Heal, Help, And Comfort; Just Do The Next Right Thing

I wonder what we have learned and how we are changing as the pandemic morphs into the next phase.

The toll taken and then demonstrated on charts seems to indicate that maybe we are bending the curve as they say. Many of us have become restless and still more have lives turned upside down. So now what? Some people are wearing masks and some will not. Some are maintaining social distance while others flock together. Some are sheltering in place and many are going about as if nothing is wrong. We cannot afford a Pollyanna attitude at this phase of recovery. There are still problems facing us and they require a grassroots effort if we want to come out of this tragedy for-the-better. Federal, State, and Local Government can only do so much. The bulk of the responsibility lies with each of us.

There are three things all of us can do...Heal, Help, and Comfort. It’s possible for us just do the next right thing...and then the next...and so on.

• Heal; Before we can do anything to be useful to others, it is urgently necessary to make sure we are healthy. Taking of body temperature frequently, getting tested if there any suspicious symptoms, and maintaining good daily wellness routines are best practices. Just like they tell us on airplanes about emergency oxygen masks; take care of yourself first. But sadly, people are letting go of personal safety habits developed during the shelter in place time. As those businesses and leisure venues begin to reopen there are too many folks no longer taking safety measures seriously…throwing good common sense to the wind. We cannot afford to stop trying to mitigate the spread of this disease because it's just not over yet. We depend on each other to protect our wellbeing through personal responsibility and kindness.

• Help; The hand we extend to others might be the only one offered today. Economic fallout over the past three months has been calamitous, especially for those on the margins. Millions are going hungry every day as demonstrated by endless lines at food pickup points. When a problem is as considerable as this one, it's hard to know what to do. Calling up an elderly neighbor to see what things are needed is a good start. If your own resources are low, the call to check in can be every bit as helpful. Donate to local food banks. All we have to do is think creatively, roll up our sleeves, and reach out.

• Comfort; Compassion has no price tag. People are suffering significant losses and need to hear words of oneness and solidarity. Perhaps the only thing harder is the loneliness than goes along with it. The National Institute of Mental Health is warning that nearly half of Americans report the coronavirus crisis is harming their mental health. Experts worry that just as hospitals were unprepared for a tsunami of patients, just as vulnerable is the underfunded mental health system. Historic numbers of those experiencing depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicide are already beginning to overload resources. The words we speak, cards sent, and support given can make all the difference when someone is feeling the dark emptiness of grief.

"Maybe I have been living much too fast, too feverishly, forgetting to pay attention to what is happening here and now, right under my nose." ~ Henri Nouwen

The 2019-2020 pandemic reminds me that a simple formula for navigating daily life is "just do the next right thing.” My rather extensive psychological training left me feeling that human beings were very complicated. Of course, we are to one degree or another. But, steeped in a mire of my own trials and entanglements, I lost track of how to manage my own affairs. The damage inflicted on myself and my loved ones was extensive. Wreckage of disastrous proportions was strewn everywhere. Luckily, I got the help I needed before all was lost. During a mental health/spiritual retreat of 2000 I found several mentors to lead me back into the light, but one stands out for his simple directions. I found myself sitting in front of his desk feeling more like a 12 year old boy than a 49 year old man. My words spilled out for several minutes as he listened patiently. The barbs and foibles, miscues and mistakes, lies and disguises were all summed up in a blubbering mass of my emotion. His response was heartfelt and brief. He said “Forgive yourself. Just go out and do the next right thing” That was it. No lecture, no judgment, no pontificating over my dilemma. Nothing has really been the same ever since.

So there it is. Just go out and do the next right thing. Heal, help and comfort. Shower the people with love. That's not so hard, is it?

Grief and Vulnerability; So Hard to Go There

Someone once told me that vulnerability is what we most want to see in others and least want to be seen in ourselves. Becoming vulnerable can be one of the most difficult and uncomfortable experiences. Exposure of secrets, mistakes, flaws, and sins leave a person open to scrutiny which is hard to bear. We seem to be set up for all kinds of personal loss. Reputations painstakingly built up over long periods of time are rendered precarious or come crashing down in unmendable pieces. The grief which follows is almost impossible to bear.

We live in an age where it is increasingly difficult or even impossible to escape from who we are.  Rabbi Moshe Scheiner recently taught that suicide rates are increasing in adults partly due to the dynamic of transparency created by instant background checks on the internet.  Good names are destroyed every day. Children who suffer the loss of character due to perceptions of peers, bullying and cyber victimization can feel so trapped and hopeless that they consider or commit suicide. Becoming vulnerable can create the deepest feelings of shame when those whom we trust wound us. 

When we are grieving we become vulnerable.  In fact, it has been said that grief and vulnerability go together hand-in-hand.  Either can come first but neither walk alone. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin word vulnera which means to wound.  In our most wounded times, we are laid bare.  Lost is our stature and resolve.  No longer can we appear strong and self-reliant.  Our pain is visible to everyone. This begs a rather obvious solution.  Just never allow yourself to become vulnerable and then the grief would remain private. manageable, and controlled.  Voilà. Unfortunately, there is a horrible downside to that.  If we don't allow vulnerability, we will never experience authentic friendships, belonging, trust, or love. What we all have in common is our brokenness and when the risk of vulnerability is rejected true connections are impossible. If all of this is true then how could vulnerability and grief be so discouraged in our society? I guess because it is just so hard to go there.

Ivan the Terrible and His Son Ivan on 16 November 1581 is a painting by Russian realist artist Ilya Repin made between 1883 and 1885. The picture portrays a grief-stricken Ivan the Terrible cradling his mortally wounded son, the Tsarevich Ivan Ivanovich. The elder Ivan himself is believed to have dealt the fatal blow to his son

Perhaps we could find some answers from Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, author, and popular TED Talk personality. Dr. Brown has made it her mission to explore the power of vulnerability.  She emphases how important it is to dare greatly in order to live life fully and to achieve success. And more can be discovered in the spiritual wisdom of Richard Rohr, founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation who tells us that vulnerability is the path to wholeness and holiness.

In the final analysis, we have to come to the realization that it is not only okay to grieve and to become vulnerable, but it is also necessary.  If we are to heal we must be touched.  The work can never be accomplished alone.  There are big risks associated with all of this to be certain.  But from our perceived weakness will come a new kind of strength. Not the strength of the invulnerable but the strength of love.  For, as scripture tells us, the one who stumbles "shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary," (See Isaiah 40:31).