannot afford to stop trying to mitigate the spread of this disease because it's just not over yet. We depend on each other to protect our wellbeing through personal responsibility and kindness.

• Help; The hand we extend to others might be the only one offered today. Economic fallout over the past three months has been calamitous, especially for those on the margins. Millions are going hungry every day as demonstrated by endless lines at food pickup points. When a problem is as considerable as this one, it's hard to know what to do. Calling up an elderly neighbor to see what things are needed is a good start. If your own resources are low, the call to check in can be every bit as helpful. Donate to local food banks. All we have to do is think creatively, roll up our sleeves, and reach out.

• Comfort; Compassion has no price tag. People are suffering significant losses and need to hear words of oneness and solidarity. Perhaps the only thing harder is the loneliness than goes along with it. The National Institute of Mental Health is warning that nearly half of Americans report the coronavirus crisis is harming their mental health. Experts worry that just as hospitals were unprepared for a tsunami of patients, just as vulnerable is the underfunded mental health system. Historic numbers of those experiencing depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicide are already beginning to overload resources. The words we speak, cards sent, and support given can make all the difference when someone is feeling the dark emptiness of grief.

"Maybe I have been living much too fast, too feverishly, forgetting to pay attention to what is happening here and now, right under my nose." ~ Henri Nouwen

The 2019-2020 pandemic reminds me that a simple formula for navigating daily life is "just do the next right thing.” My rather extensive psychological training left me feeling that human beings were very complicated. Of course, we are to one degree or another. But, steeped in a mire of my own trials and entanglements, I lost track of how to manage my own affairs. The damage inflicted on myself and my loved ones was extensive. Wreckage of disastrous proportions was strewn everywhere. Luckily, I got the help I needed before all was lost. During a mental health/spiritual retreat of 2000 I found several mentors to lead me back into the light, but one stands out for his simple directions. I found myself sitting in front of his desk feeling more like a 12 year old boy than a 49 year old man. My words spilled out for several minutes as he listened patiently. The barbs and foibles, miscues and mistakes, lies and disguises were all summed up in a blubbering mass of my emotion. His response was heartfelt and brief. He said “Forgive yourself. Just go out and do the next right thing” That was it. No lecture, no judgment, no pontificating over my dilemma. Nothing has really been the same ever since.

So there it is. Just go out and do the next right thing. Heal, help and comfort. Shower the people with love. That's not so hard, is it?

A Time For Encouragement; What the World Needs Now

I was reminded by a friend that September 12 has been designated as a National Day of Encouragement.

It took a group of high school students to come up with this idea more than a decade ago. They identified a lack of encouragement as the biggest problem facing them. First, the governor of Arkansas and later the United States Senate recognized the wisdom of these young people by proclaiming an annual observation to uplift one another by reaching out a hand of compassion and friendship.

As simply stated by the teenagers who got this movement started, "Encouragement Matters." The date chosen was no coincidence. Following our remembrance of 9/11 each year with a day of encouragement is quite fitting. We certainly needed something like that. Right now, it seems like every day should be dedicated to such an important endeavor.

We can do so much better. If only we could begin to see one another as God sees us. The prevalent urge to judge and condemn leaves in its wake a deep and lasting loneliness. It is evidenced in rising suicide rates among kids and cops. It fuels the addiction epidemic. I have been working with a young man who is suffering a dark night of the soul. He told me that he has made grave mistakes and failed over and over to do better. Now he is certain that nobody could ever believe in him again. People have even told him this is true.

So, he isolates at home in his room touched by no one. The only light that shines comes from a computer screen. My job is to help him discover the fact that despite everything, he is loved. It will take other hands reaching out and encouraging him forward for his life to regain meaning.

There is a wonderful tune from the musical, Dear Evan Hansen called “You Will Be Found”. The theatrical production has swept Broadway and is now touring the country. It deals with feelings of abandonment, forgottenness, and hope through the loving intercession of friends. The lyrics of the song are inspiring. They offer encouragement so longed for by those who seem lost.

Even when the dark comes crashing through

When you need a friend to carry you

And when you're broken on the ground

You will be found.

Fr. Gregory Boyle, who works with and loves gang members says that; "Nothing can move the dial on God's love for us. After all, that is already fixed at its highest setting." God's gaze is filled with infinite tenderness and mercy. When we grasp just a smidgeon of this reality it becomes possible to envision and encourage the goodness in every person we encounter. We can lift each other out of our despair. I guarantee this as the outcome…The world will be a better place.

