Finding My Neighbor

We become neighbors when we are willing to cross the road for one another. There is so much separation and segregation: between black people and white people, between gay people and straight people, between young people and old people, between sick people and healthy people, between prisoners and free people, between Jews and Gentiles, Muslims and Christians, Protestants and Catholics, Greek Catholics and Latin Catholics. There is a lot of road crossing to do. ~ Henri Nouwen

Who is my neighbor? The question is never satisfied with a qualified answer. For some reason we struggle with it in so many ways.  Gun violence and murder in our schools, Black lives matter, Blue lives matter, and a cry of #metoo all plead the same question.  It has resonated in the hearts of people for more than two thousand years.  It can even be found as a scriptural directive.Bishop Michael Curry told us about the great commandment of love at the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.  He said; “Jesus of Nazareth on one occasion was asked by a lawyer to sum up the essence of the teachings of Moses, and he went back and reached back into the Hebrew scriptures to Deuteronomy and Leviticus and Jesus said you shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.”

The Good Samaritan shows us how to become a neighbor.  He crosses the road to help a stranger and takes the risk of reaching out to a perceived enemy.  The injured victim becomes a neighbor.  He is given kindness and compassion by a stranger where he had been ignored or avoided by his own people.  The neighbor generously rises above community expectations and common practice both in giving and receiving.Who is my neighbor today?  Possibilities for an answer will be presented to us around every corner.  We will have chances to cross the road on more than one occasion.  That friend who has become an irritation is waiting for the hand of forgiveness.  The young person who looked so threatening could use an encouraging word.The one who celebrates a religious practice unlike our own can be asked to lunch for an enlightening exchange of ideas.  The person of another race seeks our genuine brotherhood.  We cannot hope to receive love if we are not willing to give it.  We cannot claim to be members of the human family if we do not rise above that which causes separation.  We must cross the road and become a neighbor.

The world is waiting. Someday we will discover that everyone is our neighbor.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

How Trauma Is Killing Us: Understanding Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)

“If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.” ~ Richard Rohr

Another tragic mass shooting resulted in the deaths of ten people at Santa Fe High School near Houston on Friday, May 19, 2018. There have been 22 school shootings so far this year where someone was injured or died.

It is hard to comprehend.  There has been more than one shooting each week. What is going on? Our children are killing each other in a very public forum at the places where nurturing, learning and growing into good citizens should be happening for them all.

Instead, the threat and fear of death and violence is following them into every classroom.  Why do we adults seem powerless to put measures into effect that would change the situation immediately? We seem to be passively accepting that this is the new normal…that nobody is safe anywhere.  Of course, this is not true. My sense is that we are overwhelmed and don’t understand that unimaginable pain, mental illness and trauma are culprits behind all the violence.

I have learned a lot about (and from) kids through my professional involvement over the past four decades. Even though I would love to pour all of my experiences and wisdom shared by mentors and the kids themselves regarding childhood trauma into these pages, there would never be enough room.  So allow me to synthesize some of what I know about violent children and relate it to school shootings.

1. Childhood trauma is an underpinning of the rage which creates horrific violence.
2. Traumatized kids cannot imagine a future without more pain. Usually, they lead lives filled with current conditions of chaos and unpredictability leaving them continually re-damaged.
3. Aggressive behavior is the last survival behavior a kid uses. He has already tried to find relief in every other way.
4. No hopeful kid ever picked up guns or explosives, took them to school, and started a killing spree. Only hopelessness can create it.
5. No kid ever thought that killing his classmates and teachers would bring him attention and fame. He just wanted to die.

"The status quo is only interested in incessant judging, comparisons, measuring, scapegoating and competition." ~ Gregory Boyle

In each case, experts have lined up to offer all kinds of solutions.  Mostly they involve gun control of one kind or another on one side and the arming/hardening of schools on the other.  We seem to be stuck in debates which lead to very little action.  Unfortunately, almost all of the proposals are reactive.  Rather than putting our efforts into primary prevention, we seem bent on expending massive resources fighting a losing battle against the NRA or by turning schools into impenetrable fortresses.  I wrote a column several weeks ago about the folly of these tertiary interventions as they apply to our addiction epidemic.  The same applies when it comes to this problem.

Since childhood trauma, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), seem to have a causal relationship to violence and school shootings, I believe that we can develop screening and assessment protocols to identify at-risk people and circumstances.  We will then be able to change our modus operandi from blaming, shaming and punishing people to understanding, encouraging and healing them.

What are ACEs?

ACEs are Adverse Childhood Experiences.  These are events which occur before age 18 (most damaging are those which happen prior to age 6) and are beyond a young person’s control.  A lifetime of hardship and adversity can follow which could be passed on from generation to generation.

The principal types of ACEs are:

• Emotional, physical or sexual abuse
• Emotional and physical neglect
• Living in seriously troubled households (homes that have domestic violence, or mental and/or substance (alcohol or drug) disorders, or parental separation or divorce, or a family member who is incarcerated.

As the number of ACEs a youth experiences increase, so too does the risk for these health and mental health problems – often before they depart their teen years. The greater the number of ACEs a youth experiences, the greater is the likelihood of multiple problems. ACEs science clearly shows that childhood trauma results in adolescent and adult-onset of chronic physical and mental illness, violence, and being a victim of violence.

ACEs and the Extreme State

Most of us have been exposed to at least one ACE in our lives.  But very few of us can relate to the impact of real-life, hardcore trauma experiences which cause the ‘survival brain’ to take control of our behavior. Children who have suffered cigarette burns at the hands of parents or those who are abused sexually every night endure torture which most of us cannot imagine.   These events or series of events have been referred to as the extreme state by Dr. Corinne Gerwe.

Sigmund Freud theorized survival as a predominant driving factor in human behavior.  When trauma is experienced it is followed by an intense feeling such as fear or anger.  Physical symptoms follow like a racing heart or nausea.  The survival brain goes into high gear, virtually closing down the ‘learning brain’ sensing an emergency situation.  The behavior(s) which are enacted and relieve the intensity of the feeling is logged in the memory and become intrinsically linked to emotional survival.  They will be continually reactivated by their inter-related feeling/physical symptom states whenever the intense feeling shows up.  They can develop into persistent and often obsessive patterns that are not grounded in rational thinking or intention.  They can be described as behaviors that a person will swear never to do again and yet repeat despite attempts to resist.  These behaviors can be difficult to explain and even a mystery to the person enacting them as noted by Gerald M. Edelman in his 2003 study of neuronal consciousness.

Understanding ACEs and the extreme state should allow us to stop wasting time looking for scapegoats, endlessly searching for motives, slapping the dismissive labels of evil, loser, or bad guy on a person who has inflicted terrible damage.  It will enable our communities to own their part in violence when little has been done to prevent it.  Healing only occurs when we recognize the true nature of a problem, understand its defeating nature, and apply steps to change the way we deal with it.  Prevention is the only long term solution.

“Denial is perfectly beneficial until it’s not anymore.  Then we need to find a safe place to peel back the layers of our own pain.” ~ Gregory Boyle

Primary Prevention and Intervention Using ACEs

We have a golden opportunity to solve this most intractable school shooting problem as well as other less dramatic consequences of ACEs.  One community where systems are in place to change the dynamic is Memphis, Tennessee.  Their ACE Awareness Foundation takes a three-step approach.

1. Universal Parenting Places (UPP sites) ~ UPP sites are judgment-free zones where parents can go for help. They can talk with counselors, explore their own ACEs and learn how to alter their behaviors in their homes. Counseling is offered at no cost to the consumer. Research has shown that being able to trust another adult and “just let it out” helps people work through their experiences and take control. For some adults with a high ACE score, finding out that there may be a scientific reason their minds and bodies react in certain ways can also be liberating.
2. Parent Support Warm Line ~ At home, caregivers can call a free phone line (844-UPP-WARM) administered by Le Bonheur Children’s Hospital for guidance and support with parenting issues in real-time. It’s manned by licensed therapists who have trauma training. ACEs are more likely to occur during peak hours of parenting — late afternoon to bedtime — so the Warm Line is available for parents who need to talk through something or who just need a timeout.
3. Community Outreach ~ Healthcare providers, organizations and civic leaders attend workshops focused on creating trauma-informed citizens. The State of Tennessee has also held statewide summits and created task forces to combat the issue, creating ACE Awareness Partners.

“We envision a Memphis where everyone knows where to get the help they need. Every adult and child should be able to take control of their own destiny.” ~ Ellen Rolfes

The more we can do to prevent ACEs, the closer we will come to ending school violence, bullying, and even mass shootings.  With this in mind, I propose that every student in every school and every parent or caretaker should complete an ACEs assessment.  Those who are deemed at risk would receive immediate referral and help.  This is a full system change from intervention to prevention that won’t come easy. But we need to create a critical mass of people who understand ACEs, can speak that language and can take action.

The Work Has Already Begun

There are now 38 states and the District of Columbia who has done their own ACE surveys through the Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (BRFSS) since 2009.  The BRFSS is an ongoing data collection program designed to measure behavioral risk factors for the adult population (18 years of age or older) living in households.  The original Kaiser-CDC ACE Study began in 1995 and completed in 1997, but participants were followed for 20 years. New data on the more than 17,000 participants continue to be collected.

