A Mother's Love

"But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin." ~ Mitch Albom

Our mothers give us life. 

Nurtured and developed as one from our conception to birth, we spend the rest of our time separating.  We yearn for her embrace and reject it over and over.  We bless her for her kindness and protection, and then curse her for embarrassing and smothering us.  We run back to her for kisses yet flee her when we are ‘busy’.

There are so many complications in our relationships.  That same giver of life, however, never gives up on us, never grows truly weary of our bothers and always hopes and prays for us.

I have been given the great blessing of witnessing generations of mothers in my family.  My daughters have given birth to my grandsons and granddaughters.

Five years ago my wife and I went to be with my youngest after the birth of her first child, Jack.  The way she looked down at her little guy with that wondrous frown of delight, her tenderness, soothing words, pleasure in her husband, and hourly sacrifices made me remember her mother.  I see her in her Mama’s arms and something inside of me sees my mom and grandmother doing the same things through the ages.

I have experienced the transformation of my daughter-in-law as she moves from work to home summoning effortlessly the energy and happiness of raising and playing with our two granddaughters in Memphis.  Then I remember playing with my own mother and grandmother on the floor as a little one.

My dear wife mothers her children, her grandchildren, her former students and her wayward husband ceaselessly and I am awed. There is never a day that goes by without her compassionate words of encouragement.

I experienced the passing of my sister-in-law a few years ago.  Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren grieved her loss and celebrated her life together. Her grace remains with each of them as time goes on.

On this Mother’s Day, all of this reminds me that our mothers are truly to be called blessed forever.  The love they give is more than we can ever return. So, today I will pray for all mothers.  I will remember their love that gives us life.

_______________________

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Banner Photo by Randy Rooibaatjie on Unsplash

Our Obligation to Privacy; Offering the Seal of Confidentiality

I woke up a few mornings ago, fumbled for my IPhone to check the ‘urgent’ message flash on its’ screen, and found that Twitter was advising me to protect my privacy.  It seems that a virtual bug of some kind exposed their users to hackers by showing passwords in plain text.

Oh, horror!  I complied quickly...and you should too Mr. President.  Who knows what fake news might be transmitted in your tweets. 

I recovered from my cyber-panic rather quickly as a little chuckle came from my inner Bob.  None of the social media outlets like Twitter, Face Book, Google+, LinkedIn even existed twenty years ago. My privacy worries in 1998 were more concerned with who might see through our windows with the drapes wide open.

The only thing that I can think of which corresponds with current qualms about privacy was when folks dug deep in the early 1950’s to get a private telephone line so that nosey people might not overhear their conversations on less expensive party lines. My maternal grandfather always had a little quip to offer.  When asked how he felt about the lack of privacy on party lines he said; “You shouldn’t go skinny dipping if you’re worried people will see you naked.” That kind of says it all.

Millions of us proudly throw ourselves (wearing-only-a-selfie-smile) into a collective cyber lake showing everyone anything they want to see. Then we gripe about privacy and confidentiality. If transparency is what we want, privacy will be sacrificed. You just can’t have it both ways.

Privacy and Confidentiality; What’s The Difference?

The terms Privacy and Confidentiality are sometimes used interchangeably but there is a distinct difference.  Just about everybody has some desire for freedom from public scrutiny. We want to share information deemed private at varying degrees depending on our own boundaries and need for personal space.  These are the issues surrounding privacy and confidentiality. So, what is the difference?

• Privacy is the right to be let alone in personal matters and limits public access.
• Confidentiality refers to a state where an expectation of trust is established between parties that information/records will be kept secret within the parameters of their informed, expressed, often written, agreement.

In other words, Privacy is about a person and Confidentiality is about information.

Privacy; From Being Available to Being On-Demand

The fourth amendment to the constitution which secures our right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure is also cited as the basis of our right to privacy. But is a real expectation of privacy even possible in the age of technology?  An Op-Ed Piece in the New York Times announced “The End of Privacy” in October 2017.  It reminded me of The Times famous article in January 1966 stating that “God Is Dead.”  We often rush to sensational observations.  Traditional notions of God were changing in the 1960’s and our understanding of Privacy is changing in this era.  We are continually evolving.

Several years ago I accompanied a friend to the porch of an elderly gentleman in the remote mountains of Western North Carolina.  The man’s son asked us to intervene in a rather sensitive family situation.  Mr. Caldwell was nearing 90 and living alone at the cabin in which he had been born.  His wife had died many years earlier.  One of his seven children lived on a section of land nearby, but worried about his aging father.

Mr. Caldwell refused to have a telephone.  When Mathias, the son, contracted with AT&T to install a line, the service man was met at the door with a shotgun aimed at his midsection and orders to “git offa my land”.  My friend and I went over to mediate a couple of days later.  Steve talked to him about how nice it might be to be able to pick up a phone to call Mathias anytime he wanted to say “Hey” and check up on the grandkids.

Mr. Caldwell seemed to agree and thought that would be a really nice convenience.  I asked him if it might be okay to set up another service installation to which Mr. Caldwell said “Hell no!”  I responded that I thought he liked the idea of calling up Mathias.  He responded that it sure might be nice, but on the other hand, Mathias could also call him up anytime he wanted.

The thought of random telephone ringing and family involvement was like an invasion and “an end of peace and serenity.”  Mr. Caldwell died several years later with no telephone but plenty of self-directed privacy.  If Mathias and any of the family ever wanted to make contact with him they just made their way to the house.

Our evolution from Mr. Caldwell’s concept of telephone privacy to cellphones becoming a fifth appendage and being always on-call is dramatic to say the least.  We have to be reminded constantly to silence or turn them off in churches, businesses and theatres.  They are a part of every meal and activity, buzzing and ringing us to respond to a text or pending conversation. We have increasingly accepted and embraced this intrusion.  Now, it seems there are concerns that the devices have become addictive. The average American adult spent about 2 hours and 51 minutes on their smartphone every single day in 2017. So much for privacy as we once knew it.

What I’m getting at here is that even though we have every cause to be alarmed at massive amounts of personal information being hacked from our merchants, healthcare and service providers, we have made a choice to provide easy, on-demand, real time access to all of this data.  There are a number of ways to protect information stored on smartphones by simply restricting privacy and location settings. You don’t have to share everything on social media outlets like Face Book.  You can limit who can see/share your information by deciding who can access it.  Privacy should be honored and respected by corporations and by the techno-world.  Every effort should be made to continually improve safety of information and to foil hackers.  But it is incumbent upon each of us to create our own limits and boundaries as well. Remember what Grandpa said about skinny dipping.

Confidentiality; A Seal of Promise and Trust

Chaplains, Clergy, Attorneys, Social Workers, Substance Abuse Professionals, Therapists and Healthcare Professionals are well instructed in matters of confidentiality.  It has become so important that I have started calling the relationship established as The Seal of Confidentiality (like the Seal of the Confessional known to Roman Catholics). All fifty states, the District of Columbia, and the federal government have enacted statutory privileges providing that at least some communications between clergyman and parishioners are privileged. In United States law, confessional privilege is a rule of evidence that forbids the inquiry into the content or even existence of certain communications between clergy and church members. It grows out of the First Amendment to the Constitution. Common law and statutory enactments may vary from place to place.

The ethical principle of confidentiality requires that information shared with a clergy member, healthcare worker, counselor or therapist in the course of the professional relationship or treatment is not shared with others. This principle promotes an environment of trust and reinforces honest and open disclosure by the client, patient or parishioner. Exceptions to confidentiality exist when it conflicts with the professional's duty to warn or duty to protect. This includes instances of suicidal or homicidal ideation (with plans) as well as child, elder or disabled/dependent adult abuse. All-in-all, there are five generally recognized exceptions to the seal of confidentiality referred to as the Five C’s.

1. Consent; A professional may release confidential information with the consent of the patient or a legally authorized designee (parent, guardian, or medical surrogate).
2. Court Order; Confidential information can be released upon the receipt of an order by a court of competent jurisdiction. A subpoena may not meet the standard for release in many places.
3. Continued Treatment; A clinician may release confidential information necessary for the continued treatment of a patient. This exception is recognized by HIPAA.
4. Comply with the Law; A professional may reveal confidential information in order to comply with mandatory reporting statutes as mentioned above (abuse).
5. Communicate a Threat; This is known as the Tarasoff Exception to confidentiality. It exacts a professional’s duty to protect others from violence from a client/patient.

We must be ever vigilant and serious in our confidentially sealed relationships.  It can be easy to compromise by disclosing information to other interested parties when the situation seems important or worthwhile.

In my role as a Clinical Director at a residential hospital based substance abuse treatment center in North Carolina, I was once faced with the daunting choice of disclosing or not disclosing confidential information to a local chief prosecutor.  The attorney and I had a good working relationship and casual friendship.  One day he called me at my office to inquire about whether a certain fugitive was a patient in our facility.  I responded that due to federal and state confidentiality laws I could not give him that information.  Of course he knew this to be true, but continued to press the matter by saying that he could arrest me for not telling him of the persons whereabouts.

I told him that he was putting me in a situation of obstructing justice (by his definition) on one hand or violating federal statute on the other.  Either way, I was could find myself behind bars. He was angry when I denied his request saying that he would serve the executive director and me with a subpoena.  Then he became furious when I told him that a subpoena was not good enough.  Within thirty minutes the prosecutor showed up at the hospital with his document in hand accompanied by several squad cars and a SWAT team.

They forced their way into the treatment center, practically running over the 140 pound middle aged executive director.  After a search of all the patients, the suspect was finally found hiding in the cafeteria.  Though successful in his endeavor, the prosecutor was fired several weeks later for his violation of federal and state statutes. Neither the director nor I were charged or arrested in the matter. It took a long time to reestablish therapeutic trust with our patients. To say that I take the seal of confidentiality seriously is a gross understatement.

Many of us who serve people in some kind of counseling relationship have established Best Practices that I would recommend to everyone:

• Make sure that any confidentiality forms are properly signed, dated and witnessed according to the requirements of the organization you represent.
• Review the documents thoroughly with the client at least every six months. It is an even better idea to draft a new one if possible.
• Start every session reminding the client of the confidentiality of information he/she is about to disclose.
• Make sure that any kind of disclosure transmitted electronically has a statement of confidentiality attached. Below is a sample of such a statement I use in every email. Feel free to copy it.

Confidentiality Notice

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged, confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. You are only authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message (or any part of it) if you are the named addressee. Please notify the sender immediately either by phone at (your number) or by reply to this e-mail if you have received it in error. Delete all copies of this message if it is not intended for your use.