Grief and Loss; Helping Others Cope

The time comes when those who we love and care about suffer significant losses.  It is important to remember that death doesn't have a corner on the market when it comes to grief and grieving.  Each season of life brings change. And with every change, there is some element of loss. We are needed at these times as well as when a loved one passes on. Some of those life losses are:

• Retirement
• Birth of a Child
• Empty nest scaling down
• Losing a job
• Divorce
• Natural disasters
• Personal injury or health issue
• Financial problems

“Major life changes, even if they are for the best, can still leave a hole in your heart.” ~ Michelle Carlstrom

Of course, we want to provide comfort or give support to our family and friends. But it can be difficult to know what actions would be best when reaching out. While pondering what to do, I propose the following two things as top priorities:

Thing One: Be there. Your first and foremost responsibility is to show up when you live nearby.  There is no reason for a call to announce your coming. If nobody is at home, leave a note at the front door saying you stopped by and that you'll be back later in the day.  You don't have to bring anything but yourself when you do connect.  Sit down with the person and listen.  Touch a shoulder, pat a hand and keep your advice to yourself. For those who live far away, make the phone call and listen, listen, listen. 

Thing Two: Commit. After your initial contact, construct a plan for helping.  It is not necessary to ask for approval from anyone.  If what you are doing is unwanted you'll find out.  Keep it simple and promise yourself to do things beyond the immediate time of loss.  Cook some meals and freeze some more.  Clean up the kitchen. Help pack bags or boxes. Get several 'Thinking of You' cards and send them over a period of weeks.  Take your loved one out to a movie. Have them over for drinks.  Send little care packages if you aren't able to come in person...and keep calling on the phone.

Sometimes good intentions can cause damage.  Mostly it's not so much what we do that hurts...it's what we say or what we fail to do.  The effects of poorly phrased sentiments or unwanted advice can permanently affect a relationship. With that in mind, the following suggestions might be useful.

Five Don't Do's When Trying to Help

1. Don't Minimize. I will never forget being at the funeral of a sixteen year old girl who died in an automobile accident.  A caring neighbor told the mother that she was so fortunate to have the love of her two remaining children.  Minimizing the loss of others does absolutely nothing but offend.
2. Don't Offer. Obviously you should never offer something that you cannot deliver.  But the best practice is not to offer at all.  If you want to do something to help just do it.  Never, EVER, say; "If there is anything I can do, just let me know."
3. Don't Give Perspective. Telling a person who is suffering from a significant loss that life will get better is just careless and cruel.  They may be sure that things can't get much worse, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is something that will happen for them in their own time.  They hardly need your view from the mountaintop.
4. Don't Use Condolence Platitudes. Nobody really wants to hear the words, "I'm so sorry for your loss".  It's not about you.  Greet the person, hug, tell them you love them. Avoid phrases like "You are in my thoughts and prayers." Send a prayer card or light a candle. NEVER say that God has a plan. The person is probably not very happy with God when grieving their loss.  In other words...use less words altogether.
5. Don't Stop Coming. Lots of people show up at the time of loss.  Then, a week or so later nobody is there.  This is when you step back in.  There is no time limit to grief.  If you think your loved one is still aching, keep coming by.  A text message or phone call is never as healing as your physical presence.

There is nobody who can comfort and support better than you.  Your strength is in sharing your time and love. Our uniquely individual healing hearts, hands, and ears are exactly what is needed when things get tough.  

With Gold Dust at My Feet

“Grab your coat, and get your hat, leave yourworry on the doorstep.  Just direct yourfeet, to the sunny side of the street.” ~ Dorothy Fields

The lyrics from ‘On the Sunny Side of the Street’ were composed by Jimmy McHugh with lyrics by Dorothy Fields in 1930 as the world was plunging into the Great Depression.  The words gave hope and were heard across the country for years.  The song became a jazz and big band standard.  It is widely believed that the stock market crash of 1929 was a symptom of deeper and more systemic problems than the events leading up to the epic day it all tanked in September.  The nation certainly did not leave worries on the doorstep.  Instead, we entered into a period of isolationism which included punitive tariffs.  The result was catastrophic.

Lessons of the Great Depression and theoptimism of ‘On the Sunny Side of the Street’ are available to each of us inour own struggles.  Hard times come andthey also go.  We can choose to isolate,withdraw, protect ourselves at the expense of others and hide with our head in thesand, or we can choose to connect with families, friends and the community.  We can absolutely find ways to help oneanother, and persist with an optimistic ‘Can-Do’ attitude.  Of course, no good comes from ignoring theproblems that we have.  Things areresolved by taking a positive approach toward solutions.  But we need each other to make ithappen.  Let’s reach out and lend a hand.