ACEs assessments and questionnaires are being used in education, healthcare, parenting programs, and juvenile justice systems around the country.  A group called ACEs Connection describes themselves as “a social network that accelerates the global movement toward recognizing the impact of adverse childhood experiences in shaping adult behavior and health, and reforming all communities and institutions -- from schools to prisons to hospitals and churches -- to help heal and develop resilience rather than to continue to traumatize already traumatized people.”  They have organized concise methods for communities to start up local ACEs Networks.

Below you will find pdf downloadable tools from my Google Drive that can be used to determine ACEs risk for adults, children, and teens. Start by finding your own ACE score. Let’s join the effort to bring about some real, long-lasting change.

ACEs Toolbox; Questionnaires and User Guide

ACEs User Guide

Finding Your (Adult) ACE Score

ACEs Child Questionnaire

ACEs Teen Questionnaire

ACEs Teen Self Report

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

God Shows Up

"God could easily give you grain and fruit without your plowing and planting. But He does not want to do so. . . . What else is all our work to God—whether in the fields, in the garden, in the city, in the house, in war, or in government—but just such a child’s performance, by which He wants to give His gifts in the fields, at home, and everywhere else? These are the masks of God, behind which He wants to remain concealed and do all things.” ~ Martin Luther

I have been writing and thinking about masks this week.There are so many psychologists and philosophers who teach of our tendencies to hide behind them.  Carl Jung’s concepts of individuation revolve around the integration of false and true self.  Masks are the symbol of our hiding, pretending, lies and illusions. I have come to believe that there are sacred disguises…human ones, ones presented in the beauty of nature, ones revealed in stars and sky…which are the Masks of God,

Martin Luther understood that God interacts with us and shows himself in countless ways beyond our understanding.  G. K. Chesterton wrote a verse about the ‘million masks of God’.  Joseph Campbell told Bill Moyers that the images of God are many.  He called them the masks of eternity that both cover and reveal the Face of Glory. I think this is at the heart of our existence and the center of an experience of being God’s Beloved Child.God shows up.  I have seen him in the eyes of men and women in a homeless shelter in Asheville.  I have been touched by him on the waiting wall by street kids in Fort Lauderdale.  I have heard his cry in the voices of those who suffer addictive illness.

God is not a remote deity who waits grumpily on a throne of judgment to pounce on our wrongdoings and many sins. He not only shows up as a vulnerable and broken savior who willingly dies on a cross, but also beckons us to follow him there.  He shows up as ‘angels unawares’ in ancient scripture. He reaches for our steadying hand in the person of our grandchild.  When we are told that God is omnipresent, this is what they are talking about.The masks of God are everywhere.  Look around.  God show up.  He tells us, in the words of the Prodigal Father to his resentful son; “I am with you always.  Everything I have is yours.”

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Loneliness; A Clear and Present Danger of Our Times

Much has been written and broadcast about the devastating Opioid Epidemic facing us.  The most recent data and statistics report increasing tens of thousands of individuals and families have suffered enormous losses.  But we are just beginning to understand that there is an underlying cause of this terrible crisis.Extreme loneliness just might be the powerful primary feeling fueling opioid, alcohol and other drug addiction. The sweeping problem is being called “The Loneliness Contagion” because it actually seems to be contagious.  John Cacioppo, PhD from the University of Chicago believes it is spreading from person to person like a disease. Though experienced inordinately among millennials, it is increasing across the generations.

Where Is This Loneliness Coming From?

Dr. Shannon Monnat says that we live in an era of individualism, disinvestment in social safety nets, declines in social cohesion, and increased loneliness.  Could it be that this is coming from a new kind of isolation due to social media?Isolation due to lots of time spent on social media sites while glued to cellphones is one of the reasons for decreasing real life interactions and what is being called Fear of Missing Out (FOMO).  Though there are multiple chatting contacts, swapping of photos and other kinds of interaction, people are feeling lonelier than ever.  This is strikingly similar to the social isolation commonly known as an experience affecting the elderly due to decreased mobility and loss of friends and partners. Despite the fact that younger people have massive quantities of friends online, this increasing loneliness stems from a decreasing quality of relationships.  In other words, a person may have a lot of friends but still find that their needs for social contact are not met.I remember playing a mean trick on a rather needy friend in college.  She couldn’t stand missing out on our group adventures.  One day we posted a sign outside of her dorm room saying; “We are out having fun without you.” All of us hid behind her door waiting for her arrival.  We heard her shuffling down the hall.  She stopped, read the note and brokenheartedly sighed. “Oh, No!”  Even though we burst through the door merrily giggling, she had a really hard time recovering from our prank. I’m not sure she ever really forgave us.

We have a fundamental need to belong.  This is what gives life meaning.  In order to feel a sense of belonging there must be the presence of real (skin-to-skin as opposed to virtual) relationships.  They must be based on mutual caring responses in which we feel loved and valued.  It is also necessary to have frequent interactions with other people.  Loneliness diminishes or disappears when we feel like we matter.One of my most profound memories of loneliness is of a time shortly after divorce.  I had moved back to Fort Lauderdale in hopes of re-centering my life.  A friend helped me find good digs in a little house to rent and a job to keep me busy.  For the first time in several weeks there seemed to be a light in the darkness.  I pulled into the driveway after a rather successful day at work, opened the door and shouted “I’m Home!” as was my custom when living with my ex-wife and kids.  Only emptiness replied.  I was alone…really alone…and the feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me.  My response was to pour myself into a bottle of bourbon.  And I kept pouring for a long time.

The Extreme State; Loneliness and Repetitious Behavior

“I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.and it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self,and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time,only time can help and patience, and a certain difficult repentancelong difficult repentance, a realization of life’s mistake,and the freeing oneself from the endless repetition of the mistake which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.” ~ D.H. Lawrence

Dr. Corinne Gerwe, PhD has done extensive research on what she calls the Extreme State.  Her research shows that loneliness can be a predominant feeling which is responsible for igniting addiction and chronic relapse.Her book, The Orchestration of Joy and Suffering: Understanding Chronic Addiction (Algora Publishing 2001), explores the relationship between childhood experiences resulting in extreme feelings and subsequent behaviors that relieve or diminish the intensity of the feelings.  She demonstrates that the behavior patterns, including addiction can persist throughout a lifetime.  She also outlines unique treatment methods.I worked with Dr. Gerwe for several years.  We found that when loneliness is experienced in the extreme (or for long durations) that the brain begins to search for relief found in behaviors.  Neuronal pathways provide quick solutions to resolve or lessen the intensity of the feeling.  Even behaviors which have proven to be destructive such as drug and alcohol abuse are repeated and repeated (as D. H. Lawrence explains in his poem).It is a cycle that feeds on itself.  For example, one set of behaviors that results from loneliness is isolating oneself.  It would seem counterintuitive yet is one of the most common responses.  As a person withdraws from the world, isolates and avoids, they become even lonelier and more likely to use opioids and other drugs/alcohol.  Is it any wonder that powerful opioids, which practically eliminate physical/emotional pain and suffering are being used to combat chronic loneliness?  Is it any wonder why that might be contagious?

Health Issues Result from Loneliness

Loneliness is killing us…and not only through an opioid epidemic. It has been reported by Richard Lang, MD of Cleveland Clinic that loneliness affects 60 million Americans and that chronic loneliness poses a serious health risk. New research suggests that loneliness and social isolation are as much a threat to your health as obesity and smoking cigarettes. It can impair cognitive performance, compromise the immune system, and increase the risk for vascular, inflammatory, and heart disease.  A recent study also indicates that loneliness makes people more likely to develop Type 2 diabetes.Loneliness is one of the feelings most associated with suicide.  Being socially isolated from society can take a toll on mental health and lead a person to become depressed and consider suicide. Socializing and interacting with other people is a basic human need. If social needs are not met, a person can start to feel lonely which leads to depression and possibly suicidal thoughts.Finally, studies show that loneliness increases the risk for early death by 45 percent and the chance of developing dementia in later life by 64 percent. On the other hand, people who have strong ties to family and friends are as much as 50 percent less at risk of dying over any given period of time than those with fewer social connections.There seems to be no doubt that loneliness is an epidemic, a contagion and one of the most serious health risks facing us today.  So, what can we do as Chaplains, pastors, social workers, healthcare providers, friends and family to help turn the tide?

How Relationships Defeat Loneliness“Keep in mind that to avoid loneliness, many people need both a social circle and an intimate attachment. Having just one of two may still leave you feeling lonely.” ~ Gretchen Rubin

There are two basic remedies for loneliness:

1. We must have and develop strong skin-to-skin relationships. It’s not about the number of ‘friends’ we have on FaceBook. We can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. There is undeniable benefit to real time interaction, play, work and social gatherings with people we care about.

2. We need to belong. Our special communities such as religious organizations, 12 Step Groups, hobby circles, fraternal societies and other intimate gatherings are like a transfusion for loneliness. This is not about activities. We can go from event to event or meeting to meeting and still be lonely. A sense of belonging, really being an integral part of something, is what’s critical.

