Planting Happiness Where You Are

It’s been my experience that most of us spend a great deal of time, energy, and resources looking for ways to be or to get happy.

What must be realized is that happiness, first and foremost, is an inside job. The joys and miracles visited on the outside can never be fully appreciated until we are at peace with ourselves right where we are. This requires some gardening. The grief, pain, rejection, and sadnesses of the past are buried deep. They require attention to detail, hand cultivation, and tilling. Otherwise, each will keep coming back as a weed among the wheat with power to multiply like horsetail or thistle causing resentment or bitterness. Once eradicated, our seedbed is ready for planting and new life.

When I worked as the clinical director at a residential treatment center in Brevard, North Carolina, we designed our logo symbol as an acorn containing a mature oak tree inside. Our message was that each and every one of us contains all the necessary ingredients for a full life. Once planted in rich soil, only germination is required.

Martin Luther, who started the Protestant Reformation, was a Catholic Monk with just such a gardening mission. He wrote; "Even if I knew the world would end tomorrow, I would plant an apple tree today.” This is the promise not only of new growth, but of fulfillment, love, and happiness.

“The wind, one brilliant day,
called to my soul with an odor of jasmine.
”In return for the odor of my jasmine,
I’d like all the odor of your roses.”
”I have no roses;
all the flowers in my garden are dead.”
”Well then, I’ll take the withered petals
and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain.”
the wind left. And I wept. And I said to myself:
”What have you done
with the garden that was entrusted to you?”

by Antonio Machado
Translated by Robert Bly”

There are plenty of external struggles and bright shiny objects that divert us from the work that must be done. We live in times where the next best things, bigger, better, and more prestigious are promoted as keys to contentment. Power, control and greed fight to choke out the seeds we plant. They tell us that only by working harder and longer can happiness be obtained. In reality, their harvest is mostly despair and emptiness.

Interior gardening surrenders to a power greater than ego. It finds a way to YES. Suddenly we will realize that the world and all of life is a miracle growing out of God's love. We will be able to contribute, live and breathe without wanting anything in return. The jobs we perform, family, friends, and community we celebrate will all truly bear the fruits of God’s Spirit. We won't always get to witness the outcome or bounty of our gardening and planting, but harvests will continue for generations.

This will be our legacy.

Radical Availability; Testifying to Love

It's not so easy to be available. There are people in our lives in distress, hurt and broken. We lend a hand only to find that they need more.

At some point, as we feel emotionally drained, the notion of boundaries and personal space creeps into our minds telling us to draw back a little or pull away entirely. Maybe being partially available, or being available based on our time constraints is enough. Any amount of being present is better than the vacuum of not being there at all. Our healing touch, words of encouragement. and listening ear, no matter the amount, will certainly bring love and healing to a breaking heart. Under certain circumstances, when the neediness is too extreme, perhaps practicing a little tough love is the answer. After all, there is such a thing as enabling. This is the dilemma. How much is too much or too little?

My more than four decades of providing help for folks who suffer with addictions and boys who have been abused confirms to me that recovery and healing is unique to the individual. Where one patient may require intensive interventions and lots of my time, some only need a little guidance, with a multitude of others somewhere in-between. Treatment should be person centered and individualized with goals leading to a discovery that life can be meaningful and joyful. I also found that traditional practices of tough love with a focus of disengaging by my participant families were rarely helpful.

On the other hand, when parents, spouses, friends, and teachers became completely engaged, the outcomes almost always exceeded expectations. I call this 'Radical Availability' and, though it flies in the face of many treatment constructs, it works. Radical Availability is similar to what goes on at an ICU. The suffering person becomes our unfettered, kind, gentle, and loving focus. This is not to say that everyone gets well. Addictions and trauma are relentless and still fatal for some. Nobody is to blame when things go terribly wrong. But if we have been radically available, there is no regret left behind that more could have been done.

Even though it can be consuming, Radical Availability is no more exhausting than tough love or detachment. It is a spiritual intervention unlike any other. I have written that;

We have the ability to be radically available because God is radically available.  There is no reason to be afraid.  Regardless of how dark it gets and no matter how difficult the situation, God is with us.  God's arms are open and God’s heart breaks right along with ours. There is no time when we are left alone without resource.

In answer to the question of how much is too much or too little, I guess that maybe there is no perfect answer. Wynonna Judd gave one however in her I Will Testify to Love from the TV series “Touched by an Angel” which points us in the right direction when she sings "I will testify to love. I'll be a witness in the silences when the words are not enough." I believe in my heart of hearts that we are called to be radically available. Because in so doing we are affirming God's ever-present love...and there is never too much of that.