“No pessimist ever discovered the secret ofthe stars, or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the humanspirit.” ~ Helen Keller

The Healing Heart of Compassion

“When we experience the healing presence of another person, we can discover our own gifts of healing. Then our wounds allow us to enter into a deep solidarity with our wounded brothers and sisters.” ~ Henri Nouwen

Compassion is the ability to suffer-with those who are wounded. True compassion brings with it the gift of healing only because of the mutual experience of our own wounds, our own suffering, and our own healing. It is a sharing of our own brokenness in solidarity with those who are struggling, grieving and floundering. It is about making ourselves vulnerable in order to provide a source of comfort.Giving advice is a lot easier than offering compassion. Helping to find solutions for the problems of others requires little effort. It is even easier to find a cure. When the person we are trying to help doesn’t follow our advice or chooses another solution we can shake the dust off, shrug our shoulders and walk away. Our inner voice says; ‘Well, at least I tried!’Those who offer compassion know how to show up. They do not come with superpowers but with shared brokenness. They show up with an understanding heart free from judgment. They do not hide their scars for they are visible proof that wounds heal. Hand in hand, we shall overcome. Heart to heart, we can save each other…and by so doing will, as Michael Jackson sang, Heal the World. We will be doing God’s work.

"Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." ~ Pema Chödrön

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Sometimes the Runner Stumbles

"Deep down we know that what matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win, too, even if it means slowing down and changing our course now and then." ~ Mr. Rogers

One of my favorite movies was the 1981 classic Chariots of Fire.  It was a story of faith and dedication to the pursuit of our passion.  It also dealt with overcoming the expectations and negative perspective of detractors.It gave me the sense that following my dreams was more important than the opinions of others.  It also led me to an understanding that ‘sometimes the runner stumbles’.  We don’t get it right all of the time.  We fall to the ground in dejection.  We feel like giving in or giving up.  But if we ask for help and get back up we will find that there are always resources enough to carry on.Great things begin to happen when we grasp the idea that it is our mission to be passionately engaged with one another.  It is of the highest priority.  My wife was a teacher of Special Education who was actively engaged in Special Olympics.There is a story that circulates quite frequently about that great program, founded by Eunice Kennedy Shriver.  It seems that nine contestants had signed up for the hundred yard dash one year at an Olympic site.  They lined up and took off at the sound of the starter pistol.  One of the little boys didn’t get very far before stumbling and falling.His knee was skinned and he started to cry. The other eight kids heard him, and rather than running ahead, turned around, and ran back to him.  All eight of them went back!  The boy got up, his friends linked their arms together and joyfully walked to the finish line.  They all completed the race at the same time to the roar of the crowd, cheers, and whistles.  The celebration went on for a long time.We are reminded that when we help the one who stumbles and lock arms in solidarity with God that the words of the prophets are fulfilled;‘We will regain our strength.  We will sprout wings like eagles.  Though we run we will not grow weary.  Though we walk we will never tire’.Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

A Little Help From My Friends

“Enveloped in Your Light, may I be a beacon to those in search of Light. Sheltered in Your Peace, may I offer shelter to those in need of peace. Embraced by Your Presence, so may I be present to others.” ~ Rabbi Rami Shapiro

The life we live contains day and night, light and darkness.  We cannot have one without the other. 

This is no startling revelation.  Most of the time we can make it through the dark times, knowing full well they will pass.  But then there are those times when it seems the light will never shine again.  It feels as if we have dropped into a black hole, suspended in mid-air, and nothing will dispel our sadness and grief.

We become desperate and despondent.  We sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness.  Our eyes strain for some glimmer.  It is then that the one who carries a candle appears.  He comes to our side with words of encouragement and shows us the way to safety.  Soon dawn will come and night gives way to day.

“Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.” ~ Desiderius Erasmus

Our responsibility is to become the one who carries light in the darkness.  When we have been rescued, it is our job to become a rescuer.  When we have been saved, we are obligated to bring saving grace.  It is far too easy to dust ourselves off, utter some words of gratitude and run along.

Experiences of great trouble and subsequent redemption are not to be wasted by simply maintaining the status quo.  There is no purpose to having survived and thrived if all we do is carry on.  Plenty of other people are suffering the same things we suffered.  We are called to light another candle and bring it to someone who is crying in the darkness.