Simple Advice for Coping with Adversity.

You don't have to look around much to find a hefty supply of adversity nowadays.

But it’s how we meet and overcome it that makes all the difference. The best formula I know of has been passed down for generations in my family. Roy Jones was a lifelong educator whose message to his many descendants about living a balanced and happy life was this; "Don't Worry. Don't Hurry. Don't Hate.”

““Don’t Worry. Don’t Hurry. Don’t Hate.””

There were plenty of hard times, economic depressions, two world wars, and deaths of children that Roy experienced over his long life. It certainly wasn't a cakewalk. This is one of the defining examples of Grandpa’s ability to rise above adversity, My cousin, Ed related a tragic story to us at a recent family gathering.  Ed was only 19 when he found Uncle Paul’s body in his bedroom.  A gun in his hand, our dear uncle had taken his own life. Ed ran to the home of our family doctor who came to the house and pronounced him dead.  Dr. Green said that he would go with Ed to tell our grandfather of the horrible incident.  Grandpa Jones, over 80 years of age, met them at the door and received the bad news.  His tearful response was this; “How could Paul do that? Life is wonderful.”  In the moment of greatest suffering Grandpa could only claim the marvel of God’s generosity and the bounty of a life lived with gratitude. There was simply no value in worry, hurry, or hate.

Though we face some difficult situations right now, I can assure you they won’t hang around forever. Gloom and doom projections will have dissipated like fog on the ocean sunrise. An old friend of mine once said; "Things come to pass, not to stay." He is right of course. The trick of coming out better on the other side is to make a conscious decision every day. Don't Worry. Don't Hurry. Don't Hate. You might be surprised at how well things turn out after all.

For more information about Stress Management: Doing What Matters in Times of Stress: An Illustrated Guide is a stress management guide for coping with adversity.

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Thinking, Passions and Dreams; What to do with a Talking Frog

One day, a man well in to elderhood was strolling on a path near his favorite pond. He heard what sounded like a squeaky voice on the ground and looked down to see a frog who seemed to be moving it's lips as if to communicate. He picked it up and listened closely.

The frog said; "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess."

The man frowned, pondered, and then put the little animal in his pocket.

"Don't you want a beautiful princess?" she asked.

He replied; "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

My cousin, Tom, shared this joke from Rev. Nicholas Vieron the other day and I immediately stole it.  Ripped it off as we used to say. Sorry Tom and Father V. but the theft is part of my shtick today. I'm sure they will forgive me. Men of the cloth have big, forgiving hearts. I don’t think anyone can really own a joke (or even a parable) anyway.  Once told they must be spread around like peanut butter. 

When I was a kid, minor stealing was an offense that resulted in corporal punishment and banishment to your room. One time, at age seven, I put some candy in my pocket without paying for it at the Liberty Market in Danville. My mother found the contraband of course. I was marched back to the store to apologize and beg forgiveness. Then came the long, solitary confinement while I followed the dreaded mandate of “Just wait til your father gets home.” It wasn’t pretty. 

So, it was with great hesitation that I lingered at the bookstore shelves in front of Abbie Hoffman’s paperback “Steal This Book” in 1972. I couldn’t follow those instructions due to prior conditioning, so bought it instead. Imagine how crestfallen I became after reading his assertion that it was immoral not to rip things off from the status quo. What a weak willed activist I was!

My thinking has evolved however. I saw a copy of Abbie’s book on auction the other day and never considered ripping it off. Maybe that could have been a tough thing to do on EBAY. My passions have changed too. Though liberating people from psychological and spiritual bondage has been my dream and life’s work, I have no desire to ‘take it to the streets’. That’s the way it works for most all of us. Thoughts and passions mellow and become something akin to sage wisdom. We need both the young wide-eyed idealists and experienced elders to make the world go round. The problem is that too many of us abandon our dreams somewhere along the way.

With all this in mind, let's go back to that frog in your pocket. Mysterious and miraculous things flourish when fairy tales come to life. They transform reality and open up possibilities. Walt Disney demonstrated how to spread around pixie dust willy-nilly even when circumstances seem most impossible to overcome. He refused to give up or give in despite bankruptcies, professional scorn, and door after door being slammed in his face. But ultimately, with persistence and a little abracadabra, he created for us a mouse and a magic kingdom. By so doing, countless thousands are delighted every day, and millions of lives have been brightened forever.

Though passions and thinking might change over time, they should never be compromised or abandoned to the humdrum. So, kiss a frog, or benefit from its ability to talk. Either way, don't be so self-absorbed that you pass her by in your hurry. Pick her up. Live passionately. Uncle Walt might just give us this advice...If you can dream it, you can do it. All your dreams can come true, when you have the courage to pursue them.

Making the Decision to Carry On

It is more than tempting to give in or give up. There is an alluring quality to quitting the struggle. When all of the headlines point to disaster, chaos, hatred, and division, keeping one’s head in the game and participating actively is hard. Another school shooting. Another political mess. Another war. We become overwhelmed with sadness, strife, and futility. An almost soothing refrain of 'Stop the world, I want to get off' seems to offer relief from all the pain and suffering.

“You don’t give in or give up because your determination may be all that is needed to change the world.”

The dramatic rise of suicide in young people (the number two cause of death in people between the ages of 10-24) or among police officers and firefighters (who are more likely to die at their own hands than in the line of duty) tells this awful tale of despair. To think that so many of our children and our public servant heroes are at the end of their ropes is heartbreaking. So why not just quit? The answer is as old as humankind. You don't give in or give up because your determination may be all that is needed to change the world. Your contribution and your love is the key to our future. Believe it or not.