We All Need Someone in Times of Trouble

Respect for privacy and good confidentiality practices are the basic ingredients of trust which make counseling or other professional relationships work.  Police officers need to be able to turn to Chaplains without worry when they share their vulnerability or grief.  Folks who struggle with addiction have to be able to disclose the things they have done in secret to a trusted therapist knowing that family members will not be told without informed consent.

When we make sure that these policies and procedures are followed to the letter, our clients will feel safe to come to us with the burdens that weigh them down.  Carl Jung went so far as to say that such therapeutic relationships are sacred in nature.  And so they are.  We have been entrusted with the inner lives of those we serve.

Banner Photo by Rafal Jedrzejek on Unsplash

A Little Help From My Friends

“Enveloped in Your Light, may I be a beacon to those in search of Light. Sheltered in Your Peace, may I offer shelter to those in need of peace. Embraced by Your Presence, so may I be present to others.” ~ Rabbi Rami Shapiro

The life we live contains day and night, light and darkness.  We cannot have one without the other. 

This is no startling revelation.  Most of the time we can make it through the dark times, knowing full well they will pass.  But then there are those times when it seems the light will never shine again.  It feels as if we have dropped into a black hole, suspended in mid-air, and nothing will dispel our sadness and grief.

We become desperate and despondent.  We sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness.  Our eyes strain for some glimmer.  It is then that the one who carries a candle appears.  He comes to our side with words of encouragement and shows us the way to safety.  Soon dawn will come and night gives way to day.

“Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.” ~ Desiderius Erasmus

Our responsibility is to become the one who carries light in the darkness.  When we have been rescued, it is our job to become a rescuer.  When we have been saved, we are obligated to bring saving grace.  It is far too easy to dust ourselves off, utter some words of gratitude and run along.

Experiences of great trouble and subsequent redemption are not to be wasted by simply maintaining the status quo.  There is no purpose to having survived and thrived if all we do is carry on.  Plenty of other people are suffering the same things we suffered.  We are called to light another candle and bring it to someone who is crying in the darkness.

Live In This Sacred Moment

“To let the moment teach us, we must allow ourselves to be at least slightly stunned by it until it draws us inward and upward, toward a subtle experience of wonder.” ~ Richard Rohr

All of eternity has been waiting for this moment.  Life has deposited us right here, right now.  We should be filled with wonder and awe.  The secret is to look to this incredible moment for all that you have desired and dreamed.  For these things cannot be held in yesterday’s memories.  Though they may have been fully realized, that bird has flown.They cannot be found in the mist of many tomorrows.  Though they are ripe with promise, they do not yet exist.  Now is the time. Today is the day.  Real promise is unfolding.  Opportunities are presenting themselves.  People are holding out their hands with gifts and offerings.  Everything we ever needed, wanted and anticipated has been awaiting our arrival.

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.” ~ William W. Purkey

The sacred moment is here.  Can we deny the amazing prospects that are open to us?  Sure we can.  But what a waste it would be.  Rise and shine.  The door is open!  Let’s dance through it with a song of joy and hope on our lips.  Now is the time to make Life Wonderful!

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Seeking Humility

“We still need to contend with the original prejudice that some people are important and others don’t count. Our ego clings to self-importance and puts us on a path that draws us further from our soul’s truth. Humility can keep us from moving into this territory.” ~ Fr. Gregory Boyle, S.J.

Humility appears to be in short supply these days.  Posturing for recognition and struggling for praise are constantly on display as people in power shout that one side (our side) is better than the other. This arrogance does not align with any spiritual tradition ever practiced.  No religion has a theology of pretentiousness.The humble Jesus, for example, empties himself for the sake of humankind.  He does not seek validation, nor does he cling to his authority.  He is willing to be mocked and sacrificed rather than accept a position of power over those who would be his enemies.But despite the directives of faith traditions, many of us have made it a mission to elevate ourselves by driving down the ‘others’. The results have not been good.  So where can we find a healthy dose of humility?

"The way of God consists, first, of humility, second, of humility, and third, of humility. No matter how often you would ask me, I would say the same.” ~ Saint Augustine

One place to find humble hope is around addiction recovery circles.  These folks hold a mirror up for us which reflects true humility.  Their very lives depend on complete commitment to humility.  In order to overcome the chronic symptoms of the disease, they open themselves to rigorous self-examination with a personal commitment to honesty.Having experienced long periods of humiliation, there is a deep desire to not go there again. By finding humility in 12 Steps, they discover the life-saving difference between it and humiliation.  They cast aside false pride in favor of kinship and community.  Deadly secrets are disposed of in favor of gentle honesty, transparency and acceptance.  Self-seeking slips away. A friend of mine who attended a 12 Step meeting in support of someone made a statement I’ll never forget.  He said after the session; “That was incredible. I think everyone should go to AA meeting.

There can be no more worries about the perspectives, opinions and attitudes that others might have when we have surrendered to a virtuous life of humility.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Graying of Baby Boomers; Some Challenges of Ageing in the 21st Century

I found myself thinking about aging and the issues facing us as the percentage of our population becomes older every year.  It was a sudden jolt when it came to me that the subject not only concerns me but that it is about me.  I am a member of the generation of people born between 1946 -1964 called The Baby Boomers.

World War Two ended and, as the soldiers and sailors came home to start a new life, we showed up in droves.  The 1968 cult movie “Wild in the Streets” boasted our political strength and societal influence in a song called “52 percent” claiming we were a majority of the world’s population.  Now we are reaching 65 at a rate of 10,000 every day.This statistic is important because as more and more boomers are reaching ‘senior status’ significant challenges face us all. Among them are economic hardships, an overly burdened healthcare system and an alarming rise in elder abuse. But this graying of my generation does not have to be a shipwreck. We all have a role in accepting and embracing a demographic shift that has potential to provide wisdom, perspective and humor to a culture that is moving too fast and which might take itself a little too seriously.

“I knew if I waited around long enough something like this would happen.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Let me add a personal reflection before launching any further into my curated column subject matter.  I have become a student of ageing by receiving on-the-job training.  One of the things I have learned is that Bernard Shaw's famous line alleged to be a musing about death is not inscribed on a tombstone because he was cremated and scattered in his garden around a statue of St. Joan. So, I have adopted it to increase my sense of humor about getting old.  It happens if you hang around long enough.  Body parts are not going to work the way they did ten years ago...or perhaps not even as well as they did yesterday. Getting up off the floor after playing with my dog, Wrigley, has some of the same challenges that running wind sprints had when I was in high school. The mind, who still thinks I'm 20, plays funny little games with me.  One of its' favorite tricks is to erase any memory of why I walked into a room just as I arrive.Simple is not always simple any more when you reach these golden years.  But, beyond the fact that humor is a necessity in accepting and embracing older age, I have discovered that life has a symmetry.Nothing happened by mistake.  Every moment, each event, all of the celebrations and tragedies led me to this moment.  And so, life is sacred.  This is what we are called to impart to the younger ones and to each other.  Chaplains, pastors, counselors and health care providers especially have this important message to pass on. So I will say it one more time...with gusto; Life is sacred.

The Facts and Figures to Absorb As So Much of Society Gets Old

Perhaps the most definitive information was provided to us in a report by the World Health Organization in 2015.  It stated that:

“With advances in medicine helping more people to live longer lives, the number of people over the age of 60 is expected to double by 2050 and will require radical societal change – rising from 900 million in 2015 to 2 billion by 2050…governments must ensure policies that enable older people to continue participating in society and that avoid reinforcing the inequities that often underpin poor health in older age.”

The Census Bureau issued a similar study in 2014 with sobering charts and graphs which indicate far reaching changes is the makeup of our national mix.  And the process is speeding up. They report that declines in fertility and mortality rates are hastening the shift, leading to what are expected to be profound changes for issues ranging from Social Security and health care to education. So there you have it. We won’t be able to discount, delay, deny, and wiggle out of this…or to call it ‘fake news’.  As they say in 12 Step Recovery Groups; “Denial works until it doesn’t.”

We Will Need to Redesign Healthcare and Senior Services

Although an aging population undoubtedly places pressure on policymakers as they seek to stem rising health care costs, insufficient attention has been focused on new approaches designed to improve community-based services, quality of life, and mobility across the life course. Forbes recently called the problems facing our changing demographics as a “defining issue of our time.”As the number of older adults continues to grow, public health professionals will have to find innovative ways to meet the multiple needs of this population, as well as to address the shortage of professionals trained in aging and to help relieve the often overwhelming demands placed on caregivers and family members.Things are starting to happen which make me think solutions will ultimately abound.  Sweden is among the nations that are rising up to meet the short and long term needs of senior citizens.  Public and private sectors are cooperating in an effort to provide housing, quality medical treatment, professional geriatric training, transportation services for its’ graying population.  They are providing an excellent template for the rest of the world. Companies like Google have started to tackle the issues surrounding this.

In 2013 it launched Calico, a new company focused on health and well-being. Chief Executive Larry Page said that Calico will attempt to tackle the universal challenge of aging and related diseases. He went on to declare that; "These issues affect us all -- from the decreased mobility and mental agility that comes with age, to life-threatening diseases that exact a terrible physical and emotional toll on individuals and families. And while this is clearly a longer-term bet, we believe we can make good progress within reasonable time scales with the right goals and the right people." There is always hope when we make a decision to do the right thing. Our policymakers must join the effort before it becomes another fire to put out.

Elder Abuse; A Horrible Symptom Growing in Proportion to Global Graying

It is heartbreaking to see a once active, vibrant, person fall victim to an abuser or abusers when ageing robs them of independence.  I’ve seen my share of it over the years.  Every once in a while the problem hits the headlines.  High-profile elder abuse cases, like that of Mickey Rooney, Casey Kasem, and Brooke Astor, show families fighting for money and power while a formerly adoring public remained clueless. Mickey Rooney was actually denied necessities like food and water while his stepchildren drained his bank account. Abuse can happen to any older person but is most frequently reported as occurring with those who are frail and mentally compromised. The rich are not immune.Perhaps there was a kind of global awakening to the enormous crisis of elder abuse when The United Nations General Assembly designated June 15th as World Elder Abuse Awareness Day. This is to be one day in the year when the whole world voices its opposition to the abuse and suffering inflicted to some of our older generations.  It’s about time!It is incumbent upon Chaplains, Social Workers, Healthcare Providers and other professionals to be attentive and to take action. The World Health Organization tells us that 1 in 6 seniors are victims of various kinds of abuse which include;

• Physical abuse happens when someone causes bodily harm by hitting, pushing, or slapping.

• Emotional/Psychological abuse, can include a caregiver saying hurtful words, yelling, threatening, or repeatedly ignoring the older person. Keeping that person from seeing close friends and relatives is another form of emotional abuse.

• Financial abuse, happens when money or belongings are stolen. It can include forging checks, taking someone else's retirement and Social Security benefits, or using another person's credit cards and bank accounts. It also includes changing names on a will, bank account, life insurance policy, or title to a house without permission from the older person.