Saying Goodbye to Self Pity; It's All About Delight

God isn't interested in self-pity any more than in lamenting, complaining, blaming, or measuring.

For that matter, I think God looks with a jaundiced eye at redemptive (quid pro quo) punishment or penance especially when it comes to 'paying-the-price' for what we might have done to offend God's sensibilities.

God doesn't offend. God delights. We are the ones who plunge ourselves into the abyss of indulgent melancholy believing that we deserve suffering. In a very real sense, we are hiding from the unconditional love, grace, tenderness, and forgiveness extended by God's all-inclusive heart.

Saying goodbye to self-pity requires a change of mind about what we think we are lacking while actively seeking and developing an attitude of gratitude. This is what opens the door to delight.

Finding delight everywhere we look.

I often tell the story of a man I met at The University of Illinois in the summer of 1989. It had been a difficult day of counseling boys who suffered extreme childhood trauma. Their stories and problems were more overwhelming than usual, and I decided to take a walk around the park mall outside of our offices to clear my head. I felt so sorry for the kids...and for myself.

There was a modern art fountain structure with seating around it in the middle of what had once been a busy street. Suddenly, a voice shouted out these words; "I delight in it." Taken by surprise, I circled the fountain and found a ragged old fellow seated on the other side. He had a shopping cart holding his worldly possessions. I greeted him and asked him what he said. He repeated, "I delight in it."

My incredulous look must have been a dead give away, so he continued to explain. He said that several years ago he would sit on a bench and watch the traffic go back and forth. Later, they changed it to one way and now, closed to cars altogether, he watched people walking where cars once traveled. Then he repeated his claim. "I delight in it." Of course, there was no resisting him after that. I bought us both a hot dog and drinks. We ate and chatted away for a bit. Then he got up saying he had things to do, leaving me with an altered perspective. How could I indulge in self-pity and regret when my homeless friend could find delight everywhere he looked?

We cannot begin to imagine how absolutely delighted God is in every bit of creation. Each grain of sand, blade of grass. flowing stream, critter and indeed, every one of us, is precious, sacred and holy in God's sight. Nothing is superior or inferior. Love could never tolerate hierarchy. It can all be summed up when seen through the eyes of a tattered angel who announces, "I delight in it."

Photograph by Phillip LeConte

A Recipe for Living

“Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.” ~ John Quincy Adams (Sixth U.S. President)

Life is unpredictable. Just when things seem to be going our way the rug gets pulled out from underneath us.  Good times become hard times.  Health issues crop up. Money once plentiful gets tight.  People leave us or die. When times get tough it is important to remember that everything will change. The ingredients needed to face these situations are courage to straightforwardly deal with them as they happen and perseverance in our efforts to overcome.

The fact that change will always occur can be as comforting as it is disturbing.  Happiness, joy, celebration, friendship, and abundance are every bit as certain as their counterparts.  When we begin to understand that God is not punishing or judging us and the power of love will conquer anything...courage and perseverance are not so hard to muster.  Life happens and God is never distant.  Like the Prodigal, we can take stock of what is happening and accept the unconditional embrace which is always waiting for us.

All You Need is Love

“We’ve got the gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard, or just think it’s gonna get on with itself. You gotta keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it…and nurture it.” ~ John Lennon

Love is perfect.  Even in the cloudy reflection of broken relationships, love blesses us for having experienced it at all.  Our fragile and conditional human expressions of love can cause pangs of regret and worry, but even so, without it we would be lost.  Every time we allow ourselves to become vulnerable and open to the possibilities of love, we are drawing closer to God.  Every time we let go of resentment in favor of forgiveness, we are walking with God’s hand in ours.  Every time we stop to help a child, the Spirit of God is moving in our hearts.  Love is not only perfect it is the light that dispels the darknesses which would otherwise destroy us.

We are directed to “Love God, love our neighbor and love ourselves.”  This instruction, if truly followed, provides challenges that can keep us on track throughout our lives.  We will be continually transformed.  Everything else falls into place as we love first and foremost.  This is not easy work and requires that, as John Lennon says, we really look after it and nurture it.  We must allow ourselves to be loved as well as to give love.  Love counts us worthy even when we feel unworthy.  It identifies each of us as the beloved child of God.  When we accept this, we will be able to share it with others.  Then, the love we give will be the love we get.

Robert Kenneth Jones is an innovator in the treatment of addiction and childhood abuse. In a career spanning over four decades, his work helping people recover from childhood abuse and addiction has earned him the respect of his peers. His blog, An Elephant for Breakfast, testifies to the power of the human spirit to overcome the worst of life’s difficulties. We encourage you to visit and share this rich source of healing, inspiration, and meditation.

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