I counseled a young man who was suffering from intense loneliness.  He had just started his freshman year at a local college and had changed from a happy, confident, outgoing high schooler to an isolated, self-conscious, anxiety ridden guy.  All of his friends had gone away to other schools and he was the only one left behind.  There were no more service clubs or sports teams in his life.  His studies were going nowhere.  Jeff was considering suicide.  It was not that he was alone.  He had a roommate, lived in a busy dorm, had joined an intermural football squad and was attending church on campus. He was a busy as he could be. But there were no real quality personal or community relationships.  He might as well have been a hermit for the overwhelming loneliness he was experiencing.Jeff’s situation is not uncommon. Senior citizens who retire from their life’s work know well what he was going through. Folks who relocate to another part of the country for great work opportunities understand it. Suddenly, what I call a ‘peopled life’ becomes vacant. The answer cannot be found by busying oneself.  For Jeff, and all the lonely people, the solution lies in connecting and creating personal relationships through belonging to meaningful community.  A feeling of being understood and valued creates a closeness that is being craved in loneliness.This closeness doesn’t have to be something that happens randomly or by accident.  For Jeff, we connected with a religious fraternal campus organization.  He joined and was embraced by the members.  He had a new family of friends.  He also began attending AA meetings at a nearby community center.  There he found other people who were struggling just like him.  The members met for coffee and had frequent social events.  His loneliness faded into oblivion.  It was as simple as that.  Community is within our control to create.This contagion or epidemic of loneliness can practically be eliminated. Parents can be alert to the fact that filling our kids’ lives with activities is not always the answer.  Quality play time with a friend or friends (yes...unsupervised by adults) is what is needed.  Chaplains can spot the isolated LEO and help direct him or her to the right organizations.  It might be a great idea to establish support groups right in the workplace as well. We have the power to help others find the way out of loneliness…and we all have the power to stop feeling lonely. That power is found in real relationships.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

A Choice For Happiness

[et_pb_section bb_built="1"][et_pb_row][et_pb_column type="4_4"][et_pb_text _builder_version="3.2"]The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.” ~ James OppenheimWe have choices to make.  They lie before us waiting for fulfillment.  Each of us has the ability to be happy and set out to make happiness happen.Despite the problems and woes that have littered life…despite the things that are looming in the distance…we can still make the decision to be happy and to create happiness around us.  There is no magic formula.  It is just about deciding to accept the people, places and things surrounding us as being just the way they are.  We can complain and whine over our circumstances or celebrate the fact that we survived despite (or because) of them.  Happiness is an inside job and the choice to recognize that truth is ours to make.I hear people grumble so often that someone has made them unhappy.  Something happened years ago which ruined their lives.  Losses and tragedies have made it impossible to allow for real happiness.  There is not enough money.  There is nobody to love.  There is no fun at work.On and on we look for happiness outside of ourselves only to be disappointed when it is fleeting.  Only the false self or ego drives us to find happiness anywhere but within our own hearts.  We are immersed in the real happiness for which we were created.  We have the freedom to choose to allow God to be God and accept the contents of the moment as a reason to celebrate being alive.Make the decision now.  Be happy.  Work for happiness in all you do and say.  You might be surprised as it abundantly rains down and all around as a result.[/et_pb_text][et_pb_team_member admin_label="Robert Kenneth Jones" name="Robert Kenneth Jones" position="Columnist" image_url="https://chaplainusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/robert.jpg" facebook_url="https://www.facebook.com/KenJonesBoy" linkedin_url="https://www.linkedin.com/in/robert-kenneth-jones-8861183/" _builder_version="3.0.101" saved_tabs="all" animation="off" background_layout="light" global_module="26968"]Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast[/et_pb_team_member][/et_pb_column][/et_pb_row][/et_pb_section]

A Mother's Love

"But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin." ~ Mitch Albom

Our mothers give us life. 

Nurtured and developed as one from our conception to birth, we spend the rest of our time separating.  We yearn for her embrace and reject it over and over.  We bless her for her kindness and protection, and then curse her for embarrassing and smothering us.  We run back to her for kisses yet flee her when we are ‘busy’.

There are so many complications in our relationships.  That same giver of life, however, never gives up on us, never grows truly weary of our bothers and always hopes and prays for us.

I have been given the great blessing of witnessing generations of mothers in my family.  My daughters have given birth to my grandsons and granddaughters.

Five years ago my wife and I went to be with my youngest after the birth of her first child, Jack.  The way she looked down at her little guy with that wondrous frown of delight, her tenderness, soothing words, pleasure in her husband, and hourly sacrifices made me remember her mother.  I see her in her Mama’s arms and something inside of me sees my mom and grandmother doing the same things through the ages.

I have experienced the transformation of my daughter-in-law as she moves from work to home summoning effortlessly the energy and happiness of raising and playing with our two granddaughters in Memphis.  Then I remember playing with my own mother and grandmother on the floor as a little one.

My dear wife mothers her children, her grandchildren, her former students and her wayward husband ceaselessly and I am awed. There is never a day that goes by without her compassionate words of encouragement.

I experienced the passing of my sister-in-law a few years ago.  Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren grieved her loss and celebrated her life together. Her grace remains with each of them as time goes on.

On this Mother’s Day, all of this reminds me that our mothers are truly to be called blessed forever.  The love they give is more than we can ever return. So, today I will pray for all mothers.  I will remember their love that gives us life.

_______________________

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Banner Photo by Randy Rooibaatjie on Unsplash

Our Obligation to Privacy; Offering the Seal of Confidentiality

I woke up a few mornings ago, fumbled for my IPhone to check the ‘urgent’ message flash on its’ screen, and found that Twitter was advising me to protect my privacy.  It seems that a virtual bug of some kind exposed their users to hackers by showing passwords in plain text.

Oh, horror!  I complied quickly...and you should too Mr. President.  Who knows what fake news might be transmitted in your tweets. 

I recovered from my cyber-panic rather quickly as a little chuckle came from my inner Bob.  None of the social media outlets like Twitter, Face Book, Google+, LinkedIn even existed twenty years ago. My privacy worries in 1998 were more concerned with who might see through our windows with the drapes wide open.

The only thing that I can think of which corresponds with current qualms about privacy was when folks dug deep in the early 1950’s to get a private telephone line so that nosey people might not overhear their conversations on less expensive party lines. My maternal grandfather always had a little quip to offer.  When asked how he felt about the lack of privacy on party lines he said; “You shouldn’t go skinny dipping if you’re worried people will see you naked.” That kind of says it all.

Millions of us proudly throw ourselves (wearing-only-a-selfie-smile) into a collective cyber lake showing everyone anything they want to see. Then we gripe about privacy and confidentiality. If transparency is what we want, privacy will be sacrificed. You just can’t have it both ways.

Privacy and Confidentiality; What’s The Difference?

The terms Privacy and Confidentiality are sometimes used interchangeably but there is a distinct difference.  Just about everybody has some desire for freedom from public scrutiny. We want to share information deemed private at varying degrees depending on our own boundaries and need for personal space.  These are the issues surrounding privacy and confidentiality. So, what is the difference?

• Privacy is the right to be let alone in personal matters and limits public access.
• Confidentiality refers to a state where an expectation of trust is established between parties that information/records will be kept secret within the parameters of their informed, expressed, often written, agreement.

In other words, Privacy is about a person and Confidentiality is about information.

Privacy; From Being Available to Being On-Demand

The fourth amendment to the constitution which secures our right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure is also cited as the basis of our right to privacy. But is a real expectation of privacy even possible in the age of technology?  An Op-Ed Piece in the New York Times announced “The End of Privacy” in October 2017.  It reminded me of The Times famous article in January 1966 stating that “God Is Dead.”  We often rush to sensational observations.  Traditional notions of God were changing in the 1960’s and our understanding of Privacy is changing in this era.  We are continually evolving.

Several years ago I accompanied a friend to the porch of an elderly gentleman in the remote mountains of Western North Carolina.  The man’s son asked us to intervene in a rather sensitive family situation.  Mr. Caldwell was nearing 90 and living alone at the cabin in which he had been born.  His wife had died many years earlier.  One of his seven children lived on a section of land nearby, but worried about his aging father.

Mr. Caldwell refused to have a telephone.  When Mathias, the son, contracted with AT&T to install a line, the service man was met at the door with a shotgun aimed at his midsection and orders to “git offa my land”.  My friend and I went over to mediate a couple of days later.  Steve talked to him about how nice it might be to be able to pick up a phone to call Mathias anytime he wanted to say “Hey” and check up on the grandkids.

Mr. Caldwell seemed to agree and thought that would be a really nice convenience.  I asked him if it might be okay to set up another service installation to which Mr. Caldwell said “Hell no!”  I responded that I thought he liked the idea of calling up Mathias.  He responded that it sure might be nice, but on the other hand, Mathias could also call him up anytime he wanted.