The stories told in sacred texts by all religions and those of ancient mythology have endured forever because they tell us how to live. Their metaphors help us find our way. One that is a touchstone for me is contained in Homer's Odyssey. When it comes to resisting the urge to give in or give up, his tale of Odysseus and the Sirens is one of the best. It is told that Odysseus makes the tough decision to take a long and dangerous journey across the ocean for home.

Sirens Song from Odysseus

His lover, Circe, tells him of the encounter he must have with three beautiful creatures known as Sirens who lure all ships onto nearby rocks with their totally irresistible and seductive songs. No sailor survives them "for they sit in a green field and warble him to death with the sweetness of their song.” Odysseus heeds the warning and orders his men to put beeswax in their ears so they won't be killed by the treachery. But he chooses to have himself strapped to the mast of the ship so that he can hear the songs while not being drawn to certain death. He does so and is unharmed. But the most compelling part is that unknown to Odysseus, the Sirens were destined to die if anyone would hear them and live to tell about it. When Odysseus survived they hurled themselves into the sea and never tempted or devastated human beings again.

I've been fortunate to see this story play out in real life dozens of times. A couple of years ago I wrote about a boy who was an Odysseus himself in my column for ChaplainUSA.org entitled 'Kids For Sale'. One of the boys I counseled was fourteen-year-old Tony (not his real name of course). He was a charming, handsome, manipulative youngster who was the ringleader of the dozen or so others who were being trafficked by the trick or by the hour. He was from Ohio and had been molested by a step-father. He ran away to warm weather on a bus bound for Fort Lauderdale and it was only a matter of minutes before he was recognized as a viable product by a man who sold boys and girls to tourists.

Ultimately, he escaped to Covenant House. Tony told me that over 100 men had abused him in only a few weeks. He had become addicted to cocaine, alcohol, and heroin and soon realized that he would survive longer ‘running his own show’ earning $40 - $60 a trick making $200 or more a night. He fully understood that the average street kid survived for less than two years succumbing to addiction, STD’s or suicide.

When I left Fort Lauderdale there was no doubt in my mind that Tony would not live long. Years later, as director of a treatment facility, a new patient saw me, did a double-take, and stuck his head in my door. “Don’t I know you?” He asked. We chatted for a minute trying to figure out the connection when he asked me if I had ever been to Covenant House in Fort Lauderdale. I replied that I had. He looked at me hard and said, “You are Father Bob!”

That was the name the kids had given me so many years before. He cried; “It’s me. Tony.” He had lived and somehow transcended the streets. Tony went on to tell his story of heading back to Ohio, confronting his demons, seeking methadone treatment, and moving on. He had a wife, two children and a thriving EBAY resale business of baseball cards, memorabilia, furniture…anything but himself. His triumph over the Sirens of giving in and giving up continues to give me hope.

The message of Odysseus is clear. So is Tony's. Job in the Old Testament gives it a good spin as well. And the modern-day storyteller/musician, Tom Petty doesn't mince words with us in his tune I Won’t Back Down when he says 'there ain't no easy way out, so I'll stand my ground and I won't back down'.

When we resist the Sirens who try compelling us to give in and give up by participating despite their promises of relief something remarkable happens. Our decision to carry on, to exist, persist, endure and overcome will defeat them every time. Then nothing, absolutely nothing, will be able to drag us down.

Never Numbing Out; Overcome and Carry On

This is the first of four follow-up articles on the many facets of fear including a four-part Interview/Special Report with Rabbi Moshe Scheiner of Palm Beach Synagogue.

After I wrote about the paralysis of fear, its' numbing effects, and resultant feelings of powerlessness, it was pointed out to me that there was another, more intentional, response to fear beyond freeze, fight, and flight.  That response is loving persistence or courageous non-violence. It is evidenced in the Sermon on the Mount, as Jesus called for his followers when confronted by fear and violence to turn the other cheek.  This was not an instruction of pacifism.  Turning the other cheek was about demanding equality from a person of authority. This is the most measured and effective action that can be taken when fear, anger, and aggression show up.

Courageous non-violent cheek turners were named by Columbia University's School of Journalism as 2019 Pulitzer Prize winners on Monday, April 15th. One award went to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel for exposing failings by officials before and after the deadly shooting rampage at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Another went to Staff of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for immersive, compassionate coverage of the massacre at Pittsburgh’s Tree of Life synagogue that captured the anguish and resilience of a community thrust into grief.  These journalists stood strong for their communities and for us all in the face of fear and anger.  They exposed the truth and rejected the lure of moving on to other stories.  They refused to numb out.  The parent of a Parkland victim wrote South Florida Sun-Sentinel after Pulitzers were announced encouraging the paper to continue its' work saying there was still much to be done.  He can rest assured that they will carry on.

It takes a lot of guts to persist, to remain steadfast, and to overcome.  A courageous cheek turner must have the resolve of Gandhi, who when confronted by his jailers with threats intended to invoke fear replied; "They may torture my body, break my bones, even kill me. Then they will have my dead body, but not my obedience.” But this is exactly the kind of response which will defeat fear in its' tracks.  We shall overcome. It is the essence of love.  And love refuses to capitulate.  It will not retaliate-in-kind.  It will not run away.  it will not numb out. Love is an action-choice made by the brave soul who finally rejects all notions of self in deference to the greater good.