May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Even as quarantines, physical distancing, and other measures have been put in place and practiced to protect us, they have also created a dangerous uptick in loneliness. Domestic violence, situational depression, substance abuse, and suicide have risen to cause a side-by-side epidemic.

Extreme loneliness was already referred to as “The Loneliness Contagion” two years ago when I first penned a resource for ChaplainUSA.org. The recent coronavirus measures have only intensified an already critical situation. John Cacioppo, PhD from the University of Chicago believes it is spreading from person to person like a disease. Though experienced inordinately among millennials, it is increasing across the generations.

Where Is This Loneliness Coming From?

Dr. Shannon Monnat says that we live in an era of individualism, disinvestment in social safety nets, declines in social cohesion, and increased loneliness. Isolation due to lots of time spent on social media sites while glued to cellphones is one of the reasons for decreasing real life interactions and what is being called the Fear of Missing Out. Though there are multiple chatting contacts, swapping of photos and other kinds of interaction, people are feeling lonelier than ever. This is strikingly similar to the social isolation commonly known as an experience affecting the elderly due to decreased mobility and loss of friends and partners. Despite the fact that younger people have massive quantities of friends online, this increasing loneliness stems from a decreasing quality of relationships. In other words, a person may have a lot of friends but still find that their needs for social contact are not met.

We have a fundamental need to belong. This is what gives life meaning. In order to feel a sense of belonging there must be the presence of authentic as opposed to virtual relationships. They must be based on mutual caring responses in which we feel loved and valued. It is also necessary to have frequent interactions with other people. Loneliness diminishes or disappears when we feel like we matter.

The Extreme State; Loneliness and Repetitious Behavior

I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.and it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill. I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self, and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help and patience, and a certain difficult repentance, long difficult repentance, a realization of life’s mistake, and the freeing oneself from the endless repetition of the mistake which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify. ~ D.H. Lawrence

Dr. Corinne Gerwe has done extensive research on what she calls the Extreme State. Her research shows that loneliness can be a predominant feeling which is responsible for igniting addiction and chronic relapse. Her book, The Orchestration of Joy and Suffering: Understanding Chronic Addiction (Algora Publishing 2001), explores the relationship between childhood experiences resulting in extreme feelings and subsequent behaviors that relieve or diminish the intensity of the feelings. She demonstrates that the behavior patterns, including addiction can persist throughout a lifetime. Dr. Gerwe found that when loneliness is experienced in the extreme (or for long durations) that the brain begins to search for relief found in behaviors. Neuronal pathways provide quick solutions to resolve or lessen the intensity of the feeling. Even behaviors which have proven to be destructive such as drug and alcohol abuse are repeated and repeated. It is a cycle that feeds on itself. For example, one set of behaviors that results from loneliness is isolating oneself. It would seem counterintuitive yet is one of the most common responses. As a person withdraws from the world, isolates and avoids, they become even lonelier and more likely to use substances for relief. Is it any wonder that powerful opioids, which practically eliminate physical/emotional pain and suffering are being used to combat chronic loneliness?

Health Issues Result from Loneliness

Loneliness is killing us. It has been reported by Richard Lang, MD of Cleveland Clinic that loneliness affects 60 million Americans and that chronic loneliness poses a serious health risk. New research suggests that loneliness and social isolation are as much a threat to health as obesity and smoking cigarettes. It can impair cognitive performance. Loneliness is one of the feelings most associated with suicide. Socializing and interacting with other people is a basic human need. If social needs are not met, a person can start to feel lonely which leads to depression and possibly suicidal thoughts. Finally, studies show that loneliness increases the risk for early death by 45 percent and the chance of developing dementia in later life by 64 percent. There seems to be no doubt that loneliness is an epidemic, a contagion and one of the most serious health risks facing us today.

Relationships Overcome Loneliness“

I once counseled a young man who was suffering from intense loneliness. He had just started his freshman year at a local college and had changed from a happy, confident, outgoing high schooler to an isolated, self-conscious, anxiety ridden guy. All of his friends had gone away to other schools and he was the only one left behind. There were no more service clubs or sports teams in his life. His studies were going nowhere. Jeff was considering suicide. It was not that he was alone. He had a roommate, lived in a busy dorm, had joined an intramural football squad and was attending church on campus. He was a busy as he could be. But there were no real quality personal or community relationships. He might as well have been a hermit for the overwhelming loneliness he was experiencing. Jeff’s situation is not uncommon. Senior citizens who retire from their life’s work know well what he was going through. Folks who relocate to another part of the country for great work opportunities understand it. Suddenly, what I call a ‘peopled life’ becomes vacant. The answer cannot be found by busying oneself. For Jeff, and all the lonely people, the solution lies in connecting and creating personal relationships through belonging to meaningful community. A feeling of being understood and valued creates a closeness that is being craved in loneliness.This closeness doesn’t have to be something that happens randomly or by accident. For Jeff, we connected with a religious fraternal campus organization. He joined and was embraced by the members. He had a new family of friends. He also began attending AA meetings at a nearby community center. There he found other people who were struggling just like him. The members met for coffee and had frequent social events. His loneliness faded into oblivion. It was as simple as that.

As we rejoin and reopen, it is important to reconnect. Community is within our control to create. This contagion or epidemic of loneliness can be mitigated just like COVID-19. We have the power to help others find the way out of loneliness. That power is found in real relationships.