The thought of random telephone ringing and family involvement was like an invasion and “an end of peace and serenity.”  Mr. Caldwell died several years later with no telephone but plenty of self-directed privacy.  If Mathias and any of the family ever wanted to make contact with him they just made their way to the house.

Our evolution from Mr. Caldwell’s concept of telephone privacy to cellphones becoming a fifth appendage and being always on-call is dramatic to say the least.  We have to be reminded constantly to silence or turn them off in churches, businesses and theatres.  They are a part of every meal and activity, buzzing and ringing us to respond to a text or pending conversation. We have increasingly accepted and embraced this intrusion.  Now, it seems there are concerns that the devices have become addictive. The average American adult spent about 2 hours and 51 minutes on their smartphone every single day in 2017. So much for privacy as we once knew it.

What I’m getting at here is that even though we have every cause to be alarmed at massive amounts of personal information being hacked from our merchants, healthcare and service providers, we have made a choice to provide easy, on-demand, real time access to all of this data.  There are a number of ways to protect information stored on smartphones by simply restricting privacy and location settings. You don’t have to share everything on social media outlets like Face Book.  You can limit who can see/share your information by deciding who can access it.  Privacy should be honored and respected by corporations and by the techno-world.  Every effort should be made to continually improve safety of information and to foil hackers.  But it is incumbent upon each of us to create our own limits and boundaries as well. Remember what Grandpa said about skinny dipping.

Confidentiality; A Seal of Promise and Trust

Chaplains, Clergy, Attorneys, Social Workers, Substance Abuse Professionals, Therapists and Healthcare Professionals are well instructed in matters of confidentiality.  It has become so important that I have started calling the relationship established as The Seal of Confidentiality (like the Seal of the Confessional known to Roman Catholics). All fifty states, the District of Columbia, and the federal government have enacted statutory privileges providing that at least some communications between clergyman and parishioners are privileged. In United States law, confessional privilege is a rule of evidence that forbids the inquiry into the content or even existence of certain communications between clergy and church members. It grows out of the First Amendment to the Constitution. Common law and statutory enactments may vary from place to place.

The ethical principle of confidentiality requires that information shared with a clergy member, healthcare worker, counselor or therapist in the course of the professional relationship or treatment is not shared with others. This principle promotes an environment of trust and reinforces honest and open disclosure by the client, patient or parishioner. Exceptions to confidentiality exist when it conflicts with the professional's duty to warn or duty to protect. This includes instances of suicidal or homicidal ideation (with plans) as well as child, elder or disabled/dependent adult abuse. All-in-all, there are five generally recognized exceptions to the seal of confidentiality referred to as the Five C’s.

1. Consent; A professional may release confidential information with the consent of the patient or a legally authorized designee (parent, guardian, or medical surrogate).
2. Court Order; Confidential information can be released upon the receipt of an order by a court of competent jurisdiction. A subpoena may not meet the standard for release in many places.
3. Continued Treatment; A clinician may release confidential information necessary for the continued treatment of a patient. This exception is recognized by HIPAA.
4. Comply with the Law; A professional may reveal confidential information in order to comply with mandatory reporting statutes as mentioned above (abuse).
5. Communicate a Threat; This is known as the Tarasoff Exception to confidentiality. It exacts a professional’s duty to protect others from violence from a client/patient.

We must be ever vigilant and serious in our confidentially sealed relationships.  It can be easy to compromise by disclosing information to other interested parties when the situation seems important or worthwhile.

In my role as a Clinical Director at a residential hospital based substance abuse treatment center in North Carolina, I was once faced with the daunting choice of disclosing or not disclosing confidential information to a local chief prosecutor.  The attorney and I had a good working relationship and casual friendship.  One day he called me at my office to inquire about whether a certain fugitive was a patient in our facility.  I responded that due to federal and state confidentiality laws I could not give him that information.  Of course he knew this to be true, but continued to press the matter by saying that he could arrest me for not telling him of the persons whereabouts.

I told him that he was putting me in a situation of obstructing justice (by his definition) on one hand or violating federal statute on the other.  Either way, I was could find myself behind bars. He was angry when I denied his request saying that he would serve the executive director and me with a subpoena.  Then he became furious when I told him that a subpoena was not good enough.  Within thirty minutes the prosecutor showed up at the hospital with his document in hand accompanied by several squad cars and a SWAT team.

They forced their way into the treatment center, practically running over the 140 pound middle aged executive director.  After a search of all the patients, the suspect was finally found hiding in the cafeteria.  Though successful in his endeavor, the prosecutor was fired several weeks later for his violation of federal and state statutes. Neither the director nor I were charged or arrested in the matter. It took a long time to reestablish therapeutic trust with our patients. To say that I take the seal of confidentiality seriously is a gross understatement.

Many of us who serve people in some kind of counseling relationship have established Best Practices that I would recommend to everyone:

• Make sure that any confidentiality forms are properly signed, dated and witnessed according to the requirements of the organization you represent.
• Review the documents thoroughly with the client at least every six months. It is an even better idea to draft a new one if possible.
• Start every session reminding the client of the confidentiality of information he/she is about to disclose.
• Make sure that any kind of disclosure transmitted electronically has a statement of confidentiality attached. Below is a sample of such a statement I use in every email. Feel free to copy it.

Confidentiality Notice

This message is intended exclusively for the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain information that is proprietary, privileged, confidential, or otherwise legally exempt from disclosure. You are only authorized to read, print, retain, copy or disseminate this message (or any part of it) if you are the named addressee. Please notify the sender immediately either by phone at (your number) or by reply to this e-mail if you have received it in error. Delete all copies of this message if it is not intended for your use.

We All Need Someone in Times of Trouble

Respect for privacy and good confidentiality practices are the basic ingredients of trust which make counseling or other professional relationships work.  Police officers need to be able to turn to Chaplains without worry when they share their vulnerability or grief.  Folks who struggle with addiction have to be able to disclose the things they have done in secret to a trusted therapist knowing that family members will not be told without informed consent.

When we make sure that these policies and procedures are followed to the letter, our clients will feel safe to come to us with the burdens that weigh them down.  Carl Jung went so far as to say that such therapeutic relationships are sacred in nature.  And so they are.  We have been entrusted with the inner lives of those we serve.

Banner Photo by Rafal Jedrzejek on Unsplash

A Little Help From My Friends

“Enveloped in Your Light, may I be a beacon to those in search of Light. Sheltered in Your Peace, may I offer shelter to those in need of peace. Embraced by Your Presence, so may I be present to others.” ~ Rabbi Rami Shapiro

The life we live contains day and night, light and darkness.  We cannot have one without the other. 

This is no startling revelation.  Most of the time we can make it through the dark times, knowing full well they will pass.  But then there are those times when it seems the light will never shine again.  It feels as if we have dropped into a black hole, suspended in mid-air, and nothing will dispel our sadness and grief.

We become desperate and despondent.  We sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness.  Our eyes strain for some glimmer.  It is then that the one who carries a candle appears.  He comes to our side with words of encouragement and shows us the way to safety.  Soon dawn will come and night gives way to day.

“Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.” ~ Desiderius Erasmus

Our responsibility is to become the one who carries light in the darkness.  When we have been rescued, it is our job to become a rescuer.  When we have been saved, we are obligated to bring saving grace.  It is far too easy to dust ourselves off, utter some words of gratitude and run along.

Experiences of great trouble and subsequent redemption are not to be wasted by simply maintaining the status quo.  There is no purpose to having survived and thrived if all we do is carry on.  Plenty of other people are suffering the same things we suffered.  We are called to light another candle and bring it to someone who is crying in the darkness.

Live In This Sacred Moment

“To let the moment teach us, we must allow ourselves to be at least slightly stunned by it until it draws us inward and upward, toward a subtle experience of wonder.” ~ Richard Rohr

All of eternity has been waiting for this moment.  Life has deposited us right here, right now.  We should be filled with wonder and awe.  The secret is to look to this incredible moment for all that you have desired and dreamed.  For these things cannot be held in yesterday’s memories.  Though they may have been fully realized, that bird has flown.They cannot be found in the mist of many tomorrows.  Though they are ripe with promise, they do not yet exist.  Now is the time. Today is the day.  Real promise is unfolding.  Opportunities are presenting themselves.  People are holding out their hands with gifts and offerings.  Everything we ever needed, wanted and anticipated has been awaiting our arrival.

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.” ~ William W. Purkey

The sacred moment is here.  Can we deny the amazing prospects that are open to us?  Sure we can.  But what a waste it would be.  Rise and shine.  The door is open!  Let’s dance through it with a song of joy and hope on our lips.  Now is the time to make Life Wonderful!

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Seeking Humility

“We still need to contend with the original prejudice that some people are important and others don’t count. Our ego clings to self-importance and puts us on a path that draws us further from our soul’s truth. Humility can keep us from moving into this territory.” ~ Fr. Gregory Boyle, S.J.

