A Conversation Police Chaplains Need to Hear
Bill McCamley has spent much of his professional life in public service, including serving as a New Mexico state representative and secretary of labor.
His new book, Right My Dudes... Now What?, examines a difficult and increasingly urgent subject: what happens to men who lose their sense of belonging, purpose, or direction, and how they might find their way back.
McCamley explores the alienation of men who feel they have no comfortable place in today's world, and the consequences when that alienation develops into isolation, addiction, anger, or despair.
We interviewed Bill for the Police Chaplain Project because these are the very circumstances that can precede a man's decision to take his own life. And police chaplains need to understand them.
In particular, we encourage chaplains, peer-support officers, family members, and anyone who cares for men in law enforcement to listen to this conversation with an eye toward recognizing the changes in behavior that can signal serious trouble.
Warning Signs That Deserve Our Attention
A man in crisis may never say that he is depressed or contemplating suicide. More often, the first indications may be changes in how he behaves, how he talks about himself, or how he relates to the people around him.
Pay particular attention when a man:
- Begins withdrawing from people he once trusted. He stops returning calls, avoids colleagues, loses interest in friendships, or increasingly chooses to be alone.
- Expresses unusual shame or a sense of failure. He becomes preoccupied with a mistake, a damaged reputation, a failed marriage, or the belief that he has let everyone down.
- Seems to have lost his sense of purpose. Retirement, unemployment, disciplinary action, or a major personal setback leaves him feeling that he no longer knows who he is or where he belongs.
- Becomes increasingly angry, bitter, or reckless. His frustration grows disproportionate to the circumstances. He takes dangerous risks, lashes out, or begins behaving in ways that seem out of character.
- Turns increasingly to alcohol or other substances. Drinking or drug use becomes a more frequent way of dealing with stress, disappointment, or emotional pain.
- Talks about being trapped or becoming a burden. He begins saying things like "They'd be better off without me," "I've ruined everything," or "There's no way out."
- Shows sudden or dramatic changes in behavior. His sleep deteriorates, his moods swing sharply, or he unexpectedly begins giving away possessions, saying goodbye, or putting his affairs in order.
These are established warning signs and potential indicators of distress, although no single behavior proves that someone is suicidal. Sudden changes, combinations of warning signs, and expressions of hopelessness or suicidal intent deserve particular urgency.
For police chaplains, recognizing these patterns can be the beginning of an important conversation.
And it may be a conversation that the officer himself is unwilling—or unable—to initiate.
The Danger of Being the Man Who Always Has the Answers
Police officers become skilled at compartmentalizing their lives.
They respond to terrible accidents, violent confrontations, domestic tragedies, and human suffering, sometimes several times during a single shift. Then they put the uniform away and go home.
They may have learned to manage the immediate demands of the job without giving themselves much opportunity to process what they've experienced.
And when trouble begins in their own lives, they may reach for the same habits.
Keep working. Keep your mouth shut. Handle it yourself.
There is a difference, however, between maintaining your composure during an emergency and remaining emotionally isolated during a personal crisis.
An officer can be extraordinarily competent at the first and dangerously unprepared for the second.
Consider what happens when a respected officer faces divorce, disciplinary action, financial trouble, or an unexpected retirement. The immediate problem may be painful enough. But alongside it can come something even more unsettling: a loss of identity.
He has spent years being the person who takes charge. Now he is losing control of something important in his own life.
He has spent years being dependable. Now he believes he has disappointed the people who depend on him.
He has spent years earning respect. Now he is terrified of losing it.
For some men, shame becomes an obstacle to seeking the very help that might save them.
When Several Things Go Wrong at Once
Suicide rarely has a single cause.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention identifies relationship problems, financial and employment difficulties, legal troubles, substance misuse, hopelessness, and social isolation among the circumstances associated with increased suicide risk.
And sometimes these problems arrive together.
A man facing divorce may also be struggling financially. An officer under investigation may begin drinking heavily. A retired officer who has lost his sense of purpose may find himself increasingly disconnected from former colleagues.
Each problem compounds the others.
And when a man begins to believe that his circumstances are permanent, that he has no meaningful future, or that the people he loves would be better off without him, the danger can become acute.
Police chaplains need to understand the importance of these overlapping circumstances.
A conversation about a marriage falling apart may also be a conversation about shame.
