Saying Things are Fine When They are Not

It seems to me that we might have lost our ability to grieve and mourn.  Most people spend a lot of time trying to get over tragic or difficult things that have happened. 

Common counsel from friends and family who have tired of our grieving and sadness is to ‘get over it and move on’.  There is a real problem with this notion.  Getting over a significant loss connotes forgetting. 

It means that we should go on with life as if nothing was wrong, shoving our anguish and broken hearts into the dark night, and burying it in denial. This inability to allow grief to process is a powerful force playing a major role in much of the depression and chemical dependence that surrounds us. It lies at the bottom of unresolved emotions and unfulfilled expectations that have been repressed in a desire to make people believe that everything is okay.

“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare (on the death of his son)

It is impossible for wounds to heal by saying that things are fine when they are not.  Sometimes we have to be allowed to wail. The harsh reality of pain, loss, and suffering must be experienced. Lincoln understood this as he gave his address at Gettysburg. Whitman grasped it as he wrote “O Captain! My Captain!” 

Embracing sadness and loss, becoming acquainted with the night, and understanding that life will never be the same are the means for moving through grief toward acceptance.  And the goal is acceptance.

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Discover more about coping with grief.

One of the most powerful little resources is a book named Good Grief, A Companion for Every Loss by Granger E. Westberg.  A cousin of mine sent it to me after my mother’s death in 1988.  

I have relied on it ever since and passed it on to dozens of my clients and associates.  It helped me understand that, in time, grief will soften.  We will recognize that life goes on. Almost unbelievably we move through the sadness into a glimmer of light.  Hope will return as surely as dawn gives way to a new day.

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A Quick Guide to Rx for Grief and Depression

Both have similar symptoms. With new changes in psychiatric diagnosis definitions, the two will increasingly overlap.

Suicide Prevention (1-800-273-8255): A Way to Prevent, Understand and React to Suicide Death

by Robert Kenneth Jones

This is the truth. We are experiencing a dramatic rise in suicide in The United States.

While other causes of death are on the decline, suicide is climbing…and it's doing so for every age group under 75. Suicide is the second-highest cause of death for 15 to 34 year-olds with the phenomenon of ‘suicide contagion’ or copycat suicide ever-increasing among teens.  The suicide rate in the United States has grown by 24 percent over the last 15 years. Don’t you wish this was fake news?  But it’s not.Music and Youth Culture Raise Suicide AwarenessLogic, the American rapper, singer, songwriter, and record producer has released a track on his most recent and third studio album called Everybody with the title, “1-800-273-8255” featuring Alessia Cara and Khalid in an effort to increase awareness and put a personal face on suicide.  The song offers up the 800 number to guide people, especially his young audience, to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The hit song turned out to have an incredible impact in 2017. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) says they received a 50 percent surge in calls last year after the April release of his new track.  Logic performed the record at the 2018 Grammys.  The NSPL revealed that in the two hours following Logic's performance of the track counselors received three times the number of calls they usually receive in that time period.It Feels Like It's My FaultI am no stranger to suicide.  My work as a human services provider has all too often brought me to the broken hearts of those who are contemplating suicide as well as those that have loved a person who ended their own life. It’s hard to find anyone who is untouched by this.  My own family has suffered through several. Each one has left us in a state of confusion and self-blame. I can never forget the awful notifications.  I can never forget having to then break the news to loved ones. The memories are so vivid.  I can never forget.Along with the fact that suicide is devastating and painful, it is also highly stigmatized. Its illusion of shame elicits a code of silence creating an even deeper misery.  By ending this code of silence and destigmatizing suicide (and other mental health issues) the desolation they cause will be diminished. John Nieuwenburg is an award-winning business coach who addresses the way that we might move beyond silence and shame. His TEDx Talk is a must-see for those who suffer, family members, friends, human service providers, and Chaplains.New Trends in Suicide Prevention: Brain Science and ACESPrevention is possible.  It is important to understand the risk and to know the facts. We are beginning to better understand the suicidal brain through new scanning techniques.  Studying differences in the brains of suicide attempters and depressed individuals who never attempt suicide may help in developing better treatments. The incredible work being done with adverse childhood experiences (ACES) is leading us to believe that cumulative trauma in children increases suicide ideation in adults.  A whole new treatment protocol is being established in communities like Memphis where schools, parents, hospitals, physicians, and other human service providers are being trained to recognize, screen for, and deal with trauma with its long term consequences. We have learned that 50 percent of lifetime mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, personality disorders, suicide ideation, and PTSD begin by age 14. Do you want to be the one to help?  Here is a useful hashtag tool that might lead you in the right direction. #BeThe1ToThe Startling Truth of Blue SuicideThere is an alarming increase in police officer suicide that escapes national attention.  ‘Blue Lives Matter’ is more than a slogan. These men and women who bravely serve and protect us face trauma or the threat of trauma every day they go to work.  Like veterans of war, they are likely to think about suicide and act on those thoughts much more frequently than the average adult.  Dr. David J. Fair, President, and C.E.O. Homeland Crisis Institute Crisis Intervention, Training, Consulting, and Response wrote recently that; “Police officers must deal with  Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) daily. With officers being killed on almost a daily basis PTSD is raging. Not just for the officers where the shooting happened but on a national basis with something called Secondary PTSD. You can't work in law enforcement and not be affected by a police officer being injured or killed.”  The Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention has created a study guide for Chaplains and other counselors.  We are told that more law enforcement officers in The United States die by their own hand than are killed by felons. We must help break the silence and elevate suicide prevention efforts for the sake of our dedicated public servants, their families, and communities.Creating Suicide Programs and Ending the SilenceThere is so much more to be said.  Worldwide, 350 million people (that’s 5 percent of the population) struggling with depression every day. They are suffering and sometimes dying in silence because we can’t seem to talk openly about it. We must push the conversation forward. Middle and high school health classes would be a perfect place to begin the dialogue. But precious few programs exist. Instead, remain silent or we continue to put most of our efforts into postvention.Let’s get out of our cycle of denial by admitting openly that these issues are real and lethal.  Perhaps then, a Power Greater Than Ourselves can restore us to sanity.