Humility appears to be in short supply these days.  Posturing for recognition and struggling for praise are constantly on display as people in power shout that one side (our side) is better than the other. This arrogance does not align with any spiritual tradition ever practiced.  No religion has a theology of pretentiousness.The humble Jesus, for example, empties himself for the sake of humankind.  He does not seek validation, nor does he cling to his authority.  He is willing to be mocked and sacrificed rather than accept a position of power over those who would be his enemies.But despite the directives of faith traditions, many of us have made it a mission to elevate ourselves by driving down the ‘others’. The results have not been good.  So where can we find a healthy dose of humility?

"The way of God consists, first, of humility, second, of humility, and third, of humility. No matter how often you would ask me, I would say the same.” ~ Saint Augustine

One place to find humble hope is around addiction recovery circles.  These folks hold a mirror up for us which reflects true humility.  Their very lives depend on complete commitment to humility.  In order to overcome the chronic symptoms of the disease, they open themselves to rigorous self-examination with a personal commitment to honesty.Having experienced long periods of humiliation, there is a deep desire to not go there again. By finding humility in 12 Steps, they discover the life-saving difference between it and humiliation.  They cast aside false pride in favor of kinship and community.  Deadly secrets are disposed of in favor of gentle honesty, transparency and acceptance.  Self-seeking slips away. A friend of mine who attended a 12 Step meeting in support of someone made a statement I’ll never forget.  He said after the session; “That was incredible. I think everyone should go to AA meeting.

There can be no more worries about the perspectives, opinions and attitudes that others might have when we have surrendered to a virtuous life of humility.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Graying of Baby Boomers; Some Challenges of Ageing in the 21st Century

I found myself thinking about aging and the issues facing us as the percentage of our population becomes older every year.  It was a sudden jolt when it came to me that the subject not only concerns me but that it is about me.  I am a member of the generation of people born between 1946 -1964 called The Baby Boomers.

World War Two ended and, as the soldiers and sailors came home to start a new life, we showed up in droves.  The 1968 cult movie “Wild in the Streets” boasted our political strength and societal influence in a song called “52 percent” claiming we were a majority of the world’s population.  Now we are reaching 65 at a rate of 10,000 every day.This statistic is important because as more and more boomers are reaching ‘senior status’ significant challenges face us all. Among them are economic hardships, an overly burdened healthcare system and an alarming rise in elder abuse. But this graying of my generation does not have to be a shipwreck. We all have a role in accepting and embracing a demographic shift that has potential to provide wisdom, perspective and humor to a culture that is moving too fast and which might take itself a little too seriously.

“I knew if I waited around long enough something like this would happen.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Let me add a personal reflection before launching any further into my curated column subject matter.  I have become a student of ageing by receiving on-the-job training.  One of the things I have learned is that Bernard Shaw's famous line alleged to be a musing about death is not inscribed on a tombstone because he was cremated and scattered in his garden around a statue of St. Joan. So, I have adopted it to increase my sense of humor about getting old.  It happens if you hang around long enough.  Body parts are not going to work the way they did ten years ago...or perhaps not even as well as they did yesterday. Getting up off the floor after playing with my dog, Wrigley, has some of the same challenges that running wind sprints had when I was in high school. The mind, who still thinks I'm 20, plays funny little games with me.  One of its' favorite tricks is to erase any memory of why I walked into a room just as I arrive.Simple is not always simple any more when you reach these golden years.  But, beyond the fact that humor is a necessity in accepting and embracing older age, I have discovered that life has a symmetry.Nothing happened by mistake.  Every moment, each event, all of the celebrations and tragedies led me to this moment.  And so, life is sacred.  This is what we are called to impart to the younger ones and to each other.  Chaplains, pastors, counselors and health care providers especially have this important message to pass on. So I will say it one more time...with gusto; Life is sacred.

The Facts and Figures to Absorb As So Much of Society Gets Old

Perhaps the most definitive information was provided to us in a report by the World Health Organization in 2015.  It stated that:

“With advances in medicine helping more people to live longer lives, the number of people over the age of 60 is expected to double by 2050 and will require radical societal change – rising from 900 million in 2015 to 2 billion by 2050…governments must ensure policies that enable older people to continue participating in society and that avoid reinforcing the inequities that often underpin poor health in older age.”

The Census Bureau issued a similar study in 2014 with sobering charts and graphs which indicate far reaching changes is the makeup of our national mix.  And the process is speeding up. They report that declines in fertility and mortality rates are hastening the shift, leading to what are expected to be profound changes for issues ranging from Social Security and health care to education. So there you have it. We won’t be able to discount, delay, deny, and wiggle out of this…or to call it ‘fake news’.  As they say in 12 Step Recovery Groups; “Denial works until it doesn’t.”

We Will Need to Redesign Healthcare and Senior Services

Although an aging population undoubtedly places pressure on policymakers as they seek to stem rising health care costs, insufficient attention has been focused on new approaches designed to improve community-based services, quality of life, and mobility across the life course. Forbes recently called the problems facing our changing demographics as a “defining issue of our time.”As the number of older adults continues to grow, public health professionals will have to find innovative ways to meet the multiple needs of this population, as well as to address the shortage of professionals trained in aging and to help relieve the often overwhelming demands placed on caregivers and family members.Things are starting to happen which make me think solutions will ultimately abound.  Sweden is among the nations that are rising up to meet the short and long term needs of senior citizens.  Public and private sectors are cooperating in an effort to provide housing, quality medical treatment, professional geriatric training, transportation services for its’ graying population.  They are providing an excellent template for the rest of the world. Companies like Google have started to tackle the issues surrounding this.

In 2013 it launched Calico, a new company focused on health and well-being. Chief Executive Larry Page said that Calico will attempt to tackle the universal challenge of aging and related diseases. He went on to declare that; "These issues affect us all -- from the decreased mobility and mental agility that comes with age, to life-threatening diseases that exact a terrible physical and emotional toll on individuals and families. And while this is clearly a longer-term bet, we believe we can make good progress within reasonable time scales with the right goals and the right people." There is always hope when we make a decision to do the right thing. Our policymakers must join the effort before it becomes another fire to put out.

Elder Abuse; A Horrible Symptom Growing in Proportion to Global Graying

It is heartbreaking to see a once active, vibrant, person fall victim to an abuser or abusers when ageing robs them of independence.  I’ve seen my share of it over the years.  Every once in a while the problem hits the headlines.  High-profile elder abuse cases, like that of Mickey Rooney, Casey Kasem, and Brooke Astor, show families fighting for money and power while a formerly adoring public remained clueless. Mickey Rooney was actually denied necessities like food and water while his stepchildren drained his bank account. Abuse can happen to any older person but is most frequently reported as occurring with those who are frail and mentally compromised. The rich are not immune.Perhaps there was a kind of global awakening to the enormous crisis of elder abuse when The United Nations General Assembly designated June 15th as World Elder Abuse Awareness Day. This is to be one day in the year when the whole world voices its opposition to the abuse and suffering inflicted to some of our older generations.  It’s about time!It is incumbent upon Chaplains, Social Workers, Healthcare Providers and other professionals to be attentive and to take action. The World Health Organization tells us that 1 in 6 seniors are victims of various kinds of abuse which include;

• Physical abuse happens when someone causes bodily harm by hitting, pushing, or slapping.

• Emotional/Psychological abuse, can include a caregiver saying hurtful words, yelling, threatening, or repeatedly ignoring the older person. Keeping that person from seeing close friends and relatives is another form of emotional abuse.

• Financial abuse, happens when money or belongings are stolen. It can include forging checks, taking someone else's retirement and Social Security benefits, or using another person's credit cards and bank accounts. It also includes changing names on a will, bank account, life insurance policy, or title to a house without permission from the older person.

• Neglect occurs when the caregiver does not try to respond to the older person's needs.

• Abandonment is leaving a senior alone without planning for his or her care.

• Sexual abuse involves a caregiver forcing an older adult to watch or be part of sexual acts.

• Healthcare fraud can be committed by doctors, hospital staff, and other healthcare workers. It includes overcharging, billing twice for the same service, falsifying Medicaid or Medicare claims, or charging for care that wasn't provided.

What are the warning signs of elder abuse?

• Has trouble sleeping

• Seems depressed or confused

• Loses weight for no reason

• Displays signs of trauma, like rocking back and forth

• Acts agitated or violent

• Becomes withdrawn

• Stops taking part in activities he or she enjoys

• Has unexplained bruises, burns, or scars

• Looks messy, with unwashed hair or dirty clothes

• Develops bed sores or other preventable conditions

• Unexplained, strained or tense relationships; frequent arguments between the caregiver and older adult.

• Sudden changes in financial situations. This abuse costs older Americans $36.5 billion per year.

One more appalling fact…elders who have been abused have a 300% higher risk of death when compared to those who have not been mistreated.I have been a caregiver and it isn’t easy.  When I began researching the topic of the graying of my generation as it concerns elder abuse, I began to feel guilty.  Had I abused my mother or my wife when I was trying to be a good son/husband?  My irresponsible handling of my mother’s assets during her terminal illness caused her to suffer.  My denial of my wife’s inability to do some things during her rehabilitation process probably caused her to feel isolated and misunderstood.  None of this was premeditated or intentional.  I was trying to do my best.  But caring for a loved one involves many stressors which can be damaging to both parties since it is usually a long term challenge. There is a good quiz to measure the level of your caregiver stress.  It has proven to be a big help to many people.I found that it is crucial to ask for and get help.  No matter how stressful your caregiving responsibilities or how bleak your situation seems, there are plenty of things you can do to ease your stress levels, regain your balance, and start to feel positive and hopeful again. The alternative could be to hit a breaking point and fall into abusive behaviors with a loved one.