A conversation about retirement may actually be about identity.
A conversation about financial problems may conceal a much deeper sense of hopelessness.
Sometimes the most important part of listening is recognizing what a man is struggling to say.
The Deaths We Cannot Afford to Overlook
We are accustomed to honoring officers who lose their lives in the line of duty. Their names are read aloud. Their sacrifices are remembered. Their families become part of the larger law enforcement community's responsibility.
But there is another loss that deserves our attention.
Police officer suicide has claimed lives in numbers comparable to annual line-of-duty fatalities in recent years, although the reporting systems differ and suicide deaths are not always comprehensively recorded.
Behind those numbers are officers whose struggles may have involved circumstances familiar to chaplains everywhere: personal loss, depression, damaged relationships, accumulated stress, or the devastating belief that they had become a burden to those they loved.
We devote enormous resources to teaching officers how to survive encounters with dangerous people.
We must give comparable attention to helping them survive the most dangerous periods of their own lives.
What a Police Chaplain Can Do
Police chaplains occupy an unusual place in an officer's life.
They may know the officer's family. They may have attended the funerals of his colleagues. They may have sat beside him after a terrible call or visited him in the hospital. They may know things about his personal life that his supervisor does not.
That familiarity creates an opportunity.
An officer who would never voluntarily make an appointment with a therapist may be willing to have coffee with a chaplain. A conversation that begins with work or family may eventually reach the subject that has been keeping him awake at night.
But chaplains cannot assume that a man will ask for help simply because he needs it.
Sometimes the chaplain must ask the second question.
When an officer says he's having a rough time, ask what that means.
When he says things at home are bad, ask how bad.
When he says he's tired of everything, take the time to understand what he means.
And when there is reason to suspect suicide risk, ask directly whether he is thinking about taking his life. Research has established that asking this question does not increase suicidal thinking. It can open a conversation that might otherwise never happen.
Chaplains should also know their limits. An officer in a suicidal crisis needs an appropriate safety response, including professional assessment, assistance with reducing access to lethal means, and continued support. The chaplain can be essential to that process without attempting to manage the crisis alone.
Above all, follow through.
The conversation that begins in a parking lot or over a cup of coffee may need to continue for weeks or months.
Giving Men Permission to Be Human
One of the most valuable aspects of McCamley's work is his willingness to confront the contradictions surrounding modern masculinity.
Men are often encouraged to be strong, self-sufficient, protective, and dependable. Yet many have received remarkably little guidance about what to do when they are frightened, ashamed, grieving, or overwhelmed.
The challenge is especially pronounced in professions where courage and emotional control are part of the occupational identity.
But strength and vulnerability can coexist.
A man can be courageous and still be afraid.
He can be dependable and still need someone to depend upon.
He can be an excellent police officer while experiencing depression, marital difficulties, or a profound sense of failure.
And he can make a terrible mistake without allowing that mistake to define the remainder of his life.
Police chaplains have an opportunity to help officers recover a sense of perspective when shame or despair has narrowed their view of the future.
The officer needs to know that his life extends beyond the uniform, beyond his mistakes, and beyond whatever painful circumstances brought him to this moment.
An Interview Worth Sharing
Bill McCamley's book raises questions that extend far beyond the modern debate about masculinity.
What happens when a man loses the things that once gave him purpose?
What happens when his closest relationships deteriorate?
What happens when shame becomes more powerful than his willingness to ask for help?
And who will be there when he finally admits that he cannot solve everything by himself?
These questions belong in every serious discussion about officer wellness and suicide prevention.
They also belong in our conversations with fathers, husbands, brothers, sons, coworkers, and friends.
We encourage police chaplains, peer-support officers, department leaders, and the officers themselves to spend some time with our interview with Bill McCamley.
You may recognize someone you know.
You may recognize something about yourself.
And perhaps you'll think of a conversation you've been meaning to have with someone who has seemed a little more withdrawn, a little more discouraged, or a little less like himself lately.
Have that conversation. And if there are signs of immediate danger, help him get the professional support he needs.
You may never know how much it meant to him.
Watch the Police Chaplain Project interview with Bill McCamley.
Bill is the author of Right My Dudes... Now What?
If you or someone you know is in crisis: Call or text 988 for immediate, confidential support. In a life-threatening emergency, call 911.