• Neglect occurs when the caregiver does not try to respond to the older person's needs.

• Abandonment is leaving a senior alone without planning for his or her care.

• Sexual abuse involves a caregiver forcing an older adult to watch or be part of sexual acts.

• Healthcare fraud can be committed by doctors, hospital staff, and other healthcare workers. It includes overcharging, billing twice for the same service, falsifying Medicaid or Medicare claims, or charging for care that wasn't provided.

What are the warning signs of elder abuse?

• Has trouble sleeping

• Seems depressed or confused

• Loses weight for no reason

• Displays signs of trauma, like rocking back and forth

• Acts agitated or violent

• Becomes withdrawn

• Stops taking part in activities he or she enjoys

• Has unexplained bruises, burns, or scars

• Looks messy, with unwashed hair or dirty clothes

• Develops bed sores or other preventable conditions

• Unexplained, strained or tense relationships; frequent arguments between the caregiver and older adult.

• Sudden changes in financial situations. This abuse costs older Americans $36.5 billion per year.

One more appalling fact…elders who have been abused have a 300% higher risk of death when compared to those who have not been mistreated.I have been a caregiver and it isn’t easy.  When I began researching the topic of the graying of my generation as it concerns elder abuse, I began to feel guilty.  Had I abused my mother or my wife when I was trying to be a good son/husband?  My irresponsible handling of my mother’s assets during her terminal illness caused her to suffer.  My denial of my wife’s inability to do some things during her rehabilitation process probably caused her to feel isolated and misunderstood.  None of this was premeditated or intentional.  I was trying to do my best.  But caring for a loved one involves many stressors which can be damaging to both parties since it is usually a long term challenge. There is a good quiz to measure the level of your caregiver stress.  It has proven to be a big help to many people.I found that it is crucial to ask for and get help.  No matter how stressful your caregiving responsibilities or how bleak your situation seems, there are plenty of things you can do to ease your stress levels, regain your balance, and start to feel positive and hopeful again. The alternative could be to hit a breaking point and fall into abusive behaviors with a loved one.

What the Elderly Have To Offer'

What a waste it would be to allow the elders to become, as David Zahl worries, “The Last, the Least, the Lost, the Little and the Old.” There is so much wisdom to be tapped and so many dusty diamonds to be brushed off.  Boomers are pessimistic about being honored by their children and grandchildren despite what has been called a “gentler generation gap” by Pew Research.After all, we weren’t all that good and uncovering the treasures of our parents Greatest Generation.  I remember a story told by Robert Bly in which he was asked to interview a renowned nuclear scientist from the WWII era.  Robert made a trek up to Maine where the long-retired genius lived.  He began by making an apology to the man saying he was sure that young students had been a continual bother to his serenity.  The old man replied; “I have been here for thirty years.  No one has come.”There is a terrific book by Henry Alford called “How to Live: A Search for Wisdom from Old People (While They Are Still on This Earth).” Alford was moved by the wisdom of his 79 year old mother.  He interviewed her along with people like Harold Bloom, Phyllis Diller as well as a woman who walked across the US at age 89, authors, pastors and others.

He became convinced that older people are indeed wise and have much to offer us. I was fortunate enough to have a grandfather who inspired us to pay attention.  Roy H. Jones was born in 1875 and lived until 1972.  His father was born in 1816.  His two generational wisdom spanning 150 years was freely tapped through his good humor, motto, sayings and philosophy (“Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry and Don’t Hate”).  His family took him seriously.  To this day he is quoted by his many descendants.  We believe that there is a storehouse of riches waiting to be revealed in the lives and stories of the older generations. There are many reasons to listen and seek them out.

Boomers are the newest gatekeepers of great wisdom. And we are waiting. The next time a holiday or special event enables you to gather together with extended family, take the opportunity to make real contact by asking and listening. Spend some time face to face.  All the texting, emailing, FaceBooking, and FaceTiming can take a back seat to the close encounter of a family kind. You may find some information that will give deeper insight into who you really are.  What a gift to be given and to receive. This is what we long to offer.

_________________Banner photo by Phillip LeConte at www.Arkdog.comVideo clip from documentary "The Power of Myth" originally broadcast as six one-hour conversations between mythologist Joseph Campbell (1904–1987) and journalist Bill Moyers.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Tribes; Losing and Rediscovering Kinship in a Time of Widening Polarization

There is a natural inclination for people with similar characteristics and like-mindedness to congregate. We are tribal beings after all.

Our tribes enabled humans to survive hostilities over the eons.  Even the challenges we face today draw us to those of similar status and values. It is in these modern-day tribes that we form comfortable bonds of friendship. Our social networks, business and community groups welcome us.  We are nurtured and provided with a sense of belonging and kinship. Over the past few years, there has been a call from authors and social scientists to ‘find your tribe’ due to increasing isolation in the internet age. But there is a worrisome downside to all of this as well. In his book, The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America Is Tearing Us Apart, Bill Bishop provides a breakdown of how our tribes are making it far less likely for us to consider views different from our own. He points out that when we are surrounded by people who agree with us, our views become more and more resolute and extreme. We tend to denounce those who are different and competing ideas are considered invalid. In tribal extremes, binary or dualistic thinking becomes dominant and inclusivity becomes almost impossible.

Our First Tribes; That Old Gang of Mine

We don’t get to choose our family tribe, but as children move out from the home to school and the community at large, we begin to form attachments, and friendships emerge through play. These relationships influence behavior and we become powerfully motivated to be a part of a peer group.  We form what I call a chosen tribe. My own consisted of neighbor boys, all about seven years of age, and who lived within the confines of a city block.  Our beliefs were dualistic. We determined what was good, bad, moral, evil, acceptable and unacceptable.  Good guys wore white hats.  Americans were moral. Nazi’s and The Imperial Japanese Navy were evil. Protestants were acceptable and those with other religious beliefs unacceptable (and probably going to hell). Our first challenge to ‘us versus them’ binary thinking came when two Roman Catholic kids were admitted to our gang.  We liked them and they were good at baseball. Our parents were okay with it even though we were not allowed to go to their church nor were we invited to ours. This ever so slight shift in the dominant view actually began to open each of us to the prospect of including others. Despite later adolescent fear of being ostracized and rejected for ever-expanding and diversifying our choice of friends, each of the original tribes became young men who accepted and honored differences in others. And it has continued into our middle and old age. Tribes can open us or close us up.

Our Oneness and Common Bonds

So how can any of us embrace uniqueness found in tribes while recognizing, including and honoring diversity and differences? An answer can be found in spiritual and scientific oneness. For example, while fingerprints may point to uniqueness, our DNA connects us to a widening family of people and places beyond our imagination. Jesus challenges his followers through word and personal example to include the poor, the sick, the tax collector, the rich, and the despised into a great banquet feast.  He asks us to love neighbor as self. If we want to make a society work it must be expanded beyond, while not excluding, the tribes that make us feel safe and welcomed. Finding the things that unite us and underscoring our sacred humanity is the key to kinship. But this will require an openness to do so.  Our deep divisions in politics, religion, economics (and seemingly every other facet of life) play out on television and social media every day.

“One thing we know - there is only one God. No man, be he Red man or White man, can be apart. We ARE all brothers after all." ~ Chief Seattle

I was watching an interview with Joseph Campbell by Bill Moyers when I first heard the words of Chief Seattle’s 1855 letter to the U.S. President. Those interviews, called The Power of Myth, were presented on PBS.It was inspiring to hear his wisdom and insight regarding global inclusiveness.  Not that the concept was foreign to me in 1990, but striking how polarized and dualistic we remained 135 years after the letter had been penned.Now, another 28 years has passed and the situation has grown worse in so many ways.  However, I got a promising glimpse of our oneness when watching the funeral service of former First Lady Barbara Pierce Bush on April 21, 2018. I mention her middle name because she is a cousin of President Franklin Pierce, who was the recipient of Chief Seattle’s letter.In attendance at the funeral were the current First Lady and four former Presidents as well as dignitaries from extremes of political and philosophical persuasion.  It occurred to me that perhaps neither time nor our humanity has separated us so much after all. Campbell used to talk about how important it is to have the experience of sacred spaces. Such a sacred space was evident in Houston at the celebration of Mrs. Bush.I could almost hear Joe Campbell reminding us that; “where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; and where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.”

Sacred Spaces and Welcoming Places

There are ways to create these sacred spaces which I believe will connect us to the God of our understanding and widen our scope of oneness with all of creation.  We might not be like Moses who heard his name being called and found a bush which was burning but not consumed by flames in a place that was made holy.  But we can answer God in the spirit of Moses by proclaiming as he did; “Here I am.”The personal experience of disciplined, practiced prayer and meditation is a means by which we can create a sacred space in higher consciousness for listening and connecting within.  It is a way of shutting off the binary, dualistic brain.  Richard Rohr, the Franciscan contemplative teacher says that “The lowest level of consciousness is entirely dualistic (win/lose)—me versus the world and basic survival. Many, I am afraid, never move beyond this. The higher levels of consciousness are more and more able to deal with contradictions, paradoxes, and all Mystery (win/win). This is spiritual maturity.At the higher levels, we can teach things like compassion, mercy, forgiveness, selflessness, even love of enemies. Any good contemplative practice quickly greases the wheels of the mind toward non-dual consciousness. This is exactly why saints can overlook offenses and love enemies!” We make ourselves fully present saying, “Here I am.”

The very Tribes to which we feel drawn to for belonging, comfort, and safety can be a means of re-connecting and of decreasing our dangerous climate of polarization. As members of the group, we have the authority to be leaders.  First and foremost, we can help each other to stop worrying about what other people think about us. We can begin to talk about the similarities of those whom we have opposed. We can collaborate with other teams at work.  We can explore the positive aspects of the culture we want to see more of.  We can begin to establish associations with individuals who are different. Expanding our tribes will not come through logical arguments or sound reasoning. It will come through a building of individual connections. It can happen just as it did for my little gang of boys so many years ago when we found out that two strange kids were ‘good at baseball’. We will always find that we are not really very different. And at long last...what a fine Tribe we might be.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers. His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Reverence of Kindness

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile." ~ Mother Teresa

We have the wonderful opportunity to bring a message of kindness, hope and joy where we might have inflicted damage and beaten others down in the past. We are all starved for such words and so richly blessed when we hear them. 

I wonder what it might be like, or what sort of kindnesses we might extend if we recognized God in the face of everyone we meet.  Can you imagine the awe we might have for one another?  The reality that each of us is created in the image of God should be enough to at least give us pause. 