What the Elderly Have To Offer'

What a waste it would be to allow the elders to become, as David Zahl worries, “The Last, the Least, the Lost, the Little and the Old.” There is so much wisdom to be tapped and so many dusty diamonds to be brushed off.  Boomers are pessimistic about being honored by their children and grandchildren despite what has been called a “gentler generation gap” by Pew Research.After all, we weren’t all that good and uncovering the treasures of our parents Greatest Generation.  I remember a story told by Robert Bly in which he was asked to interview a renowned nuclear scientist from the WWII era.  Robert made a trek up to Maine where the long-retired genius lived.  He began by making an apology to the man saying he was sure that young students had been a continual bother to his serenity.  The old man replied; “I have been here for thirty years.  No one has come.”There is a terrific book by Henry Alford called “How to Live: A Search for Wisdom from Old People (While They Are Still on This Earth).” Alford was moved by the wisdom of his 79 year old mother.  He interviewed her along with people like Harold Bloom, Phyllis Diller as well as a woman who walked across the US at age 89, authors, pastors and others.

He became convinced that older people are indeed wise and have much to offer us. I was fortunate enough to have a grandfather who inspired us to pay attention.  Roy H. Jones was born in 1875 and lived until 1972.  His father was born in 1816.  His two generational wisdom spanning 150 years was freely tapped through his good humor, motto, sayings and philosophy (“Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry and Don’t Hate”).  His family took him seriously.  To this day he is quoted by his many descendants.  We believe that there is a storehouse of riches waiting to be revealed in the lives and stories of the older generations. There are many reasons to listen and seek them out.

Boomers are the newest gatekeepers of great wisdom. And we are waiting. The next time a holiday or special event enables you to gather together with extended family, take the opportunity to make real contact by asking and listening. Spend some time face to face.  All the texting, emailing, FaceBooking, and FaceTiming can take a back seat to the close encounter of a family kind. You may find some information that will give deeper insight into who you really are.  What a gift to be given and to receive. This is what we long to offer.

_________________Banner photo by Phillip LeConte at www.Arkdog.comVideo clip from documentary "The Power of Myth" originally broadcast as six one-hour conversations between mythologist Joseph Campbell (1904–1987) and journalist Bill Moyers.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Tribes; Losing and Rediscovering Kinship in a Time of Widening Polarization

There is a natural inclination for people with similar characteristics and like-mindedness to congregate. We are tribal beings after all.

Our tribes enabled humans to survive hostilities over the eons.  Even the challenges we face today draw us to those of similar status and values. It is in these modern-day tribes that we form comfortable bonds of friendship. Our social networks, business and community groups welcome us.  We are nurtured and provided with a sense of belonging and kinship. Over the past few years, there has been a call from authors and social scientists to ‘find your tribe’ due to increasing isolation in the internet age. But there is a worrisome downside to all of this as well. In his book, The Big Sort: Why the Clustering of Like-Minded America Is Tearing Us Apart, Bill Bishop provides a breakdown of how our tribes are making it far less likely for us to consider views different from our own. He points out that when we are surrounded by people who agree with us, our views become more and more resolute and extreme. We tend to denounce those who are different and competing ideas are considered invalid. In tribal extremes, binary or dualistic thinking becomes dominant and inclusivity becomes almost impossible.

Our First Tribes; That Old Gang of Mine

We don’t get to choose our family tribe, but as children move out from the home to school and the community at large, we begin to form attachments, and friendships emerge through play. These relationships influence behavior and we become powerfully motivated to be a part of a peer group.  We form what I call a chosen tribe. My own consisted of neighbor boys, all about seven years of age, and who lived within the confines of a city block.  Our beliefs were dualistic. We determined what was good, bad, moral, evil, acceptable and unacceptable.  Good guys wore white hats.  Americans were moral. Nazi’s and The Imperial Japanese Navy were evil. Protestants were acceptable and those with other religious beliefs unacceptable (and probably going to hell). Our first challenge to ‘us versus them’ binary thinking came when two Roman Catholic kids were admitted to our gang.  We liked them and they were good at baseball. Our parents were okay with it even though we were not allowed to go to their church nor were we invited to ours. This ever so slight shift in the dominant view actually began to open each of us to the prospect of including others. Despite later adolescent fear of being ostracized and rejected for ever-expanding and diversifying our choice of friends, each of the original tribes became young men who accepted and honored differences in others. And it has continued into our middle and old age. Tribes can open us or close us up.

Our Oneness and Common Bonds

So how can any of us embrace uniqueness found in tribes while recognizing, including and honoring diversity and differences? An answer can be found in spiritual and scientific oneness. For example, while fingerprints may point to uniqueness, our DNA connects us to a widening family of people and places beyond our imagination. Jesus challenges his followers through word and personal example to include the poor, the sick, the tax collector, the rich, and the despised into a great banquet feast.  He asks us to love neighbor as self. If we want to make a society work it must be expanded beyond, while not excluding, the tribes that make us feel safe and welcomed. Finding the things that unite us and underscoring our sacred humanity is the key to kinship. But this will require an openness to do so.  Our deep divisions in politics, religion, economics (and seemingly every other facet of life) play out on television and social media every day.

“One thing we know - there is only one God. No man, be he Red man or White man, can be apart. We ARE all brothers after all." ~ Chief Seattle

I was watching an interview with Joseph Campbell by Bill Moyers when I first heard the words of Chief Seattle’s 1855 letter to the U.S. President. Those interviews, called The Power of Myth, were presented on PBS.It was inspiring to hear his wisdom and insight regarding global inclusiveness.  Not that the concept was foreign to me in 1990, but striking how polarized and dualistic we remained 135 years after the letter had been penned.Now, another 28 years has passed and the situation has grown worse in so many ways.  However, I got a promising glimpse of our oneness when watching the funeral service of former First Lady Barbara Pierce Bush on April 21, 2018. I mention her middle name because she is a cousin of President Franklin Pierce, who was the recipient of Chief Seattle’s letter.In attendance at the funeral were the current First Lady and four former Presidents as well as dignitaries from extremes of political and philosophical persuasion.  It occurred to me that perhaps neither time nor our humanity has separated us so much after all. Campbell used to talk about how important it is to have the experience of sacred spaces. Such a sacred space was evident in Houston at the celebration of Mrs. Bush.I could almost hear Joe Campbell reminding us that; “where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; and where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.”

Sacred Spaces and Welcoming Places

There are ways to create these sacred spaces which I believe will connect us to the God of our understanding and widen our scope of oneness with all of creation.  We might not be like Moses who heard his name being called and found a bush which was burning but not consumed by flames in a place that was made holy.  But we can answer God in the spirit of Moses by proclaiming as he did; “Here I am.”The personal experience of disciplined, practiced prayer and meditation is a means by which we can create a sacred space in higher consciousness for listening and connecting within.  It is a way of shutting off the binary, dualistic brain.  Richard Rohr, the Franciscan contemplative teacher says that “The lowest level of consciousness is entirely dualistic (win/lose)—me versus the world and basic survival. Many, I am afraid, never move beyond this. The higher levels of consciousness are more and more able to deal with contradictions, paradoxes, and all Mystery (win/win). This is spiritual maturity.At the higher levels, we can teach things like compassion, mercy, forgiveness, selflessness, even love of enemies. Any good contemplative practice quickly greases the wheels of the mind toward non-dual consciousness. This is exactly why saints can overlook offenses and love enemies!” We make ourselves fully present saying, “Here I am.”

The very Tribes to which we feel drawn to for belonging, comfort, and safety can be a means of re-connecting and of decreasing our dangerous climate of polarization. As members of the group, we have the authority to be leaders.  First and foremost, we can help each other to stop worrying about what other people think about us. We can begin to talk about the similarities of those whom we have opposed. We can collaborate with other teams at work.  We can explore the positive aspects of the culture we want to see more of.  We can begin to establish associations with individuals who are different. Expanding our tribes will not come through logical arguments or sound reasoning. It will come through a building of individual connections. It can happen just as it did for my little gang of boys so many years ago when we found out that two strange kids were ‘good at baseball’. We will always find that we are not really very different. And at long last...what a fine Tribe we might be.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers. His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Reverence of Kindness

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile." ~ Mother Teresa

We have the wonderful opportunity to bring a message of kindness, hope and joy where we might have inflicted damage and beaten others down in the past. We are all starved for such words and so richly blessed when we hear them. 

I wonder what it might be like, or what sort of kindnesses we might extend if we recognized God in the face of everyone we meet.  Can you imagine the awe we might have for one another?  The reality that each of us is created in the image of God should be enough to at least give us pause. 

