Comprehending Grief; Five Lessons for 'Passing Through'
Five Ways of Comprehending loss and grief based on the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
This month we are exploring loss and grief in a series of four journal articles and four follow-ups. This piece refers back to 'Grief and Loss Unbundled', digging a bit beneath the surface of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' work.
The experience of grief is universal yet often misunderstood. Comprehending significant losses seems to be almost impossible. Why do such horrible things happen? How could a loving God allow them? These are the questions I posed to Kübler-Ross in 1991. Our mutual friend and patient, Michael, was dying slowly with his body deteriorating from a form of MS complicated by HIV and alcohol dependence. It all seemed like such a tragic waste to me.
Michael had become a spiritual guide for many people who suffered from substance abuse disorders. They were lost and broken. And despite his own death sentence, or perhaps because of it, he was a touchstone of healing. Elisabeth's response to me was short and sweet. She told me that Michael was one of the "beautiful people" and that his defeat, struggle and suffering allowed him to shine through like a stained glass window filling others with compassion and understanding. She said that "the physical body is designed to die and we have a limited time on earth...we will all be allowed to graduate and no longer be prisoners of these bodies." Somehow, I had expected more from this iconic expert, but what she gave me began to resonate as time went by. We are all on the same life journey taking different paths to arrive at the very same destination. She would call regularly to check up on how Michael was doing. When he died in 1993, I called to let her know and to share his last words to me. Michael said; "You are loved. This is the only information you need BJ." Elisabeth listened and replied after a brief silence saying: "Yes! He gets it!"
Comprehending grief and loss may not be as complicated as it seems. Dr. Kübler-Ross certainly believed that to be the case. It is our rejection and denial of the certainty which holds us back from accepting and even embracing it. Bad things do not just happen to bad people. It is almost pointless to wonder why 'bad things seem to happen to good people'. At some point bad and good occupy a similar grey area. Things happen. God is not sitting on a throne with lightning bolt consequences to punish us for sins. God is with us to comfort us as we are battered by the windstorms and droughts of life. We each are empowered to choose the way we deal with them.
Five Ways of Comprehending loss and grief based on the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
- We are responsible for our lives and free to choose love over fear. Fear of death and other losses can consume us or imprison us. We must learn to live while we are alive.
- Release yourself from negativity and blame. Healing will come if you allow love and keep on loving.
- Guilt is the most powerful companion of death. It can only be relieved if we are fully present when our loved ones are alive. Sit with them, listen and just be there.
- Dying is an integral part of life and our true beauty has a chance to shine unless we fail to celebrate it at the end, Remember that what we have accumulated and achieved become a zero-sum. How well we are remembered and celebrated are the hallmarks of our lives.
- Finally, in Elisabeth’s own words; Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is no different from taking off a suit of clothes one no longer needs. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh and to be able to grow.
Saying Things are Fine When They are Not
It seems to me that we might have lost our ability to grieve and mourn. Most people spend a lot of time trying to get over tragic or difficult things that have happened.
Common counsel from friends and family who have tired of our grieving and sadness is to ‘get over it and move on’. There is a real problem with this notion. Getting over a significant loss connotes forgetting.
It means that we should go on with life as if nothing was wrong, shoving our anguish and broken hearts into the dark night, and burying it in denial. This inability to allow grief to process is a powerful force playing a major role in much of the depression and chemical dependence that surrounds us. It lies at the bottom of unresolved emotions and unfulfilled expectations that have been repressed in a desire to make people believe that everything is okay.
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare (on the death of his son)
It is impossible for wounds to heal by saying that things are fine when they are not. Sometimes we have to be allowed to wail. The harsh reality of pain, loss, and suffering must be experienced. Lincoln understood this as he gave his address at Gettysburg. Whitman grasped it as he wrote “O Captain! My Captain!”
Embracing sadness and loss, becoming acquainted with the night, and understanding that life will never be the same are the means for moving through grief toward acceptance. And the goal is acceptance.
Discover more about coping with grief.
One of the most powerful little resources is a book named Good Grief, A Companion for Every Loss by Granger E. Westberg. A cousin of mine sent it to me after my mother’s death in 1988.
I have relied on it ever since and passed it on to dozens of my clients and associates. It helped me understand that, in time, grief will soften. We will recognize that life goes on. Almost unbelievably we move through the sadness into a glimmer of light. Hope will return as surely as dawn gives way to a new day.
A Quick Guide to Rx for Grief and Depression