The stranger, the wounded, and even the arrogant people would become our beloved relative.  This is not some dreamy illusion but is a spiritual truth.  The only thing lacking is our reverence.  It is reverence that identifies the sacred.  And the sacred surrounds each and every one of us.

“Kindness, I've discovered, is everything in life.” ~ Isaac Bashevis Singer

Our mission is to treat each other very well.  The final words attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi were ‘brothers, while there is still time, let us do good’.  This means that kindness and compassion should always be our lot. 

We can only do this sort of good when we are filled with reverence and awe for the very fact that the other is our relative, our dear, found relative.  Kindness, gratitude and gentleness will become second nature. 

Love will replace suspicion and guardedness will be exchanged for generosity.  We cannot afford to waste time arguing and grasping for personal power, control and relevance.  Now is the time to seek God in the present moment, in the hearts and eyes of our fellow travelers, and in the hands that long for our touch.

_______________________

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Self-Doubt Committee

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” ~ William Shakespeare

There is a committee that meets on a regular basis inside our brains that operates as if it has a powerful mandate with the final word on the disposition of our worth.  It has an agenda that allows them to tick off all of the failings, shortcomings, pitfalls, should-haves, and what-ifs.

The members argue and shout at each other about how impossible it is for us to move forward considering our total lack of ability and incompetence.  Do you recognize that committee and those voices?  We struggle with them every day.  All too often, we listen to them like some benign CEO who fears for his job, approving their negativity with a nod and a sigh.

They are right. We could never rise to the occasion.  It will be better to just plod along rather than risk another failing attempt.  The problem is that the committee does not have all of the information.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” ~ E. E. Cummings

Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous call this grouping of internal self doubters "the itty bitty sh...y committee".  They find these meetings of negative thoughts actually have the power to lead them back into the horrors of addiction if given the opportunity.  What is needed is an internal CEO with vision and with a silencing gavel to pound on the desk.

Each of us has the power to develop and carry out a personal mission statement.  Self doubt will slip into the recesses of our minds when we are following these better angels.

We were created to serve a higher purpose than we can ever imagine.  There is no time for negativity, no time for committee meetings, no reason to doubt and no reason to second guess our destiny.

Today I will pound that gavel and move forward toward my dreams!

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Survivor Guilt: What Happens When We Are Left Behind

When tragedy strikes and we are untouched by its’ full force, the pangs of Survivor Guilt can plague us.  We are grateful on one hand, but filled with thoughts of “Why not me?” We ask ourselves what we might have done to prevent this from happening.  How could we have not seen this coming? There is a sense that we are responsible for remaining intact and living on. The self-condemnation can be crippling.

“The problem with surviving was that you ended up with the ghosts of everyone you’d ever left behind riding on your shoulders.” ~ Paolo Bacigalupi

How Can We Begin to Understand and Cope With Survivor Guilt?The awful weight of self-indictment is the main characteristic of Survivor Guilt.  People experience a seemingly endless loop of the gut-wrenching belief that they did something wrong or failed to do what they could have done.  It happens to war veterans, accident survivors, those who live through natural disasters, cancer survivors, police officers, and Holocaust survivors. It is also common among friends and family members who have suffered the loss of a loved one to suicide.I am no stranger to Survivor Guilt.  My sister died of neuroblastoma when she was four years and nine months old.  Mother was grief-stricken as one might imagine.  Her beautiful little child had been taken and she was left to cope with the terrible loss feared by almost every parent.  We should not have to survive our children.She slipped deeper and deeper into dark sadness and depression. Her continual demand was to know why God would take Mary Kathryn instead of her. She had begged to be the one to die in my sisters’ stead only to be forsaken. There was no comforting her.  Despite opening her own business and trying to carry on with family and friends, she could not.  Our family doctor told Dad that the only thing that might help would be for Mom to get pregnant again.She did, and I was the replacement kid. Sixteen months after my sisters’ death, I was born into a house replete with Survivor Guilt. I have learned that many kids who survive the death of their siblings also experience this phenomenon.  I will never forget an occasion while playing on the living room floor with my Aunt Lucille. She was a registered nurse and had spent many hours with my sister.  At one point she mistakenly called me Mary Kay.  I could hear my mother break down into sobs in the kitchen.  I wondered why I was alive when my sister was not.  A wave of shame swept over me. I wished we could trade places. I was only three years old.Symptoms, Indicators and Healing ToolsSurvivor Guilt has been linked with PTSD in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which recognizes the role of negative emotions such as guilt and shame.  The following are symptoms associated with those negative emotions;

• Avoidance
• Feeling on edge
• Hypervigilance
• Detachment
• Easily startled

Other associated indicators not included in DSM are;

• Feeling disoriented, confused and unworthy
• Obsessing over the tragedy
• Being ambivalent about living
• Overwhelmed by the sense that you’re never really safe

Measuring Survivor Guilt

A good instrument for measuring Survivor Guilt and PTSD is the Trauma and Loss Spectrum Self-Report instrument (TALS-SR).It explores the lifetime experience of a range of loss and traumatic events and lifetime symptoms, behaviors and personal characteristics that might represent manifestations or risk factors for the development of a stress response syndrome.This tool is of great value to those like Police Chaplains, who deal with survivors.  Police Week reported in www.officer.com that one of the most important things an LEO who is experiencing Survivor Guilt can do is to “share your story with someone you trust and who will actually hear you rather than judge you.” The Chaplain fulfills such a role for many officers. First responders witness some of the most unimaginable sights in unfiltered, graphic situations. Police officers, firefighters, and paramedics also need to be given action-oriented methods of healing to cope with all they experience.

Survivors Continue to Suffer

The Associated Press reported that Survivor Guilt and symptoms of PTSD continues to plague those New Yorkers who lived through the attack on The World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Dr. Nomi Levy-Carrick, mental health director of World Trade Center Environmental Health Center program reported that; "There was tremendous Survivor Guilt, so people who survived didn't feel worthy of wanting to seek care.The fact that they had survived, they felt, should have been enough." She said people who tried moving on despite the lingering psychological effects of 9/11 realized they weren't getting better. 9/11 is perhaps the national tragedy that most of us remember in vivid detail.  We were devastated on a personal and community level beyond anything since the bombing of Pearl Harbor.Think what it must be like for those who continue to suffer as if it happened yesterday. It never seems to leave. In a real sense, this is the essence of understanding Survivor Guilt PTSD.  When it brings the darkness once again, unannounced, that unspeakable yesterday suddenly becomes today…here and now.

Not Limited to Tragedies Surrounding Death.

We have learned that Survivor Guilt is not limited to tragedies surrounding death.  I have provided counseling services for both adult men and adolescent boys who were victims of sexual abuse. The effects of the abuse are lasting. They have complicated feelings and vivid memories that haunt them relentlessly.  One of the most heartbreaking revelations is that so many feel that they were somehow responsible for what happened.“I was cute and kind of a sexy kid,” said Shane “He (the abuser) probably couldn’t help it.  I could have stopped it.  If I would have, other boys wouldn’t have been hurt.  It’s all my fault.”  He begins to sob uncontrollably. Shane is reduced to the little boy in a dark bedroom under the blanket of violence in the monstrous act at the hand of a trusted adult. My response is to try and carry light into their darknesses.I have found that the most valuable thing we can bring to those who experience Survivor Guilt PTSD is the listening ear and open heart of one willing to accompany them without judgment and with unconditional acceptance and love.  When the victim is no longer alone in the memory healing can begin.

Our Veterans and the Burden of their Experiences

Veterans of war carry the burden of their experiences in silence like so many victims of sexual abuse.  Their service is often marred by the loss of comrades and buddies in bloody scenes that none of us can imagine.  They come home to families who have longed for their return only to feel estranged.  A different person seems to be living in the body of their loved one.  Repeated inquiries about what happened ‘over there’ are met with silence and denial.  I remember men, including my Dad, who were soldiers and sailors in WWII.[embed]https://youtu.be/0HUf68gFGEE?t=2m24s[/embed]They rarely, if ever, talked about their combat experiences.  There was a wall of unknowing behind which nobody could come.  One of my friends fought in Vietnam and was known to have witnessed something horrific over there.  It was not until thirty years later when we read his suicide note that we found he had held the body of his wounded best friend for hours.  Merciful death or help from medics was not coming so Billy did what he had to do and ended the suffering with his service revolver.The note said he could no longer bear the decades of pain.  Billy was alone for all of those years. I was never able to bring him a torch for the darkness.Some Truths and Some Hope for Survivor Guilt PTSDWe know of so many things can cause Survivor Guilt and how to cope or heal.  The one who lives on after a loved one takes their own life, the one who survives after a sibling dies and the one who stays alive in an otherwise fatal auto accident are among the many who might shoulder the weight of Survivors Guilt.  There are two facts which are universal when it comes to this;

• It always comes when something happens which brings an extreme state of feeling previously unexperienced
• It must be dealt with or will persist for a lifetime

Here is some good news that comes to us from the most unlikely of situations. A most remarkable thing is happening for survivors of the Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting. Social media, protest marches and the honoring of fallen friends seem to have empowered the young people who survived, helping them in ways that were not available to earlier such tragedies.  They tweet to huge audiences of thousands about their pain and about actions they are taking to prevent further violence.Their #NEVERAGAIN page on FaceBook has more than 165,000 followers. These kids bravely stand up to criticism by adults and persist in their efforts day after day. They are courageous. Though probably unaware, they are doing almost all of the things that are offered by experts on Survivor Guilt PTSD to heal from their tragic losses.We can learn a lot from these young people. They seem to be carrying light to each other (and to us) in the darkness.  Not in the form of a torch but in hundreds of thousands of little beams coming from their cell phone flashlights.Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Miracle of Self-Sacrifice

Sacrifice is the miracle that makes great things possible.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self-sacrifice is a miracle in action. There are times when our world seems to be driven by greed and selfishness. One of the most powerful things to experience is a personal observation of one who freely gives for the sake of others.  This story is one we watch unfold during the Christian observance of Holy Week.Self-sacrifice is the act of deliberately following a course of action that has a high risk or certainty of suffering. We have witnessed such selfless action by our children as they cry out for an end to gun violence.  They have exposed themselves at great cost.  Pope Francis offered his support for their sacrifice in his Palm Sunday homily.

Such action always entails personal loss which could otherwise be avoided in order to achieve a benefit for others. It carries a powerful message saying; ‘There is something I want more than life itself. There is something more important.’We are sanctifying our actions when we make sacrifices. The drive to make a personal difference, whether by living a life of service or rising to the occasion when it becomes clear that someone must, is the essence of self-sacrifice. We trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom when we surrender to despair. Life isn't filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope. This hope can change the world.

Today I will embrace self-sacrifice to make a difference!