The stranger, the wounded, and even the arrogant people would become our beloved relative.  This is not some dreamy illusion but is a spiritual truth.  The only thing lacking is our reverence.  It is reverence that identifies the sacred.  And the sacred surrounds each and every one of us.

“Kindness, I've discovered, is everything in life.” ~ Isaac Bashevis Singer

Our mission is to treat each other very well.  The final words attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi were ‘brothers, while there is still time, let us do good’.  This means that kindness and compassion should always be our lot. 

We can only do this sort of good when we are filled with reverence and awe for the very fact that the other is our relative, our dear, found relative.  Kindness, gratitude and gentleness will become second nature. 

Love will replace suspicion and guardedness will be exchanged for generosity.  We cannot afford to waste time arguing and grasping for personal power, control and relevance.  Now is the time to seek God in the present moment, in the hearts and eyes of our fellow travelers, and in the hands that long for our touch.

_______________________

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Self-Doubt Committee

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” ~ William Shakespeare

There is a committee that meets on a regular basis inside our brains that operates as if it has a powerful mandate with the final word on the disposition of our worth.  It has an agenda that allows them to tick off all of the failings, shortcomings, pitfalls, should-haves, and what-ifs.

The members argue and shout at each other about how impossible it is for us to move forward considering our total lack of ability and incompetence.  Do you recognize that committee and those voices?  We struggle with them every day.  All too often, we listen to them like some benign CEO who fears for his job, approving their negativity with a nod and a sigh.

They are right. We could never rise to the occasion.  It will be better to just plod along rather than risk another failing attempt.  The problem is that the committee does not have all of the information.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” ~ E. E. Cummings

Our friends in Alcoholics Anonymous call this grouping of internal self doubters "the itty bitty sh...y committee".  They find these meetings of negative thoughts actually have the power to lead them back into the horrors of addiction if given the opportunity.  What is needed is an internal CEO with vision and with a silencing gavel to pound on the desk.

Each of us has the power to develop and carry out a personal mission statement.  Self doubt will slip into the recesses of our minds when we are following these better angels.

We were created to serve a higher purpose than we can ever imagine.  There is no time for negativity, no time for committee meetings, no reason to doubt and no reason to second guess our destiny.

Today I will pound that gavel and move forward toward my dreams!

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Survivor Guilt: What Happens When We Are Left Behind

When tragedy strikes and we are untouched by its’ full force, the pangs of Survivor Guilt can plague us.  We are grateful on one hand, but filled with thoughts of “Why not me?” We ask ourselves what we might have done to prevent this from happening.  How could we have not seen this coming? There is a sense that we are responsible for remaining intact and living on. The self-condemnation can be crippling.

“The problem with surviving was that you ended up with the ghosts of everyone you’d ever left behind riding on your shoulders.” ~ Paolo Bacigalupi

How Can We Begin to Understand and Cope With Survivor Guilt?The awful weight of self-indictment is the main characteristic of Survivor Guilt.  People experience a seemingly endless loop of the gut-wrenching belief that they did something wrong or failed to do what they could have done.  It happens to war veterans, accident survivors, those who live through natural disasters, cancer survivors, police officers, and Holocaust survivors. It is also common among friends and family members who have suffered the loss of a loved one to suicide.I am no stranger to Survivor Guilt.  My sister died of neuroblastoma when she was four years and nine months old.  Mother was grief-stricken as one might imagine.  Her beautiful little child had been taken and she was left to cope with the terrible loss feared by almost every parent.  We should not have to survive our children.She slipped deeper and deeper into dark sadness and depression. Her continual demand was to know why God would take Mary Kathryn instead of her. She had begged to be the one to die in my sisters’ stead only to be forsaken. There was no comforting her.  Despite opening her own business and trying to carry on with family and friends, she could not.  Our family doctor told Dad that the only thing that might help would be for Mom to get pregnant again.She did, and I was the replacement kid. Sixteen months after my sisters’ death, I was born into a house replete with Survivor Guilt. I have learned that many kids who survive the death of their siblings also experience this phenomenon.  I will never forget an occasion while playing on the living room floor with my Aunt Lucille. She was a registered nurse and had spent many hours with my sister.  At one point she mistakenly called me Mary Kay.  I could hear my mother break down into sobs in the kitchen.  I wondered why I was alive when my sister was not.  A wave of shame swept over me. I wished we could trade places. I was only three years old.Symptoms, Indicators and Healing ToolsSurvivor Guilt has been linked with PTSD in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which recognizes the role of negative emotions such as guilt and shame.  The following are symptoms associated with those negative emotions;

• Avoidance
• Feeling on edge
• Hypervigilance
• Detachment
• Easily startled

Other associated indicators not included in DSM are;

• Feeling disoriented, confused and unworthy
• Obsessing over the tragedy
• Being ambivalent about living
• Overwhelmed by the sense that you’re never really safe

Measuring Survivor Guilt

A good instrument for measuring Survivor Guilt and PTSD is the Trauma and Loss Spectrum Self-Report instrument (TALS-SR).It explores the lifetime experience of a range of loss and traumatic events and lifetime symptoms, behaviors and personal characteristics that might represent manifestations or risk factors for the development of a stress response syndrome.This tool is of great value to those like Police Chaplains, who deal with survivors.  Police Week reported in www.officer.com that one of the most important things an LEO who is experiencing Survivor Guilt can do is to “share your story with someone you trust and who will actually hear you rather than judge you.” The Chaplain fulfills such a role for many officers. First responders witness some of the most unimaginable sights in unfiltered, graphic situations. Police officers, firefighters, and paramedics also need to be given action-oriented methods of healing to cope with all they experience.

Survivors Continue to Suffer

The Associated Press reported that Survivor Guilt and symptoms of PTSD continues to plague those New Yorkers who lived through the attack on The World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Dr. Nomi Levy-Carrick, mental health director of World Trade Center Environmental Health Center program reported that; "There was tremendous Survivor Guilt, so people who survived didn't feel worthy of wanting to seek care.The fact that they had survived, they felt, should have been enough." She said people who tried moving on despite the lingering psychological effects of 9/11 realized they weren't getting better. 9/11 is perhaps the national tragedy that most of us remember in vivid detail.  We were devastated on a personal and community level beyond anything since the bombing of Pearl Harbor.Think what it must be like for those who continue to suffer as if it happened yesterday. It never seems to leave. In a real sense, this is the essence of understanding Survivor Guilt PTSD.  When it brings the darkness once again, unannounced, that unspeakable yesterday suddenly becomes today…here and now.

Not Limited to Tragedies Surrounding Death.

We have learned that Survivor Guilt is not limited to tragedies surrounding death.  I have provided counseling services for both adult men and adolescent boys who were victims of sexual abuse. The effects of the abuse are lasting. They have complicated feelings and vivid memories that haunt them relentlessly.  One of the most heartbreaking revelations is that so many feel that they were somehow responsible for what happened.“I was cute and kind of a sexy kid,” said Shane “He (the abuser) probably couldn’t help it.  I could have stopped it.  If I would have, other boys wouldn’t have been hurt.  It’s all my fault.”  He begins to sob uncontrollably. Shane is reduced to the little boy in a dark bedroom under the blanket of violence in the monstrous act at the hand of a trusted adult. My response is to try and carry light into their darknesses.I have found that the most valuable thing we can bring to those who experience Survivor Guilt PTSD is the listening ear and open heart of one willing to accompany them without judgment and with unconditional acceptance and love.  When the victim is no longer alone in the memory healing can begin.

Our Veterans and the Burden of their Experiences

Veterans of war carry the burden of their experiences in silence like so many victims of sexual abuse.  Their service is often marred by the loss of comrades and buddies in bloody scenes that none of us can imagine.  They come home to families who have longed for their return only to feel estranged.  A different person seems to be living in the body of their loved one.  Repeated inquiries about what happened ‘over there’ are met with silence and denial.  I remember men, including my Dad, who were soldiers and sailors in WWII.[embed]https://youtu.be/0HUf68gFGEE?t=2m24s[/embed]They rarely, if ever, talked about their combat experiences.  There was a wall of unknowing behind which nobody could come.  One of my friends fought in Vietnam and was known to have witnessed something horrific over there.  It was not until thirty years later when we read his suicide note that we found he had held the body of his wounded best friend for hours.  Merciful death or help from medics was not coming so Billy did what he had to do and ended the suffering with his service revolver.The note said he could no longer bear the decades of pain.  Billy was alone for all of those years. I was never able to bring him a torch for the darkness.Some Truths and Some Hope for Survivor Guilt PTSDWe know of so many things can cause Survivor Guilt and how to cope or heal.  The one who lives on after a loved one takes their own life, the one who survives after a sibling dies and the one who stays alive in an otherwise fatal auto accident are among the many who might shoulder the weight of Survivors Guilt.  There are two facts which are universal when it comes to this;

• It always comes when something happens which brings an extreme state of feeling previously unexperienced
• It must be dealt with or will persist for a lifetime

Here is some good news that comes to us from the most unlikely of situations. A most remarkable thing is happening for survivors of the Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting. Social media, protest marches and the honoring of fallen friends seem to have empowered the young people who survived, helping them in ways that were not available to earlier such tragedies.  They tweet to huge audiences of thousands about their pain and about actions they are taking to prevent further violence.Their #NEVERAGAIN page on FaceBook has more than 165,000 followers. These kids bravely stand up to criticism by adults and persist in their efforts day after day. They are courageous. Though probably unaware, they are doing almost all of the things that are offered by experts on Survivor Guilt PTSD to heal from their tragic losses.We can learn a lot from these young people. They seem to be carrying light to each other (and to us) in the darkness.  Not in the form of a torch but in hundreds of thousands of little beams coming from their cell phone flashlights.Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.Contact Bob Jones on LinkedinBob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

The Miracle of Self-Sacrifice

Sacrifice is the miracle that makes great things possible.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self-sacrifice is a miracle in action. There are times when our world seems to be driven by greed and selfishness. One of the most powerful things to experience is a personal observation of one who freely gives for the sake of others.  This story is one we watch unfold during the Christian observance of Holy Week.Self-sacrifice is the act of deliberately following a course of action that has a high risk or certainty of suffering. We have witnessed such selfless action by our children as they cry out for an end to gun violence.  They have exposed themselves at great cost.  Pope Francis offered his support for their sacrifice in his Palm Sunday homily.