The Sustaining Gift of Encouragement

“Follow your dreams. Be yourself, an angel of kindness, There's nothing that you cannot do. I believe, I believe, I believe in you.” ~ Il Divo

Encouragement is the gift that keeps giving. One of the most powerful things we can possibly hear is the phrase ‘I believe in you’.  It comes to us when we need it the most and rescues us from the bog of self-doubt.Just when we think that everyone has lost faith, that we are hopelessly lost and doomed to lose, an angel appears with the words to sustain us saying ‘I believe in you’.  When we hear them we receive hope, our energy is renewed and we begin to believe in ourselves again.  The confidence of our resolve is restored so that we can battle the difficulties before us.

There are people who do believe in us.  When times get tough it is critical that we remember the encouragement that they have given in the past.  Someone has looked us in the eye saying ‘you can do it’ and then we have.We found the energy to overcome, persist and endure.  We have summoned the buoyancy of resilience and finished the race.  When we have doubts in ourselves or find ourselves being filled with self-criticism, it is important to replay the tapes of those who have fortified us.  It is just as important to spread the words to those who are struggling along with us.How often we have the opportunity to tell someone that we believe in them and let it slip away.  When we encourage each other, believe in them and affirm their journey, we shine a light for everyone to follow.

Today I will seek the counsel of those who believe in me and will encourage someone else with my believe in them.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

A Mission From God

“One of the most important spiritual disciplines is to develop the knowledge that the years of our lives are years on a mission.” ~ Henri J. M. NouwenA favorite movie of mine is ‘The Blues Brothers’ (1980) with Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi (written by Aykroyd and John Landis). There is great music, plenty of action and lots of laughs. One of the exchanges between the brothers, Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues, result in the adventure of their lives.  They unwittingly find a purpose and seek redemption by saving a Chicago orphanage from foreclosure.  The guys are challenged by the police and Neo-Nazi thugs along the road but ultimately overcome all obstacles.  Their mission cannot be foiled.This is the famous exchange that sets them on the path;Joliet Jake:  Me and the Lord, we got an understanding.Elwood:  We’re on a mission from God.Elwood: It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.Joliet Jake: Hit it.Jake and Elwood become radically available.  In order to accomplish their mission, they must set aside rules, fight the good fight, connect with community, make amends and redefine who they are.  Redemption is not an easy process.  When we engage in something greater than ourselves, there are sacrifices that must be made.  Then there will be nothing that can stand between our dream and its realization.  We make ourselves completely available without compromise.  We join with others, keep our eye on the prize and get it done.  We ‘Go for Life’ in a very big way.  No more half measures.  No more putting it off until later.  The time is now.  We are on a mission from God.

Life Is A Banquet

“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

The warm showers and new life offered up to us from Mother Earth, provided by a loving God, are reason enough to celebrate.  We take ourselves way, way, way too seriously.  There is joy and humor to be found all around us, yet so often we trudge along with heavy hearts, one-track minds and narrowed tunnel vision.  We are so darned self-absorbed and preoccupied that we miss the whole thing.  Political correctness stifles the laugh that stirs in our bellies.  We fret excessively about offending…or being inappropriate. 

Springtime reminds us to begin anew, to put aside our old worn out worry, hurry and hate that we drag around from the winter chill.  There is plenty enough time to pick it back up if we so desire.  Now is the time for merriment.

The thought of former Chicago Cubs third baseman, Ron Santo pops into my head when I think about finding joy in every moment.  Here was a guy with every reason in the world to be a martyr and carry resentment.  He had juvenile diabetes and it was the serious kind.  There was never a doubt that the progression of the disease would take him out one day.  Despite the gloomy prognosis, he played the game of baseball with a flourish.  He was known for jumping up in the air and clicking his heels at Wrigley displaying his great exuberance for life.

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death. Live! Live! Live!" ~ Auntie Mame (1958) with Rosalind Russell

He found delight and humor in the Curse of The Cubs when a black cat circled him on third base one day in 1969.  He was funny, charming and delightful as the WGN announcer despite losing both of his legs later in life.  Ronny taught us that we all have trouble and afflictions...but that we should never let them get us down.  Nobody ever deserved being in the Baseball Hall of Fame more than Ron Santo.

We have more than enough reason to have LOTS of fun despite our hard times.  Let go and have a good belly laugh today!  Life is too short to be glum.

____________________

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Expressing Thanks and Gratitude

“Grateful eyes look at each thing as if they had never seen it before and caress it as if they would never see it again.” ~ Brother David Steindl-Rast

There are so many people that come in and out of our lives that it is hard to keep up with them.  Our busy daily rounds keep us hopping between work, family, friends, duties and other responsibilities.  It is important to set aside a little time to say a heartfelt thank you to the ones who have had an impact on the way that we live, think and believe.  Time can rob us of the opportunity if we are not careful and thoughtful about this effort.Among the people who shaped me was an English teacher in my junior year of high school.  He was delightful.  Somehow, Errett Worcester Green was able to make it fun to memorize verse.  Perhaps it was his hilarious presentations of the material, his love of the language, dedication to teenagers or some special magic that he brought to us every day.  Whatever it was, I learned to love poetry, Dickens, Shakespeare and school.

Mr. Green, a native of Illinois, was already 65 when I was his student, but age didn't create a generation gap between us.  One of the most popular teachers at Pine Crest School in Fort Lauderdale, "Pop" Green drew otherwise sophisticated 17 year old juniors to him like a Pied Piper.We watched as he performed scenes in Hamlet, using different voices for each character.  Many of us actually fell out of our chairs when he sang 'Froggy Went A-Courtin' while acting out the parts of Froggy, Miss Mousey and Uncle Rat.  I discovered for the first time that learning could be exciting.  As I have grown older, his lessons continue to enhance my ability to remember meaningful lines and share them with clients.  My counseling sessions all have a little sparkle of  Mr. Green in them as I find new ways to connect and relate.

"We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives." ~ John F Kennedy

My family has heard me tell stories about E. W. Green over and over.  We were in South Florida visiting my mother in 1978.  I had just proudly competed a recitation of the introduction to Beowolf in Middle English which Pop had us memorize, when my wife urged me to make an effort to tell Mr. Green how much he had meant to me.

So, I picked up the phone with the intention of doing just that.  His wife answered the phone.  Helen W. Green taught my senior English class.  Having her as an instructor was almost as wonderful as having Pop.  She completed the love-of-English lessons he started by infusing even more joy but with a bit less hilarity.  It was so good to hear her voice.  Mrs. Green remembered me after almost ten years and proved it by asking some personal questions and reminiscing about 'her children' at Pine Crest.  I told her that I wanted to talk to Mr. Green and let him know how much he meant to me.  She was gracious and kind as usual but gently informed me that “Pop” had died the day before.  I was devastated.

The final lesson that Mr. and Mrs. Green gave to me was an invaluable one.  Never put off expressing your appreciation and love for those teachers, mentors, family members or friends who have provided important guidance for our journey.  I made one of those connections today when I called Mr. and Mrs. Green's 85 year old son to let him know how his parents had influenced my life.  He was so happy to hear my story. The pleasure was all mine.  Thanks again Pop and Helen!Banner image: Errett W. Green and Helen W. Green

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Prejudice and Transformation; The Experiential Roots of Bias and Spiritual Awakenings

I am writing this column from Memphis as the fiftieth anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr’s assassination has come and gone.  My visit to The Lorraine Motel and Mason Temple on April 4 was such a moving experience.  It led me to re-think prejudice, racism, and all that separates us from one another.  Creating a curated column with this in mind is a challenge.  There is so much information online. Sorting through it is mind-boggling and formidable. I have gained much in this research.  You might say I have a new pair of glasses.

Despite progress made in narrowing the gap between the privileged and marginalized, it remains wide.  Discrimination based on race, sex, age, religion, national origin and sexual orientation exists as surely today as ever.  We see it or hear about it daily. In Memphis, the CEO of United Way reported on February 27, 2018 that “the median income of African Americans is still 50 percent that of whites, despite our increased high school graduation and college degree rates and when it is consistent across other socioeconomic indices, we're still stuck."

We are still stuck indeed. Each of us is biased and possesses some degree of prejudice. My own roots of prejudice and discovery of redemption might be of some help to others. While I don’t think it would be useful to re-disclose the mounds of data, there is some good current information in this column’s hyperlinks.  The most important thing to gain from this is that anyone can change. I have found that such conversion is unlikely unless there is a spiritual awakening from self-examination and soul searching. As the AA people put it in the second step of their program of recovery; “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Jean Vanier, a philosopher, writer, religious and moral leader and the founder of two major international community-based organizations, L'Arche, and Faith & Light, that exist for people with intellectual disabilities, teaches that fear is the basis of prejudice.  He asserts that “We are all frightened of those who are different, those who challenge our authority, our certitudes, and our value system.  We are all so frightened of losing what is important for us, the things that give us life, security, and status in society.  We are frightened of change, and, I suspect, we are even more frightened of our own hearts.”

Self-Examination and Childhood Experience Reveal Roots of Bias

Examining ones heart is not easy work.  I never wanted to think there was a prejudiced bone in my body.  I was raised in Danville, Illinois, not in the Deep South where racism seemed so glaringly blatant.  I just couldn’t have experienced such intolerance growing up in my comfortable Midwestern town.  But, upon deeper reflection and introspection, it seems that early childhood experiences hidden within implicit messages from adults shaped my opinions and attitudes more than I had imagined. I also discovered that Danville has a past that brought it some well-deserved shame. There was a horribly brutal mob lynching in 1903 which made headlines around the country. No place is immune from the fears which fuel hatred and violence.

My earliest memories of African-American people surround several women and men who served as caterers for my parents’ elegant dinner parties. When I asked my mother why they were all black, she responded that the family had ‘colored’ servants for generations. Her ancestors had freed their slaves in Kentucky when they decided to migrate to Illinois in 1829.  One of them, a pregnant girl named Polly, followed on foot behind their covered wagons into the Free State.  She was not allowed to cross the border in the wagon due to federal law. Aunt Pol, as she came to be known, and her family acted as our servants and nannies for years to come.In fact, her grandson, Frank Neal and his wife, Florence were among the caterers I knew and loved. So my first impression was that African Americans were our family members. It also bothered me, even as a little boy, that we had once been owners of slaves. I decided to pay attention to family members and other trusted adults as they talked about and interacted with black people.  My observations were puzzling.  It was forbidden to use the “N-word” in our home but when my mother gave Florence Neal a ride home from a party she told me she was taking her to nigger town.When we saw black children with their parents she referred to them as ‘pickaninnys’. Mom wasn’t the only one who gave me mixed messages.  But hers were the words that stuck with me. In my mind, there was clearly a disparity between what the adults said they believed and how they behaved.

Media helped to shape my attitudes and those of most kids.  There was no internet, but there were other means that guided our thinking just as much Face Book does today.  Children’s books like “Little Black Sambo” which portrayed the character as a stereotyped ‘pickaninny’, was quite hurtful to black children “The Bobbsey Twins In the Land of Cotton” portrayed cotton picking laborers in this way;Negroes, both men and women, were gaily dressed in bright-colored shirts, or sunbonnets and aprons.  Most of them were singing. “They must like their work,” said Nan. “They seem so happy.” “Cotton picking is healthful exercise.” Replied the plantation owner.Several recording artists like Al Jolson who wore blackface and sang as minstrels depicted a negative stereotype of African Americans. Ralph David Abernathy talked about those stereotypes as black people “scratching where they didn't itch, and laughing when they were not tickled.” Amos ‘n’ Andy was hugely popular radio show whose characters were voiced by two white men portraying black men.  Later, a television show of the same name appeared with ‘colored’ actors.  Bishop W. J. Walls of the African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church wrote an article sharply denouncing Amos 'n' Andy, singling out the lower-class characterizations and the "crude, repetitious and moronic" dialogue.  These were only a few of my boyhood influences.I discovered early on that people loved the way I mimicked and imitated voices.  It wasn’t long before my jokes turned on black people, polish people and others who were easy and, I found, socially acceptable targets.  My popularity among friends and family grew dramatically as I acted out my characterizations. It all seemed harmless enough.  Little did I suspect that my antics were affecting people in lasting ways. I was a privileged white boy who was leveraging my position at the expense of those who were suffering injustice and discrimination. I could feel this in my stomach, but the approval and laughter I created only increased the frequency of my bad behavior.

The origins of prejudice can almost always be traced to childhood experiences and to beliefs taught by parents and other adults.  Between the ages of 3 and 6, kids begin to understand prejudice and to apply stereotypes.  We are not prejudiced because we are evil but because we are human and it is easy to fall into it. The infrastructure of prejudice is not moral depravity, but our regular thinking mechanism that just went wrong.

How Pivotal Events Shake the Foundations of Prejudice

It has taken a series of ah-ha moments, tragic events, studies, workshops and close work with marginalized people to create my conversion and transformation process which continues to this day.  The first such experience happened in 1958 when I was seven years old.  My parents spent winters with my grandparents in South Florida near Pompano Beach.  I loved going there and considered it my second home.  On this trip there was a special treat.  The State of Florida had just opened the Sunshine State Parkway.  It was a divided tollway and you could cruise along at speeds and ‘make time’ unheard of on the two lane roads from Danville to Pompano.  To top it all off, there were full service rest areas with free orange juice and a restaurant.  We stopped at the first one we saw. The booths at the restaurant each had a little juke box and you could pick songs you liked for a nickel.  We were all quite impressed.I will never forget what happened next.  I had to go to the bathroom and my folks decided I was old enough to go on my own.  I confidently strode to the facilities only to be met by signs that baffled me.  The restrooms were marked for use by race.  They were labeled as White Men, Colored Men, White Women and Colored Women.  Water fountains were also separate.  What was I supposed to do? I pondered for a minute and chose the colored bathroom thinking that the people in there had to be interesting (purple, red, orange?).  I went inside and started to approach a urinal when a black man took me by the hand and asked to take me back to my parents.I protested that I had to go, but he persisted and led me to our booth.  The man told my parents that; “The little master was gonna use the colored bathroom.  We could all get in a lot of trouble.” Dad apologized and took me to the White Only boys’ room.  I was indignant.  It took lots of rather clumsy explanations for me to finally be told to accept that things were different in the South…and to shut up.  I decided never to forget the look on the man’s face who saved us from ‘trouble’.  There was something terribly wrong.

There were other influences over the years.  My friend, Jack Lord from Pompano introduced me to books by Martin Luther King, President Kennedy’s Profiles in Courage, and one about Gandhi.  They made big impressions on my thinking.  Not a reading list my conservative Republican parents endorsed, but they allowed me to delve into them anyway.  But the next event that shook up my conscience happened in 1967.  I was 16 and a sophomore at Pine Crest School in Fort Lauderdale.  One weekend I was invited to a friend’s house in Pahokee, Florida.  Any excuse to get out of the dorm was welcome.  Several of the dorm kids were from Pahokee and it sounded like a great time.On Sunday I was expected to attend church services with my host family at First Baptist Church.  One of my friends Dad was a deacon at the church and met us at the door to chat about football prior to the services.  As we were talking, an African American couple from out of town began walking up the steps to the sanctuary.  The Dad excused himself, went into the vestibule and returned with a shotgun.  He pointed it at the couple and said; “You must be in the wrong place.  The nigger church is down the street.”  The frightened folks made a hasty retreat.  I was so angry that I couldn’t find words for hours.  I just sat there in the car all the way back to Ft. Lauderdale with hot tears in my eyes.  I finally decided that I would never be silent about something like this again.

On April 4, 1968 I was in night study hall at Pine Crest when the teacher in charge, Mr. Ed Sickman, called for our attention and told us Senator Robert Kennedy announced in Indianapolis that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had been assassinated in Memphis.  We were devastated.  How could such a thing happen in our country? King’s words kept playing in my head; “I have felt the power of God transforming the fatigue of despair into the buoyancy of hope. I am convinced that the universe is under the control of a loving purpose and that in the struggle for righteousness man has cosmic companionship.”  Was he wrong? Had we sunk to such a level as a people that all hope was gone? How could God let this happen? My heart was broken.  That was undeniable.  Then, a few short weeks later, Senator Kennedy was killed.  My inner transformation was in full swing.  I began to question everything about my beliefs.  But, like any conversion, the process was not linear.

Conversions and Transformation Take Time to Affect Change

My penchant for racially insensitive and mean joke telling continued for years. Even though my heart was changed, my mind wasn’t.  The guilt I experienced was not enough to stop my comments to others which might have influenced or reinforced their own prejudices. It is said that one has to really want to change for it to happen.  I believe that this is true. Certainly, the pivotal events I described above were the impetus for my change.But there is more to it than that.  I spent much of my life helping kids who suffered the most terrible trauma, and adults who struggled with addictions as a result of horrific childhood experiences.  They are of every race, religion, sexual orientation, social background and on and on.  They have been my teachers.  More than all of my college African American Studies, workshops, retreats and community leadership gatherings about prejudice, my patients led me to the spiritual truth that we are all unique but conversely all the same.  It took years for me to reach a place where my bias does not actively direct my behavior.  But I still have to be on guard. Old demons can still raise their pointy heads.

The process of conversion and transformation is well told in the lives of Saul of Tarsus (a relentless persecutor of early Christians), John Newton (the slave trader who wrote Amazing Grace) and George Wallace (the Governor of Alabama who infamously preached; ''Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever''). All three of these men were feared and reviled, but celebrated by many as well.  Then something happened which turned each of them around and transformed not only their own lives, but the lives of countless others. Saul became the Apostle Paul and spent his life dedicated to those he once would have slaughtered.  John Newton wrote the beloved hymn “Amazing Grace” and wrote extensively on the evils of slavery.  His conversion took 38 years by the way.  It is seldom immediate.  George Wallace was shot in 1972 by a would-be-assassin.  He recalled as he lay on his back, blood pooling on the ground, a light came into his heart and as his son later remarked “this was his first step on the road to Damascus.”  Wallace poured himself into Bible study and found a new faith system that did not allow discrimination and hatred.  He asked his former enemies for forgiveness.  Congressman John Lewis, for one, offered it to him saying; “George Wallace should be remembered for his capacity to change.”

Storytelling and Use of Resources to Stem the Tide of Prejudice; It’s Always a God Thing

Telling your own story and listening to the fears of those to whom we minister are critical elements in the work we do to help people find their way.  There are important questions to ask ourselves when developing such stories. This involves self-examination and seeking to find the roots of prejudices.  Among them are these;

• Do you remember the attitudes your parents had about other races, religions, ethnic groups when you were a child?

• How did your prejudice develop?

• Can you recall a time when you held prejudiced attitudes or beliefs or acted in a discriminatory manner because your group of friends expected you to?

• Can you think of a prejudiced attitude you have held toward a group of people?

• Have you ever been the target of discrimination? If so, how did this negative treatment make you feel?

• Do I hold any stereotypes that may lead to excluding, avoiding, and biased treatment of others?

• Have you witnessed racism toward any racial or ethnic groups?

• Are you aware of racism in your community?

In addition to the stories we develop, there are also some excellent tools available to us that would help create dialogue and build bridges between groups.  Among them is the Sojourners Study Guide and Book by Jim Wallace called “America’s Original Sin”.  I have used them in my work over the years and find them to be extremely helpful to participants in exploring belief systems and building community.  A copy of the study guides are provided here in pdf form for your use. There is a virtual learning series called “Racial Equity & Liberation” which is also quite valuable and easy to access. Another good current resource guide was developed by Yusef Mgeni in 2017.The time for action is now. Clare Hanrahan, the social activist, leaves us with this formidable warning;“Like the deadly currents in the Mississippi River, racism still lurks about even when much of the surface seems calm.  Today, its poisons are rising again like a deadly fog off the surface of deep and troubled waters.”

Here is the truth

Fear of others is the fundamental emotion that guides prejudice and discrimination. It always searches for a scapegoat. When we develop a desire to change through the intervention of a “Power Greater the Ourselves” a realization begins to take hold.  As one of my patients used to repeat over and over to me; “I’m not in charge. It’s a God thing.” We will realize that all of us are fundamentally the same, no matter what our age, gender, race, culture, religion, limits or disabilities may be.  We all have vulnerable hearts and need to be loved and appreciated.  We belong to a common humanity.  As we begin to listen and really hear each other’s stories things begin change and everyone involved is transformed.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse. In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

The Listening Mission: Learning to Hear Each Other in Times of Noisy Saber Rattling

It seems that we are all too eager to pick sides nowadays. 

My wife, Bonita, asked me earlier this week how and when I was going to write about counseling victims of gun violence, the kids march on Washington and important issues of the day which divide our country. Memories came of being an eleven year old on the Edison Grade School playground in Danville, Illinois way back in the dark ages.  A baseball game was about to commence.Captains were appointed by our teacher and then the chosen boys began picking their favorites, or the most talented as team-mates. Sides quickly developed.  Friends became immediate rivals and the game began. We decided to be The Cubs vs The Yankees.Young Mickey Mantle faced Don Cardwell.  Little Ernie Banks faced Whitey Ford.  It was 1961 and hard for a boy not to love the Yanks…but we lived in Cub Country.  What are ya gonna do? When the game was over, despite heated arguments about who was safe on first, and what the strike zone was, we all became friends again.Wouldn’t it be great if it worked that way in all our affairs?  But today we often make hard and fast binary choices which create permanent teams.  This ‘adult’ kind of side picking just isn’t working very well.