Such action always entails personal loss which could otherwise be avoided in order to achieve a benefit for others. It carries a powerful message saying; ‘There is something I want more than life itself. There is something more important.’We are sanctifying our actions when we make sacrifices. The drive to make a personal difference, whether by living a life of service or rising to the occasion when it becomes clear that someone must, is the essence of self-sacrifice. We trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom when we surrender to despair. Life isn't filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope. This hope can change the world.

Today I will embrace self-sacrifice to make a difference!

The Sustaining Gift of Encouragement

“Follow your dreams. Be yourself, an angel of kindness, There's nothing that you cannot do. I believe, I believe, I believe in you.” ~ Il Divo

Encouragement is the gift that keeps giving. One of the most powerful things we can possibly hear is the phrase ‘I believe in you’.  It comes to us when we need it the most and rescues us from the bog of self-doubt.Just when we think that everyone has lost faith, that we are hopelessly lost and doomed to lose, an angel appears with the words to sustain us saying ‘I believe in you’.  When we hear them we receive hope, our energy is renewed and we begin to believe in ourselves again.  The confidence of our resolve is restored so that we can battle the difficulties before us.

There are people who do believe in us.  When times get tough it is critical that we remember the encouragement that they have given in the past.  Someone has looked us in the eye saying ‘you can do it’ and then we have.We found the energy to overcome, persist and endure.  We have summoned the buoyancy of resilience and finished the race.  When we have doubts in ourselves or find ourselves being filled with self-criticism, it is important to replay the tapes of those who have fortified us.  It is just as important to spread the words to those who are struggling along with us.How often we have the opportunity to tell someone that we believe in them and let it slip away.  When we encourage each other, believe in them and affirm their journey, we shine a light for everyone to follow.

Today I will seek the counsel of those who believe in me and will encourage someone else with my believe in them.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

A Mission From God

“One of the most important spiritual disciplines is to develop the knowledge that the years of our lives are years on a mission.” ~ Henri J. M. NouwenA favorite movie of mine is ‘The Blues Brothers’ (1980) with Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi (written by Aykroyd and John Landis). There is great music, plenty of action and lots of laughs. One of the exchanges between the brothers, Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues, result in the adventure of their lives.  They unwittingly find a purpose and seek redemption by saving a Chicago orphanage from foreclosure.  The guys are challenged by the police and Neo-Nazi thugs along the road but ultimately overcome all obstacles.  Their mission cannot be foiled.This is the famous exchange that sets them on the path;Joliet Jake:  Me and the Lord, we got an understanding.Elwood:  We’re on a mission from God.Elwood: It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.Joliet Jake: Hit it.Jake and Elwood become radically available.  In order to accomplish their mission, they must set aside rules, fight the good fight, connect with community, make amends and redefine who they are.  Redemption is not an easy process.  When we engage in something greater than ourselves, there are sacrifices that must be made.  Then there will be nothing that can stand between our dream and its realization.  We make ourselves completely available without compromise.  We join with others, keep our eye on the prize and get it done.  We ‘Go for Life’ in a very big way.  No more half measures.  No more putting it off until later.  The time is now.  We are on a mission from God.

Life Is A Banquet

“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

The warm showers and new life offered up to us from Mother Earth, provided by a loving God, are reason enough to celebrate.  We take ourselves way, way, way too seriously.  There is joy and humor to be found all around us, yet so often we trudge along with heavy hearts, one-track minds and narrowed tunnel vision.  We are so darned self-absorbed and preoccupied that we miss the whole thing.  Political correctness stifles the laugh that stirs in our bellies.  We fret excessively about offending…or being inappropriate. 

Springtime reminds us to begin anew, to put aside our old worn out worry, hurry and hate that we drag around from the winter chill.  There is plenty enough time to pick it back up if we so desire.  Now is the time for merriment.

The thought of former Chicago Cubs third baseman, Ron Santo pops into my head when I think about finding joy in every moment.  Here was a guy with every reason in the world to be a martyr and carry resentment.  He had juvenile diabetes and it was the serious kind.  There was never a doubt that the progression of the disease would take him out one day.  Despite the gloomy prognosis, he played the game of baseball with a flourish.  He was known for jumping up in the air and clicking his heels at Wrigley displaying his great exuberance for life.

"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death. Live! Live! Live!" ~ Auntie Mame (1958) with Rosalind Russell

He found delight and humor in the Curse of The Cubs when a black cat circled him on third base one day in 1969.  He was funny, charming and delightful as the WGN announcer despite losing both of his legs later in life.  Ronny taught us that we all have trouble and afflictions...but that we should never let them get us down.  Nobody ever deserved being in the Baseball Hall of Fame more than Ron Santo.

We have more than enough reason to have LOTS of fun despite our hard times.  Let go and have a good belly laugh today!  Life is too short to be glum.

____________________

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.

In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.

His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast

Expressing Thanks and Gratitude

“Grateful eyes look at each thing as if they had never seen it before and caress it as if they would never see it again.” ~ Brother David Steindl-Rast

There are so many people that come in and out of our lives that it is hard to keep up with them.  Our busy daily rounds keep us hopping between work, family, friends, duties and other responsibilities.  It is important to set aside a little time to say a heartfelt thank you to the ones who have had an impact on the way that we live, think and believe.  Time can rob us of the opportunity if we are not careful and thoughtful about this effort.Among the people who shaped me was an English teacher in my junior year of high school.  He was delightful.  Somehow, Errett Worcester Green was able to make it fun to memorize verse.  Perhaps it was his hilarious presentations of the material, his love of the language, dedication to teenagers or some special magic that he brought to us every day.  Whatever it was, I learned to love poetry, Dickens, Shakespeare and school.

Mr. Green, a native of Illinois, was already 65 when I was his student, but age didn't create a generation gap between us.  One of the most popular teachers at Pine Crest School in Fort Lauderdale, "Pop" Green drew otherwise sophisticated 17 year old juniors to him like a Pied Piper.We watched as he performed scenes in Hamlet, using different voices for each character.  Many of us actually fell out of our chairs when he sang 'Froggy Went A-Courtin' while acting out the parts of Froggy, Miss Mousey and Uncle Rat.  I discovered for the first time that learning could be exciting.  As I have grown older, his lessons continue to enhance my ability to remember meaningful lines and share them with clients.  My counseling sessions all have a little sparkle of  Mr. Green in them as I find new ways to connect and relate.

"We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives." ~ John F Kennedy

My family has heard me tell stories about E. W. Green over and over.  We were in South Florida visiting my mother in 1978.  I had just proudly competed a recitation of the introduction to Beowolf in Middle English which Pop had us memorize, when my wife urged me to make an effort to tell Mr. Green how much he had meant to me.

So, I picked up the phone with the intention of doing just that.  His wife answered the phone.  Helen W. Green taught my senior English class.  Having her as an instructor was almost as wonderful as having Pop.  She completed the love-of-English lessons he started by infusing even more joy but with a bit less hilarity.  It was so good to hear her voice.  Mrs. Green remembered me after almost ten years and proved it by asking some personal questions and reminiscing about 'her children' at Pine Crest.  I told her that I wanted to talk to Mr. Green and let him know how much he meant to me.  She was gracious and kind as usual but gently informed me that “Pop” had died the day before.  I was devastated.

The final lesson that Mr. and Mrs. Green gave to me was an invaluable one.  Never put off expressing your appreciation and love for those teachers, mentors, family members or friends who have provided important guidance for our journey.  I made one of those connections today when I called Mr. and Mrs. Green's 85 year old son to let him know how his parents had influenced my life.  He was so happy to hear my story. The pleasure was all mine.  Thanks again Pop and Helen!Banner image: Errett W. Green and Helen W. Green

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse.In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers.His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration and meditation.

Contact Bob Jones on Linkedin

Bob Jones’ blog An Elephant for Breakfast