Finding Common Ground through Deeper Listening

We have worn ourselves out with fist shaking.  It is time for some really deep listening.  We who are Chaplains, students, human service providers, educators, youngsters, counselors, and folks from every walk of life who believe in freedom cannot rest until the possibility for common ground is reestablished.I learned a lesson about listening from a group of eight sexually abused boys who were participating in group therapy with me.  We were working on the 12 Steps and they had received a Second Step assignment at the previous session to identify a ‘Power greater than themselves’.  These kids suffered things that most of us can never imagine.  They were tough survivors in small packages who protected themselves by keeping everyone at an arms distance.  I found that it was more important to hear what they weren’t saying.But finding common ground in something greater than their abuse and bigger than their addictions was an important milestone to achieve for each of them and for the group.  Each session always began in moments of silence.  They hated that.  But it allowed them to find a quiet safe zone from which to begin.  On this day, one after another, they revealed their ‘Higher Power’.  Shane chose a traditional God, Michael chose The Universe, Jason chose numbers (no beginning and no end).  Then came Thad.  He chose a doorknob.The group burst into laughter and he became red-faced.  I quieted the guys and asked Thad to explain.  He said that he had seen a picture of Jesus standing in a garden knocking at a door.  He had noticed that there was a doorknob on the inside of the cracked open door but none on the outside.  He then glared at the other boys and said; “That’s my Higher Power.  I get to choose whether to open the door or not.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.  Laughter had been replaced by little sobs.  We had listened deeply to Thad.  His wisdom opened us all to new possibilities.

Giving Advice, Good Counsel and Talk is the Easy Fix…Try the Listen First Project

My training as a counselor and therapist emphasized listening over talking.  This can be a tough practice when people who come to me are overtly seeking direction.  They say they want me to tell them which way to turn.  They beg for solace, wisdom and comfort from my words.  They want for someone to fix things, to ease the pain and guide them to safe shores.  But I have found when I follow their desire and offer interventionist management that my clients are seldom helped for very long.  It is dangerous and presumptuous of me to think I know what is best.  Rev. Gregory J. Boyle, S.J. recently told me that ‘we can shine a beam of hope on the light switch but it is up to the individual to turn it on or not’. Carl Jung said the therapist has been invited into a patient’s sacred inner temple and that we must remove our shoes before entering. He often told stories rather than give advice. The short of this is to say that we always bring bias and pre-judgment to the table.  This is why it is so important to listen carefully, thoughtfully and tenderly.  Unless there is a severe mental illness blocking the way, every person has a pretty good idea of where they need to go and what they need to do.  We just need to shine the light in the right direction to help them see the way to their own answers.Chaplains know better than most about the power of listening.  They are called in times of crisis to be present without fixing people.  They learn that being there, often in silent oneness, for those who are grieving and in pain is more powerful than any words or evangelizing could hope to be.  They bring psychological and spiritual healing as they experience gut wrenching stories of loss happens with deep listening and empathy. This ‘Listening Presence’ is perhaps the most critical skill a Chaplain can develop.  It is the tool they will use more than any other.This active listening approach is used in business and community affairs to reach goals and solve problems.  Lee Iacocca, the automobile industry genius said; “Business people need to listen at least as much as they need to talk.” The Listen First Project has identified four drivers to improve economic results.

• Discover what listening means to your employees, each person's listening style, and how to build your team around a common set of core principles

• Learn effective listening techniques and specific behaviors that drive results

• Practice the skills necessary to become a professional listener

• Engage employees beyond the workshop by infusing communications with Listen First principles that foster a positive team listening environment

Listen First is a ‘movement to mend the frayed fabric of America by bridging divides one conversation at a time’.  They have been instrumental in bringing healing to communities around the country. Their National Week of Listening began on April 20th of 2018 in Charlottesville, VA (#ListenFirst).  In an age of ever increasing division and polarization, this group is offering hope. The first step is to take their Pledge:"I will listen first to understand and consider another's views before sharing my own. I will prioritize respect and understanding in conversation. And I will encourage others to do the same."

Creating Safe Places for Listening

People don’t feel safe sharing their opinions.  Even though there is quite a bit of ranting on Face Book, Twitter and other social media, most of us put on a brave face and don’t engage. A woman I know and have helped over the years is struggling with the binary choices and ponderous polarization that her son is experiencing in a northern high school.  They moved from the south a few years ago.  She confided in me that “my son gets "bullied" by his peers AND teachers for wearing Trump, NRA or God Bless America items. Todd (not his real name) is a responsible long gun competitor.” The young man is dating a girl whose mother has strong “liberal” principles and exerts quite a bit of influence over her daughters thinking. The girl and Todd have to hide his beliefs or she would never allow them to see each other. Additionally, my former client feels unable to tell people about her strong fundamental Christian faith or political preferences for fear of being chastised and shunned by her community.I wonder what it might be like if we created Listening Missions in our places of work, play and worship? Imagine regular meeting places and times where ideas, differences and possibilities were really heard, honored, discussed and processed. I am sure that we would find some brilliant solutions.Then there is the former Rural Southern Voice for Peace (RSVP) now known as The Listening Project, which is a group offering help to organizations and communities. Back in 1981, The Rural Southern Voice for Peace, founded by Herb and Marnie Walters in Celo, North Carolina, began a “deep listening” fellowship which has become The Listening Project.  My best friend from Danville, Steve Magin was one of those engaged in starting community listening projects (CLP’s).These CLPs are a comprehensive listening, organizing and action process that can take grassroots organizing to new levels of skill and success. They also organized Facilitated Group Listening (FGL) which is another communication and action program offered by Listening Project. FGL enables larger groups of people to come together at the same time, to address differences, commonalities, problems and solutions. It is structured so all participants agree to a contract that protects each person’s right to be heard and respected. Listening takes place in small groups that are guided by a trained facilitator.They can be reached at Rural Southern Voice For Peace ~1036 Hannah Branch Rd., Burnsville, NC 28714 or 828.675.4626 or herbrsvp@gmail.com

We Have the Bully Pulpit

Our 26th President, Teddy Roosevelt, recognized that his office gave him a unique platform from which to listen, advocate and act.  He called it the Bully (wonderful) pulpit. Our influence as servant leaders offers just such a platform and means to facilitate listening.  We can shape a new conversation where win/lose or compromise are transformed to cooperation. When we compromise everyone has a stake in the loss.When we cooperate everyone has a stake in the win.  We will have facilitated common ground and new ways to succeed are established. Our children are watching, pleading and demanding our cooperation in ending the stalemate that comes from polarization.  They showed up and demonstrated across the country to make their point.  We must begin to listen…and to hear each other in radical new ways.  We share the bully pulpit.  Let’s find a way to create Listening Missions wherever we serve.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Addiction Epidemic: Re-ordering Strategies for Substance Abuse Disorders from Intervention to Prevention

More than 64,000 Americans died from drug overdoses in 2016, including illicit drugs and prescription opioids…nearly double in a decade. An estimated 88,000 people (approximately 62,000 men and 26,000 women) died from alcohol abuse in the same year. We lost 152,000 people.  This makes alcohol and drug abuse/addiction the third leading preventable cause of death in the United States. Only heart disease and cancer took more lives.Congress approved and the President signed a bill funding $7.4 billion for addiction in 2018.  But are we allocating our resources well? Are we addressing this health crisis in new and effective ways? It is a good and meaningful try to be sure.  The problem is that we continue to allocate much more money and effort into putting out fires as opposed to preventing them.

Chattooga River

Are We Focused on the Real Problem? Insights from the Chattooga River

In my role as an addiction professional, I used to speak before groups of mental health, substance abuse and adolescent treatment providers on a fairly regular basis. One of the stories I liked to tell is that of a hiker in the Blue Ridge Mountains who had wandered onto an active emergency situation at a Class IV rapid on the Chattooga River.

There were ambulances, EMT’s, police officers, a coroner and lots of onlookers trying desperately to pull the dead and dying from still-treacherous waters below the rapids.  The victims were young people who were beaten by rocks, lungs full of river, no longer able to help themselves.  Knowing that he would only get in the way, the hiker hustled upstream.  There he found another frantic situation indeed.

The whitewater of Bull Sluice was enveloping kayaks, canoes and swimmers. Specially trained First Responders and Experienced Whitewater Guides were using all of their skills in efforts to get people out of harm’s way to little avail.  So the hiker went around the bend and up to a point where he heard cries for help and found several river guides and volunteers throwing floating devices on ropes, wading into swift water, hauling kids and boats up to shore from an area just above the Class IV treachery.   Many were being rescued but some were swept away.

There was still little room for him to be of any use, so the hiker ran along the bank to find a group of youngsters swimming in the river.  Some neighbors and volunteers from the down river site were trying to talk them into getting out of the water…warning of the perils downstream.

Several of them paid attention and followed the urgings of their warnings and headed in for dry land.  Finally, a few hundred yards further on, the hiker found a bend in the river where it seemed to be warm and inviting.  A group of kids were changing into swim wear and heading toward the water with rafts and inner tubes.  There were no adults supervising, warning or rescuing.  The situation was so ostensibly innocent.

He approached the young people, told them of all he had witnessed and talked about finding another way to enjoy the afternoon that might not be so life-threatening.  He showed them the way to a little private cove where still water, a diving well and nice beach waited.  Everyone took him up on the offer and enjoyed a safe day of adventure.

From the Intensive Care to Early Screening:

Our Inverted Focus (or Looking for Cures in All the Wrong Places)

I think my subtitle is a little cutesier than it should be. It makes me think of the 1980 Country song “Lookin’ for Love” by Johnny Lee making it hard to resist.  Anyway, my story about the Blue Ridge Hiker is what I believe is an upside-down pyramid of attention, emphasis, funding and research in dealing with the opioid/addiction epidemic.  The following are the categories of treatment intervention as I have experienced them in decades of direct service in the field of Substance Abuse Disorders (SUDs).Tertiary Intervention: Most of our precious time and resources has been given to what I call tertiary intervention.  Like the hiker approaching the chaotic rescue efforts downriver, we have spent most of our time giving CPR to the dying and burying the others. Tertiary Interventions include;

• Emergency Response Teams (First Responders, LEO’s, Emergency Rooms, Hospitals, Intensive Care)
• 24 hour hospital based Short Term Medical Detox Centers
• Criminal Justice System
• Universal availability of naloxone

Secondary Intervention: These are Medically Managed Services for adolescents and adults.  In my story, it is the discovery of direct whitewater rescue.  Secondary Interventions include;

• Hospital based 24-hour nursing care and daily physician care for severe, unstable patients who cannot manage life without these intensive services.
• 24 hour Intensive Inpatient Services Withdrawal Management centers with counseling, physician, nursing and medication management services.
• Residential treatment centers with flexible programs to meet individual treatment needs depending on severity of illness.

Primary Intervention: Services at this level help those who do not require round-the-clock care.  The hiker in the little tale finds swimmers and adventurers above the rapids but in some degree of real trouble.  Primary Interventions include;

• Partial Hospitalization Services for adolescents and adults, this level of care typically provides 20 or more hours of service a week.
• Intensive Outpatient Services for adolescents and adults, this level of care typically consists of 9 or more hours of service a week.
• Outpatient Services for adolescents and adults, this level of care typically consists of less than 9 hours of service a week.
• Opioid Treatment Programs. (OTP) utilizes methadone or buprenorphine formulations in an organized, ambulatory, addiction treatment clinic for clients with severe Opioid-Use Disorders to establish a maintenance state of addiction recovery
• Drug Courts

Primary Prevention: Early Intervention for Adults and Adolescents, this level of care constitutes a service for individuals who, for a known reason, are at risk of developing substance-related problems, or a service for those for whom there is not yet sufficient information to document a diagnosable substance use disorder. This represents the final stop for our hiker.  Primary Preventions include;

• Adverse Childhood Experience Screening (ACE’s)
• Classroom based substance abuse education programs
• Strategic Prevention Framework by SAMHSA
• Recovery Community Services Programs. Organizations that are grassroots, separate from the government run programs, separate from treatment services i.e., Faces and Voices of Recovery (FAVOR)
• Prescription Drug Monitoring Programs (PDMP). An electronic database that tracks controlled substance prescriptions in a state. PDMPs can provide health authorities timely information about prescribing and patient behaviors that contribute to the epidemic and facilitate a nimble and targeted response.

There is practically universal accord that our methods of dealing with drug and alcohol abuse have failed to achieve the desired results.  The efforts to stem the tide of addiction by declaring a war on drugs (which was really a war on people engaged in it) proved almost fruitless.The problem is that despite good intentions, and an allocation of massive funding, we are continuing to pour resources into the least effective means of turning the tables on our nationwide epidemic. Policy makers and leaders have decided to ignore the facts and double down on a status quo method of dealing with a healthcare crisis which has been raging for almost 20 years. And the status quo has made virtually zero impact (statistically speaking) on outcomes.The Comprehensive Addiction and Recovery Act (CARA) of 2018 heralds a new era which will “Expand prevention and educational efforts—particularly aimed at teens, parents and other caretakers, and aging populations—to prevent the abuse of methamphetamines, opioids and heroin, and to promote treatment and recovery.  However, it authorizes funding at the roughly the following levels nationwide;

• Inpatient, outpatient and OTP treatment at $4.1 billion
• Criminal Justice at $1.59 billion
• Prevention at $221 million (4.4 million per state)
• Recovery Support Services (FAVOR, recovery high schools, recovery housing) at $7 million or $140 thousand per state (not even enough to fund services in Upstate South Carolina for example)

There is a place on the planet which has used effective local initiatives in the form of policies to discourage drug use while offering solid alternative programs. Iceland built an anti-drug plan that focuses largely on providing kids with after-school activities, from music and the arts to sports like soccer and indoor skating to many other clubs and activities.They coupled this approach with banning alcohol and tobacco advertising, enforcing curfews for teenagers, and getting parents more involved in their kids’ schools to further discourage drug use.Researcher Harvey Milkman says of Iceland’s approach, that it’s “a social movement around natural highs: around people getting high on their own brain chemistry … without the deleterious effects of drugs.”As a result, Iceland, which had one of the worst drug problems in Europe, has seen adolescent consumption fall. The number of 15 and 16 year-olds who got drunk in the previous month fell from 42 percent in 1998 to just 5 percent in 2016, and the number who ever smoked marijuana dropped from 17 percent to 7 percent in the same time frame. In a similar time period, from 1997 to 2012, the percentage of 15 and 16 year-olds who participated in sports at least four times a week almost doubled — from 24 to 42 percent — and the number of kids who said they often or almost always spent time with their parents on weekdays doubled, from 23 to 46 percent.[/et_pb_tab][et_pb_tab title="The Vermont Approach" _builder_version="3.0.101"]In another approach, the State of Vermont has developed a comprehensive health care policy which has changed the outcomes for opioid disorders dramatically using medication assisted treatment programs.It is called the “hub and spoke model” which was developed by the American Society of Addiction Medicine. The results have been encouraging. Vermont is doing much better than nearby states.It was the only state in New England that in 2015 was below the national average (of 16.3 per 100,000 people) for drug overdose deaths.[/et_pb_tab][et_pb_tab title="The Los Angeles Approach" _builder_version="3.0.101"]One of the most dramatic approaches to dealing with the Drug Crisis can be found at Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles. Here, and in a multitude of spin-off organizations, comprehensive employment and life redirection strategies have been used to help gang members, previously incarcerated individuals and families to overcome violence and addiction.They are unconventional.  Established by Rev. Gregory Boyle, they tell that at Homeboys, hope has an address.  He tells us that, “Homeboy Industries has been the tipping point to change the metaphors around gangs and how we deal with them in Los Angeles County.This organization has engaged the imagination of 120,000 gang members and helped them to envision an exit ramp off the "freeway" of violence, addiction and incarceration. And the country has taken notice. We have helped more than 40 other organizations replicate elements of our service delivery model, broadening further the understanding that community trumps gang -- every time.”Every member of Homeboys must test clean on drug screens to be a part of the community service.  Their unusual program is based on a spiritual model of unconditional love.[/et_pb_tab][et_pb_tab title="The Memphis Approach" _builder_version="3.0.101"]Memphis is using ACE’s.The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Awareness Foundation of Memphis “informs the community about the role of emotional trauma in mental, physical, and behavioral health, and implements innovative models that provide preventable and sustainable solutions to reducing toxic stress in family systems.The Foundation launched and provides strategic oversight to the ACE Task Force of Shelby County, the Universal Parenting Places, and the Parenting Support Warm Line.” Although not an addiction or substance abuse disorder specific program, ACE’s used in the comprehensive way Memphis is developing will stem the tide through screening and direct services.  The fact is that pain drives addiction and SUDS. Drugs and alcohol are abused by people who have childhood experiences and trauma that the rest of us cannot imagine.They are seeking relief and a hiding place.  When a community like Memphis gathers its schools, juvenile justice system, LEO’s, pediatricians, colleges, churches, other human service providers, parents and families together, you can be sure that something incredible will happen.There is new research telling us incredible things about the way addicted brains work.  Drugs have been found to hijack dopamine systems making ‘getting high’ an almost unavoidable consequence.  Also, the adolescent brain, when exposed to drug use has little chance to form good cognitive processes. The idea that addiction is a moral failing has been practically eliminated.  With that in mind, it is even more important that we begin thinking outside of the box.[/et_pb_tab][/et_pb_tabs][et_pb_text _builder_version="3.0.101"]

It’s Up to Us…Here and Now:

Just think…152,000 people lost from this preventable disease or disorder.  People in our lives will die.  We have a lot of work to do.  Funding and programs will only go so far.  Certainly, we have to encourage a change in the way budgets are allocated.Prevention first…at the very top priority…is the best and most worthwhile model to embrace. We cannot keep repeating mistakes of the past and expect different outcomes.  But there is a spiritual, community reality that we must embrace as a foundation for how we deal with the problem of addiction and substance abuse disorders.The one who suffers is not someone else but is each and every one of us.  If we are going to get beyond all of this, there is no other way to look at it.  Our wounds are shared.  We are all in this together.  Here and now, and in each and every moment, we should be asking the question ‘What can I do to help’.Then we will find an answer._________________________________Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast[/et_pb_team_member][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]

The Promise and Acceptance of Faith

“Faith’s only real demand on us is that we trustfully keep moving forward into the unknown.  How things turn out in the end is not up to us.” ~ Paula Huston

Walking the path of life, while maintaining faith, can be a tricky project.  There are so many distractions.  Alluring temptations of power, fame, and the savory or sensational wave us in their direction.  Pitfalls of disappointment, resentment, sadness and grief whisper to us that we are all alone.  These interferences lead us on a well-worn trail that is ego-driven and desolate. Faith becomes a meaningless notion when the results depend upon us.  After all, in the words of author Richard Leonard, SJ; “Where the hell is God?”  Where is God when we are tempted?  Where is God when we are full of grief?  Where is God when things go wrong?  Why are my prayers falling on deaf ears?  Why should we have such capricious faith anyway?

God is not distant.  This is the promise of faith.  The experience of living in the world with the pleasures and storms which come our way can be challenging.  There are no guarantees that things will be easy just because we have faith. What we have is a God who never leaves us.  We can go to the depths and rise to the heights but God hangs right in there.  The answer to the question ‘Where the hell is God’ comes as a gentle whisper saying; “I am with you always.  Everything I have is yours.”When we are battered and beaten, God is at our side.  When we fall and skin our knees, God is there to be with us.  We cannot be separated. Faith is simply an acceptance of that truth.

Today I will step out with the assurance that I am not stepping out on my own.  I am held in the arms of a loving God.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Justice, Mercy and Compassion

by Robert Kenneth Jones

“Fill the seats of justice

With good men, not so absolute in goodness

As to forget what human frailty is. ~ Thomas Noon Talfourd

How easy it is to judge those who annoy us and those who break the rules!  Of course, this is not some new phenomenon.  Human beings have been doing it since the beginning of time.  But today, we have made the judgment game a sensational and salacious sport.

The 24-hour cable ‘news’ programs are engaged in continual finger pointing and disdain of opposing points of view. They practically seduce us into paying attention and implore us to take sides.  We soon identify ourselves as virtuous and the other as unethical or evil.  We become engrossed when the powerful are mired in scandal and revile the outcast or marginalized who continue to cause trouble.  We become self-appointed judges, juries and executioners. 

“Pray that we might allow God to show us that compassion, mercy and forgiveness are far better than judgment.” ~ Drew Filkins

The people who are suffering and need our compassion and mercy the most too often receive our biased judgment. But who am I, and who are we, to judge? Consider the plight of our own personal brokenness.  

Each of us has made plenty of mistakes.  None of us will escape destructive patterns of behavior which, if scrutinized, could cause us to be condemned in one way or another. If we scorn those who suffer from addiction, ridicule those who have fallen into low places, criticize the homeless, blame the victims, or cast out the mentally ill, what are we doing but selfishly indulging misguided righteousness?Rather than offering mercy and compassion, we strike a blow of intolerance.  Perhaps it is really the scorned, broken and wounded spirits within us which are crying out for forgiveness.

Banner photo by Phillip LeConte

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast